creamation | (no subject)

[ dabi doesn't know how keigo would feel about those nicknames anymore, now that his wings are gone. for the first time since it happened, he starts to feel guilty about it. at the time he felt like keigo deserved it, and maybe he still does, but those wings were a part of keigo either way.

it's something he's sure he'll dwell on more later, even once keigo is gone. another intense feeling that'll overtake him, but maybe he deserves to feel that way.

for now though, he just wants to enjoy what he has in front of him, even if they only lay together under the covers. it's all dabi really needs and he's sure keigo needs it too. he doesn't take the other man's hand as he heads towards the bedroom, glancing over at keigo as they move through the house. there are little things here that keigo might recognize, like the mug, a painting on the wall that keigo used to have that dabi always liked. some of the furniture is the same, and the clothes strewn across the floor are keigo's.

for a moment he's embarrassed, not because of the mess, but because so much of keigo is still here in this house, even though he swore he hated his former lover. ]

I uh... I got used to your stuff, I guess.

[he tries to explain, once he knows keigo has seen it all. right down to the bedroom which looks almost identical, and the big, comfy bed.]

[maybe in due time keigo will ask for those nicknames. despite the loss of wings, he was still dabi’s bird.

he doesn’t want to think of his loss with the wings though. keigo has already come to terms that he deserved it. he had been more depressed over Dabi’s death anyway. and, it’s not like he would be able to bring them here, even if he still had them.

following behind his former lover, keigo comes to take in the small details of dabi’s home. there’s small things that are obvious hints, things that were in his penthouse. it’s significantly warming the former hero up, a light dusting coming to grace his cheeks as he gives a small smile.]

I like it. It feels homely.

[he wouldn’t mind teasing his old lover, but keigo desires getting on that bed more. he slips past dabi, giving a gentle tug to the other male’s shirt before continuing on to the bed. climbing on all fours, it feels so familiar to his own. it really was the same.

but it’s not perfect unless with dabi. so, over his shoulder, keigo motions for the other male to follow him.]

Join me.

[ maybe keigo really will always be dabi's bird. he doesn't want to lose this again. that kind of pain was too much.

he knows neither of them can really make up for what they took from each other, but maybe this will open up the chance for them to at least try. dabi wouldn't have thought he could do it before, but things might be different now. he wants to at least try.

it's funny how keigo seems to be the one blushing, but then once dabi thinks about it, he can feel the heat on his cheeks as well, when keigo says he likes it. it's far more visible now without his scars. he isn't really sure if keigo likes it or not, though. ]

Still hasn't felt all that much like home.

[because there was one thing missing. the stuff has helped a bit, because he could just pretend, but he could only pretend for so long.

dabi stops at the edge of the bed even once he's tugged, just watching keigo climb onto the bed. it hits him hard how many times he yearned for this very thing. to come home and flop onto the bed and just curl into keigo, forgetting about everything else... and now he's about to do just that. he feels his stupid emotions welling up again as he climbs into bed. he was going to keep some space between them, but he can't help but do what he's been dying to do all this time.

he lays on the bed once keigo does and curls into his middle, wrapping his arms around his waist. he buries his face into keigo's waist as well, and there's immediately wetness on his face. this is all he's wanted.]

[the heat that takes to dabi’s cheeks is cute. the former hero likes it. his big bad villain getting flustered is a pleasing sight. it’s far easier to see the dust of pink without the scars. those never did bother keigo in the past, but there’s something addicting about seeing dabi for who he truly should have been.

keigo wants to appreciate every little bit of dabi when given the chance. scars, no scars, the former villain was so damn beautiful.

he nods to dabi’s words. home for the former hero had shifted into this man with him. without having it, keigo has been so depressed. but now, now it’s back in his grasp. he was home.

keigo gets comfortable, hoping dabi joins him closely. he wants to take in the warmth, rub his fingers down dabi’s spine, nuzzle him affectionately. they deserved it. they’ve both been missing this for so long now.

and dabi comes to provide what keigo wants. he gets his former lover pressed against him, feeling dabi’s face against his waist. it gets a content sound from the bird, keigo adjusting to brush a hand through soft hair. oh. he’s deeply missed this. dabi was so warm and-

keigo blinks but gives a small, sad smile when he feels his shirt beginning to dampen. it gets the former hero to curl closer around dabi, wrapping his arms to the top of the spiky hair in a hug. keigo even lays a leg over dabi’s body, just to hold tighter to the other male.]

