[But he's too weakened to really fight with Dabi physically. It helps that Dabi's even going the extra mile to be soothing by running his fingers through Shigaraki's hair. Which feels even greasier after the bath being cut so short.]
[Dabi counters, opening the cream up anyway. It's hard though, when Shigaraki says please. It's not a word used all that lightly between them and Dabi stops, letting out a long sigh.]
Why do you want me to stop? It'll feel better, it'll help them heal. [He frowns] I know you don't want them to feel better or heal, but that's not gonna help any of this. Stop punishing yourself. Just let me fucking take care of you. Please.
It stings. [Or in other words, it's the wrong kind of hurt. He bristles a little when Dabi uses the word please and tries his best to hold his ground. For a second, he looks like he might relent and let Dabi take care of him. Instead?
It doesn't sting, it's soothing cream. It takes away the sting.
[Shigaraki is frustrating as hell, but Dabi tries to be patient. He always is, even though he's frustrated. When Shigaraki asks him to lay there and kiss the wounds instead, he knows he's going to relent. He can read a lot about Shigaraki now, but Shigaraki also knows how to get to him too. ]
For now. But you have to stop scratching, alright? If you stop, I'll lay down with you and kiss them instead.
[He nods smally in Dabi's lap. They know how to push each other to get what they want. Sometimes what they want contradicts each other. Like now. Shigaraki wants Dabi to leave his wounds alone, Dabi wants to take care of them. There isn't a happy medium because if Shigaraki lets Dabi take care of them- there's still a small risk that he could get upset and reopen the wounds.]
I'm not asking you to promise me, Tomura. I'm just asking you to try.
[He caps the cream and sets it on his side of the mattress, then shifts until he's laid out next to Shigaraki, moving the blanket so it covers both of them. He moves a hand up Shigaraki's bare chest, stopping at his collarbone to rub his thumb gently against one of the older bruises that he left with his mouth.
He thinks of the quiet exchange of words in the bathtub and while it scares him too, he knows it doesn't make the truth of the words any less. The fact that they're so scared only makes it more real.]
When I was younger, I used to go back behind the house and catch frogs with my brother. The frogs would always start coming out at dusk and we would wait for them to start jumping around, watching from the window.
We'd gather a bucket of water and dig a hole, then moisten up the sand so we could build small houses that they could jump around in. We didn't have very many toys, but it was always fine, we didn't need them. We'd get creative when we could. Sometimes my sister would join us and she would always catch a lot more frogs than we would, but she let them go before we could even build anything. My brother would join in, setting the frogs free. That was their favorite part, I think. They were both younger than me.
[He's relapsed in his scratching but it is true that he had been trying harder to curb the behavior lately. It's definitely a small improvement since he's restricted his scratching to the privacy of his own bedroom. No longer does he break down in front of prospective recruits or vendors. He actually has a bit of professionalism going on about the way he manages day-to-day business. But his personal life is still trying to mature as fast as his professional life.
Shigaraki listens to Dabi's story. Between the distraction of the story and the gentle rubbing of his chest, it helps ground him from the prior anxiety attack. Reminds him where he is and gives him something distracting to think about.]
[He's not saying overall, he's not saying try harder. He's saying right now, in this moment, because that's all they really need to focus on. Everything else is on the side.
The story is meant as a distraction, but also as a show of trust, opening up a little bit more about himself. The other day got him thinking about his past again- something he knows he's been shoving into a dark corner. Along with all the bad memories, he's found pieces of good ones. He doesn't want to cling to them of course, so maybe talking about them can be a good release for both of them.]
Yeah, it was just something to do, I guess. Something we didn't really have to worry about.
[It's the way Dabi teases and pesters him constantly. Relentlessly. Shigaraki's definitely an only child with how spoiled and bratty he acts. It shows. Just like how it shows that Dabi is an older brother.]
[He swallows hard, looking down at Shigaraki's chest as his fingers start traveling up and down along the middle of it. An older brother. It's been so damn long since he's thought of himself as an older brother. Does he even technically count as one anymore? He's sure they barely remember him. Maybe in name only. It used to hurt more, but now that hurt has been replaced with so many other negative emotions that it all becomes a jumbled mess in his head.]
Anyway, they're long gone- but these memories have been coming back to me lately.
You tease too often and too readily. [Like he's had some sort of practice before becoming a villain. No one just naturally acts the way Dabi does without some exposure to using frequent teasing.] I don't have any memories like that.
[He's glad the distraction is working. Shigaraki seems to be coming back to himself a little more, instead of zoning out and staring off into space. If he has to open up about himself a little to do so, maybe it's worth it. ]
I always think I'm over it and then some shit happens. Something that reminds me, even though I've worked so damn hard to forget it.