I’m here, Dabi. And I’m not going.

[keigo whispers, moving one hand down so he can rub soft circles along dabi’s back.]

I missed you so much.

[Keigo could always get Dabi to do things he wouldn't normally do, like blushing. he felt like such an idiot the first time, but he liked how it made Keigo smile. this time isn't much different.

there were times he used to wonder what he would have looked like as a grown up without his scars. He got them far too young. getting to see his face without them was such a strange thing. he wonders if Keigo likes it, or is weirded out by it. this is not how he's used to seeing Dabi, after all.

its such a small thing. he knows the biggest thing is getting to hold each other again, and they could have had this last time already, but they were too stubborn.

there's no time for that anymore, though and Dabi doesn't want it anyway.

he hugs Keigo tighter, feeling like a stupid, overwhelmed kid. he just can't seem to stop his emotions anymore.]

I missed ya too. I'd get in this bed and try to convince myself you were still at work, still in the kitchen, still on your way home.

[that deep intense ache is a memory now, because he finally gets to lay with the real thing. ]

And here ya though you'd be the needy bird.

[dabi deserved to smile more often. keigo liked the feature on his former lover’s face. it made everything all the better too. like nothing else mattered. just them.

it feels so good to be the one comforting dabi. he’s constantly felt like the needy one, the one always crying. the one who couldn’t put himself together. but then dabi is here, and it’s so real and human, and keigo desperately wished that everyone could realize that dabi was human too, not a sinister villain out to mass murder anyone and everyone. that there’s trauma here, and dabi was just as human as they were.

dabi has been hurting. keigo wants to make it all better. a part of him does appreciate that dabi trusts him enough to show such vulnerable emotions. it brings out a protective sense from the former hero.]

Oh Dabi...

[he smiles softly, leaning at hearing such words. holding even tighter, keigo comes to nuzzle the top of the spiky hair.]

I’m home.

[and he wasn’t ever going back out. not without dabi.

a small laugh does bubble up when his former lover refers to himself as the needy bird here. it seems suitable though. they were both needy for each other. keigo begins to comb a hand through dabi’s hair while basking in such loving warmth.]

Does this mean I can call you pretty bird?

[ maybe having keigo back will bring more smiles to dabi's face again. it almost feels unnatural now, but not so much when it comes to his former lover. he was the only one who could ever pull a real smile from him, that wasn't sarcastic or sinister.

the fact that keigo is here now, telling him that he's home, that he's here and won't go anywhere... it's something dabi has been longing to hear. even through his anger and all the pain, this is what he had wished for. he was so stubborn about it before, but he doesn't want to be anymore. he just wants to keep holding keigo like this all the time. ]

You're home.

[dabi repeats quietly, his face pressed back into keigo's side as the other man hugs his head. this feels like home now. that heavy, disgusting weight that's been wrapped around his heart seems to unravel a bit and he can breathe. he doesn't want to die.]

You're the prettiest one here. Think that name still belongs to ya too. You'll always be my pretty bird.

[keigo happily hums towards dabi’s response. home. he’s home. living for eternity like this sounds incredibly perfect.

he’s happy. all his worries have left him. for the first time in a long while, he’s at peace. it’s incredibly perfect. not even returning home later worries him, because quickly, he’ll be back here. permanently.

keigo flusters though, to being called prettier. it did always feel different coming from dabi. it’s why he cherished hearing it before, why he even changed his password on his computer to it. this time, it’s no different.]

You’ve always been insanely hot though. I hated keeping my hands off of you.

[keigo begins to persistently tug at dabi’s shirt, trying to get the other male up, so that they could be eye level. he wants to memorize every single detail of dabi’s features. and maybe cuddle a little more infinitely.]

I like you with and without the scars. You’re always so attractive. And sexy. You make me melt.

[ it's so easy to fall back into this with keigo, whether they should or not. what other choice is there, though? dabi is pretty sure he was gone the moment they first kissed. or when keigo invited him back to his place. when he'd get so jealous over the smallest thing that might've taken keigo away from him. but then it became everything else too, and dabi fell so hard. that's why it hurt so much in the end.

but maybe now they can change things. they can do it differently. they still have some things to work through, but they can do that once keigo is safe. once the two of them know they can be here together forever.

they'll work the rest out later, because dabi knows that either way, he still wants to be here with keigo. he wants this to be their home.]

Last thing I ever wanted was you keepin' your hands off'a me.

[he smiles a little more when keigo keeps tugging at him, and now that his emotions have calmed down a bit, he decides it's fine. he wants to look at keigo too. he still wants to take things slow though. very slow. as much as he wants to let certain things go, he can't help but still be wary too.

he believes keigo... but he still wants to make sure.

he does move up to lay in keigo's arms, though, and resists burying his face into keigo's neck so he can properly look at him instead, settling into the space the other man's body creates. it's like a dream, laying here with keigo so close again, and dabi lifts a hand, letting his thumb brush along the black markings under keigo's eye. ]

I thought it'd be weird without the scars. Or maybe that you'd think it was weird. I look so different. But it hurts less'n I dunno... feels kinda freeing to just cry like a normal fuckin' person again.

[not something he'd ever admit to anyone else. he always did admit more to keigo than to anyone else.]

[keigo would spend all of eternity to make up for his betrayal. anything to give dabi the love and adoration he deserved. he’ll do everything to regain any manner of trust. no matter how long it takes. he has the rest of their lives to make up for it.]

Then I guess my hands will be always on you.

[within reason. he wouldn’t want to make dabi uncomfortable, after all.

dabi comes up with his persistent tugging, earning a small smile from the former hero. to be able to see the other male clearly, it fills his stomach with butterflies.

keigo doesn’t intend for more, doesn’t expect it. he’s not going to push his old lover into anything he’s not ready for. this isn’t a relationship built on pure sex any more. keigo wants to do this right. dabi deserved all the love keigo can give, slowly but surely. they would go at dabi’s pace, and keigo was more than happy to do so.

his smile grows, a little wider and purely genuine, as dabi lays in his arms. it’s so pure here, getting to see the other male perfectly clearly. it gets a small flush at his cheeks with how beautiful dabi is before him. briefly, his eyes close in the innocent touch to his marking beneath his eyes. it was so pure.]

No matter what you look like, I’m attracted to all of you. I see only you. There’s nothing weird here.

[he whispers quietly, eyes reopening while he leans closer to bump their foreheads together affectionately. his hand continues to comb through soft hair while the other runs slow circles at dabi’s back.]

However you present yourself, I won’t lose my feelings or attraction. I want you to be comfortable. But, you are beautiful when you cry. And I mean that in a non sadist kind of way.

[maybe they'll be able to fix things now that they're away from everything and everyone. hopefully they'll be. dabi doesn't want to think about what'll happen if they can't get rid of endeavor, but even then they'll figure it out. they have to. ]

Bet they will be. You've always been so damn clingy.

[he says with a small smirk. there was a while when boundaries were an issue, he remembers, but then after that keigo had always made sure to ask. no one else ever had before, and it was important to him. dabi had always been used all his life... another reason the betrayal was so soul shattering. he felt used all over again by the one person he had started to trust.

he tries not to think about that right now, though. he doesn't want to over think this. they still have some time together, but not enough. not yet. he wants what they have in this moment to be as peaceful as possible. something keigo can hold on to no matter what.

when keigo opens his eyes and looks at him, it makes him feel warm again. the kind of warmth he hasn't felt in what feels like forever. he slides his fingers into the other man's hair when their foreheads bump and oh, he wants to kiss keigo so badly, but he can't. not yet. it still hurts too much when he thinks about it, even when he tries not to. ]

Thanks, Keigo.

[he says quietly, and then he has to close his eyes as well, because it's a lot. all of this is a lot. eventually he has to pull away to lay on his back, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. it's not as easy as he thought this was going to be. ]

Sorry.

Can't help it. It's like they have a mind of their own.