[Shit like the other day, taking him right back to the very place he never wanted to be in again, with Shigaraki getting a full view of it all. ]
[He shifts a little, looking over at Dabi. Red eyes are no longer frantic or vacant, he's definitely come down from wherever distant world he sent himself off to. He quietly listens to what Dabi says, focusing on the sound of Dabi's voice.]
Sometimes it's more damaging to forget. [Not like Shigaraki has better coping techniques with his abandonment issues and all that.] Yeah? I'm pretty obvious about being an only child.
[ He looks at Shigaraki, reaching his fingers up to brush along his jaw. He stays quiet for a moment, then nods. ]
Yeah. You're right. Because then it all comes bubbling out later on and catches everyone off guard. It's bullshit, is what it is. Either way you're fucked.
[No, Shigaraki isn't much better. Having full on panic attacks at the mention of love. Of course, Dabi understands that as well. These issues are ingrained in them from a very young age. It's not easy to stamp that out over the course of a few months.
Even now, they can't be completely sure how this will turn out between the two of them.]
Yeah, you're a brat. You pout a lot when you don't get your way.
[Dabi leans in and places a soft kiss against Shigaraki's lips.]
[Or as Shigaraki calls it; refusing to talk about it. Unlike Dabi who would rather ignore his problems, Shigaraki would rather avoid them and walk in circles around them. Like he acknowledges it's there but he won't touch it with a ten foot pole if he can help it.]
I-I don't pout. [He's pouting now. Even with Dabi kissing him on the lips, his lip (or what's left of a lip?) juts out as he protests.]
[Raw edges. He can still feel them. Even more so because someone actually saw the breakdown he was trying to hard to keep away. If it had been anyone else, he doesn't know what he would have done. As it is, he already ran away for days, not wanting to face Shigaraki with it- wondering if the other man thought less of him now.]
Do you think I'm weak?
[He's been trying not to ask, but it's inevitable, he supposes.
He's definitely kissing that pout, nipping and tugging at it a little in the process.]
No. I don't think you're weak. [It's Shigaraki's turn to reach out. He doesn't have his gloves so his touch is especially gentle. Using only his middle and ring finger, he gently caresses Dabi's face.] Emotions don't make you weak. [And then, a whisper;] If I had thought you were weak, we wouldn't be here.
[He doesn't argue anymore regarding the pout. He'd try to deny it all he wants but if Dabi likes it... then it must be alright. For now.]
That wasn't just emotion. That was a full on... fuck, I don't know what it was. A breakdown.
[But when he looks Shigaraki in the eyes, he can see the truth if there. Nothing has changed since the other day. Shigaraki isn't looking at him with pity or disappointment. It's just hard to shake inside of himself.]
Maybe that's the thing I didn't want to face. Thinking I was weak- seeing it in your eyes. Having you see something no one else has ever seen, and knowing who I am.
You're not weak. [If breakdowns and emotions made people weak then Shigaraki was the weakest of them all. Sure a tantrum didn't necessarily equate to an emotional breakdown but the principal behind them being seen as weak were the same.] Whatever you want to call it? It was spurred on by emotions.
[He kisses the other softly.]
Don't let your past make you think you're weak. Ever.
I felt weak. Out of control. Unable to help myself.
[He wants to believe Shigaraki, though. This is a man he would've done anything to keep his weaknesses from, but it isn't that way anymore and Shigaraki doesn't see him as weak. He won't use this against him. Dabi knows his fears are unfounded.]
Emotions aren't exactly a strong point for us. Either of us.
[he kisses back, letting his lips linger. It's a good distraction.]
I'm not sure I'd be here if I didn't think my past made me weaker.
[He lets Dabi talk to him, kissing the scarred lips, and pulling softly at the skin. He wants to change the topic, it's steering dangerously close into the territory that usually makes him want to skate around the conversation. But he doesn't ignore Dabi or leave him hanging;]
Don't overthink it. [Shigaraki pulls his lips away and scoots a little closer to Dabi.] Kiss me instead.
[ Dabi thinks that's probably why it hits him harder at times and why he's been so adamant about keepng others away- because he doesn't think about it, doesn't talk about it, he just shoves it all away, only to let it burst out and overflow later on.
But it's not like he wants to talk about it either, so he'd rather listen to Shigaraki's advice and go with the more comfortable side of emotions. Although, based on Shigaraki's reaction to those emotions just earlier, they might not be too safe either.
Eventually they'll have to face it all. Eventually, but not now. Dabi turns to him a little more so it'll be easier to move his hand to his face and leans in to kiss him deeply right away. It doesn't take long for him to slide his fingers into light blue hair, wanting to get closer, but not wanting to push just how many times he can do that today. ]
[They're safe. Clearly they both admitted to their feelings of love. They both know how the other felt about it. However the emotions were compromised from years of abandonment, neglect, and finely tuned hatred. With time they'll be able to comfortably say things like love to each other. Neither one want to say it and then have the other stomp on such a fragile emotion. They're guarded and for good reasons. The kiss is one way they can let their guard down without fear.