[he teases lightly. despite his words, he wouldn't touch without permission. it was very important to keigo that he provide safety and consent to his old lover, just like before. he wouldn't push any sort of boundaries, no matter what.

but, at least right then, he's getting to hold onto something so dear to him. to touch softly of the most important person to the former hero.

it's good to see dabi smirk though, even as small as it was. in a way, it gives keigo hope to get the other male back to his old self. although, if he's being honest, he likes this gentle, soft side of dabi just as much. it's like they're so honest and open with each other, despite everything that happened. it pulls his heart to witness, and keigo wanted nothing more than to hold this dear to his thoughts and memories.

with their heads bumped, he can feel dabi's breath near his. what he would give to feel those lips over his. but he doesn't give in. not yet. even he realizes that they're still working through their thoughts and feelings, and he wants dabi to be the first to make any sort of move. it was keigo's job to earn them back.

he doesn't mind when dabi pulls away either, because it was a lot for the two of them to come this far. yet, he does get a little worried to have the former villain lay on his back while covering his eyes.

once he catches the apology, keigo gives a small smile and comes to lean over, one arm wrapping protectively around dabi's head. he comes to half lay over the other male's shoulder, so his free hand can comb the hair out of his old lover's face. after a few brushes of his fingers, he gently places one over dabi's hand.]

Is it too much?

[he needed to know to back off. he also didn't want to pull away if dabi needed him either.]

[ dabi has been a lot of things here at san junipero. his old self, his self before that, a self he's never really seen before. a solitary self, a lonely self like the way he always felt when he was younger, and a quieter self that got ripped away from him when he was far too little.

so much has happened, he's not sure who he is anymore. he's not sure who he even can be. what he was as dabi was filled with anger and resentment, and what he was as touya was fear and pain.

what he was with keigo was entirely different from all of that, and maybe that's the person he was meant to be, without everything else in between. he wants to be open and honest with keigo, but he needs to make sure he can have that openness and honesty from keigo too. he also knows he can't rely on keigo completely. he needs to figure out who he is for himself, too. so far he's been doing a terrible job of that.

keigo follows his movements and dabi swallows hard. he wants to be held and he wants keigo's body against his, but so much has happened that they need to work through. ]

It's too much.

[he says, moving his hands from his eyes and moving keigo's hand from his along with them, but he grabs his wrist before he can move it away completely and just lays in on his chest instead.]

It's not too much. But it's a lot. I want ya here but I need some time.

[with all the different appearances of dabi, keigo isn't sure whether to call the scarred self by the prior villain's name and his non scarred flesh by touya. he's only referred to his former lover as dabi. he wasn't even sure if the true name was on the table or if dabi preferred it.

keigo had always liked his own natural name, but became well accustomed as the hero alias hawks. his situation was far more different than dabi's though. he figures dabi would tell him what he preferred.

hearing how it's too much for his former lover gets a brief, quick sad look but keigo quickly covers it up, smiling apologetically and acknowledging the other male. he had a feeling it was too much. and keigo desired consent far more than anything else. he wasn't going to push dabi into anything uncomfortable.

he goes to move away, to give dabi his space. honestly, he wouldn't mind looking through the room, to see what the other male has done to make it his own. keigo wanted to be close enough to talk and keep an eye on dabi. their time was so limited already. he wanted to spend it becoming comfortable, not forming any uneasiness.

but, as he sits up a bit, he feels dabi take his wrist and move it to his chest. it earns a soft look from the former hero, who rests on the bed, but remains close by. he keeps his hand in dabi's grip, a small smile coming to take his lips.]

Take your time. I'll wait for you forever.

[because they have eternity here. time wasn't of the essence.]

[ dabi isn't sure what he wants to be called either. he isn't sure about anything.

telling keigo his real name ended up being so much more of a violent thing than he initially intended it to be. he only meant for it to be violent with endeavor, not keigo. but that's how things ended up.

he had thought about telling him before that so many times, but he didn't want to risk it. everything he had been working towards was building up to his great reveal. now? now he hates how it all went down. of course he does. endeavor won and he died, and now keigo is dealing with the heavy consequences of his actions. he still wants to shake the other man sometimes, to ask him why he fucked it all up like this. maybe endeavor would have been dead instead, and things would have been fine. now they'll never know, and he knows keigo regrets it.

dabi needs his space, but he also needs keigo close, and he's relieved when keigo gets it. his former lover keeps his hand at his chest but he moves away a little, and it gives dabi a moment to be able to think. ]

There's some stuff I gotta tell ya.

[he starts, looking down at their hands. it's stuff about back then, it's stuff about now. maybe the stuff that's happened at san junipero doesn't matter anymore because he's dead, but it feels like it matters to him. he wants keigo to know it all before he died and ends up here full time, if that's what he decides to do. ]

Maybe I don't, I dunno. But... I feel like you should know. If we're gonna be honest with each other about everythin' from now on, we should tell each other everythin', right?