He doesn't have his gloves on right now so Shigaraki curls his hands into fists and tucks them under his chin, pressing the fists hard against his throat. Shigaraki uses this position to get closer to Dabi. It's not as intimate as they've been in the past with Shigaraki's body basically kept to himself. But it gives Dabi the opportunity to lead, a chance to get comfortable with closeness.
Tired red eyes close as he focuses his energy and thoughts on the kiss.
They've done this enough times that Shigaraki can recall every detail about Dabi's lips. The little dips and the direction of scarred flesh. How far the first staples are from the middle of his lips, and where the staples on his chin bump into his own.
He presses more into the kiss, letting his anxiety melt away with one consuming thought.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[But he's too weakened to really fight with Dabi physically. It helps that Dabi's even going the extra mile to be soothing by running his fingers through Shigaraki's hair. Which feels even greasier after the bath being cut so short.]
Leave it alone, please?
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[Dabi counters, opening the cream up anyway. It's hard though, when Shigaraki says please. It's not a word used all that lightly between them and Dabi stops, letting out a long sigh.]
Why do you want me to stop? It'll feel better, it'll help them heal. [He frowns] I know you don't want them to feel better or heal, but that's not gonna help any of this. Stop punishing yourself. Just let me fucking take care of you. Please.
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He changes the topic.]
Can't you just lay down and kiss it instead?
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[Shigaraki is frustrating as hell, but Dabi tries to be patient. He always is, even though he's frustrated. When Shigaraki asks him to lay there and kiss the wounds instead, he knows he's going to relent. He can read a lot about Shigaraki now, but Shigaraki also knows how to get to him too. ]
For now. But you have to stop scratching, alright? If you stop, I'll lay down with you and kiss them instead.
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You know I can't promise that.
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[He caps the cream and sets it on his side of the mattress, then shifts until he's laid out next to Shigaraki, moving the blanket so it covers both of them. He moves a hand up Shigaraki's bare chest, stopping at his collarbone to rub his thumb gently against one of the older bruises that he left with his mouth.
He thinks of the quiet exchange of words in the bathtub and while it scares him too, he knows it doesn't make the truth of the words any less. The fact that they're so scared only makes it more real.]
When I was younger, I used to go back behind the house and catch frogs with my brother. The frogs would always start coming out at dusk and we would wait for them to start jumping around, watching from the window.
We'd gather a bucket of water and dig a hole, then moisten up the sand so we could build small houses that they could jump around in. We didn't have very many toys, but it was always fine, we didn't need them. We'd get creative when we could. Sometimes my sister would join us and she would always catch a lot more frogs than we would, but she let them go before we could even build anything. My brother would join in, setting the frogs free. That was their favorite part, I think. They were both younger than me.
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[He's relapsed in his scratching but it is true that he had been trying harder to curb the behavior lately. It's definitely a small improvement since he's restricted his scratching to the privacy of his own bedroom. No longer does he break down in front of prospective recruits or vendors. He actually has a bit of professionalism going on about the way he manages day-to-day business. But his personal life is still trying to mature as fast as his professional life.
Shigaraki listens to Dabi's story. Between the distraction of the story and the gentle rubbing of his chest, it helps ground him from the prior anxiety attack. Reminds him where he is and gives him something distracting to think about.]
Frogs?
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[He's not saying overall, he's not saying try harder. He's saying right now, in this moment, because that's all they really need to focus on. Everything else is on the side.
The story is meant as a distraction, but also as a show of trust, opening up a little bit more about himself. The other day got him thinking about his past again- something he knows he's been shoving into a dark corner. Along with all the bad memories, he's found pieces of good ones. He doesn't want to cling to them of course, so maybe talking about them can be a good release for both of them.]
Yeah, it was just something to do, I guess. Something we didn't really have to worry about.
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[It's the way Dabi teases and pesters him constantly. Relentlessly. Shigaraki's definitely an only child with how spoiled and bratty he acts. It shows. Just like how it shows that Dabi is an older brother.]
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[He swallows hard, looking down at Shigaraki's chest as his fingers start traveling up and down along the middle of it. An older brother. It's been so damn long since he's thought of himself as an older brother. Does he even technically count as one anymore? He's sure they barely remember him. Maybe in name only. It used to hurt more, but now that hurt has been replaced with so many other negative emotions that it all becomes a jumbled mess in his head.]
Anyway, they're long gone- but these memories have been coming back to me lately.
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[That's what his words say, but his lips are kissing Shigaraki's shoulder instead.]
I'm not sure I teased them all that much, though. There wasn't really any room for it. Maybe that's why I take it out on you instead.
[But... he's getting ahead of himself here. He doesn't want to get into the politics of his household.]
Nothing even remotely good?
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No. I was pretty lonely as a kid and had my own trauma to deal with. [His voice trails off as he says this. Sighing softly.] I'm over it now.
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[He's glad the distraction is working. Shigaraki seems to be coming back to himself a little more, instead of zoning out and staring off into space. If he has to open up about himself a little to do so, maybe it's worth it. ]
I always think I'm over it and then some shit happens. Something that reminds me, even though I've worked so damn hard to forget it.
[Shit like the other day, taking him right back to the very place he never wanted to be in again, with Shigaraki getting a full view of it all. ]
I can tell you were an only child, too.
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Sometimes it's more damaging to forget. [Not like Shigaraki has better coping techniques with his abandonment issues and all that.] Yeah? I'm pretty obvious about being an only child.
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Yeah. You're right. Because then it all comes bubbling out later on and catches everyone off guard. It's bullshit, is what it is. Either way you're fucked.
[No, Shigaraki isn't much better. Having full on panic attacks at the mention of love. Of course, Dabi understands that as well. These issues are ingrained in them from a very young age. It's not easy to stamp that out over the course of a few months.
Even now, they can't be completely sure how this will turn out between the two of them.]
Yeah, you're a brat. You pout a lot when you don't get your way.
[Dabi leans in and places a soft kiss against Shigaraki's lips.]
It's kind of endearing.
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[Or as Shigaraki calls it; refusing to talk about it. Unlike Dabi who would rather ignore his problems, Shigaraki would rather avoid them and walk in circles around them. Like he acknowledges it's there but he won't touch it with a ten foot pole if he can help it.]
I-I don't pout. [He's pouting now. Even with Dabi kissing him on the lips, his lip (or what's left of a lip?) juts out as he protests.]
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[Raw edges. He can still feel them. Even more so because someone actually saw the breakdown he was trying to hard to keep away. If it had been anyone else, he doesn't know what he would have done. As it is, he already ran away for days, not wanting to face Shigaraki with it- wondering if the other man thought less of him now.]
Do you think I'm weak?
[He's been trying not to ask, but it's inevitable, he supposes.
He's definitely kissing that pout, nipping and tugging at it a little in the process.]
I like your pout.
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[He doesn't argue anymore regarding the pout. He'd try to deny it all he wants but if Dabi likes it... then it must be alright. For now.]
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[But when he looks Shigaraki in the eyes, he can see the truth if there. Nothing has changed since the other day. Shigaraki isn't looking at him with pity or disappointment. It's just hard to shake inside of himself.]
Maybe that's the thing I didn't want to face. Thinking I was weak- seeing it in your eyes. Having you see something no one else has ever seen, and knowing who I am.
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[He kisses the other softly.]
Don't let your past make you think you're weak. Ever.
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[He wants to believe Shigaraki, though. This is a man he would've done anything to keep his weaknesses from, but it isn't that way anymore and Shigaraki doesn't see him as weak. He won't use this against him. Dabi knows his fears are unfounded.]
Emotions aren't exactly a strong point for us. Either of us.
[he kisses back, letting his lips linger. It's a good distraction.]
I'm not sure I'd be here if I didn't think my past made me weaker.
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Don't overthink it. [Shigaraki pulls his lips away and scoots a little closer to Dabi.] Kiss me instead.
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But it's not like he wants to talk about it either, so he'd rather listen to Shigaraki's advice and go with the more comfortable side of emotions. Although, based on Shigaraki's reaction to those emotions just earlier, they might not be too safe either.
Eventually they'll have to face it all. Eventually, but not now. Dabi turns to him a little more so it'll be easier to move his hand to his face and leans in to kiss him deeply right away. It doesn't take long for him to slide his fingers into light blue hair, wanting to get closer, but not wanting to push just how many times he can do that today. ]
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He doesn't have his gloves on right now so Shigaraki curls his hands into fists and tucks them under his chin, pressing the fists hard against his throat. Shigaraki uses this position to get closer to Dabi. It's not as intimate as they've been in the past with Shigaraki's body basically kept to himself. But it gives Dabi the opportunity to lead, a chance to get comfortable with closeness.
Tired red eyes close as he focuses his energy and thoughts on the kiss.
They've done this enough times that Shigaraki can recall every detail about Dabi's lips. The little dips and the direction of scarred flesh. How far the first staples are from the middle of his lips, and where the staples on his chin bump into his own.
He presses more into the kiss, letting his anxiety melt away with one consuming thought.
Dabi.]