[they can't change the past, as desperate as keigo would like to do so. but, he doesn't want to live with regrets either. he wants everything out in the open. if dabi has a question for him, keigo wants to answer earnestly and honestly. no more lies.

it was so violent and passionate in a bad way when everything went down. it shouldn't have gone down like that. he should have stayed by dabi's side through it all. he'll continue to show his former lover that he means to do that now, that no matter what, he'll be on dabi's side.

in any case, he is glad to know dabi's real name. he can understand why the prior villain kept it to himself. it might not have been how dabi intended on him finding it out, but if the other male ever wishes to go by it, keigo will use that moment then to make it special.

keigo perks his head a bit as dabi speaks, coming to rest his chin on his other arm that was folded under him.

he doesn't answer for a brief second, letting the prior villain get his thoughts in order. he catches those blue eyes staring at their hands. it gets another small smile from the former hero.

dabi speaks again, and keigo returns his golden eyes onto his old lover's face.]

Tell me what's on your mind, Dabi.

[he offers while squeezing the hand that holds his for a brief few seconds.]

[ no more lies. dabi would like that. it's what he had always wanted to begin with. it's what he thought he was getting until keigo betrayed him. he wonders if they'll be able to do it, but they've both seen the consequences of not being honest now.

for now he'll remain dabi, scars or no. he still sees himself very much like the person he became when he had to leave his home. it's hard for him to move past some of those things, even without his scars. it's why he's done everything he's done while he's been here.

it's why he needs to tell keigo all of this, so he understands. ]

You saw my announcement, right? Back in... back when I was alive. Ya saw the broadcast I put out about Endeavor?

[dabi squeezes keigo's hand back, because it's a comfort to him, and because he's nervous. he hates talking about this, but keigo needs to know. he needs to understand why he was freaking out earlier as well.]

That wasn't all of it. Ain't even close to everythin' he did. And maybe this'll be hard for ya to hear, but I need ya to know.

[keigo listens intently, curious to know what dabi needed to tell him. it must be important. he could tell it would be.

he does nod his head when the announcement concerning endeavor is brought up. he hadn't seen it in full view, but it was shown to him later on, when he awoke from his coma. it's when he started to think there was more to everything, that endeavor wasn't who he said he was.

that endeavor wasn't the hero keigo thought him to be.

the nervousness is easy to note on dabi's features. he can only keep squeezing the hand that does the same to his, giving his old love the patience to speak. dabi continues, and keigo knows it'll be both hard for the prior villain to say, and for he himself to hear. if dabi is struggling this much, it was deep. but keigo needs to hear it. it was important.]

Take your time.

[he doesn't want to pressure dabi. this big, important thing. he wants to provide warmth and safety for dabi to speak without troubles.]

[ the fact that keigo had ratted him out to endeavor was one of the biggest blows. after everything.... the one man he cared about the most betrayed him to the one man he hated the most.

maybe he should have trusted keigo enough to tell him, but after everything keigo said about doing the right thing, about betraying him being worth it in the end... it would have been far worse if he had told keigo everything and he did what he thought needed to be done anyway.

he stops talking then, glancing at keigo, then he pushes himself up to sit, leaning back against the headboard. a moment after that, he pulls his hand away completely, wrapping his arms around himself. in a way, it's to keep what happened separate from keigo. ]

I was never good enough for him when I was younger. I used to try so hard at everythin' he put me through, but it was never enough. I'd train day and night, hours and hours on end, pushin' myself out of my own blood and dirt and puke. He'd get so angry. He'd beat me and asked me why I was makin' him do this to me. I thought it was my fault, ya know? I thought... why couldn't I just be better? Be more useful? Why couldn't I just be like him?

[he wanted it so badly back then. just like his father. he wanted to be a hero so badly back then. ]

But I couldn't do it. My body wasn't made for it. My quirk... it was meant more for cold than anythin' else and that's not what he made me for. That ain't what I was created by him for.

When he realizes this, he decided I was only good for somethin' else. When he slammed me down on the training room floor I thought I'd be gettin' the beating'a my life again, but then he ripped my pants off and...

[he stops, drawing his knees up.]

It's the only thing I was ever good for after that. He'd threaten me about my mom, my sister, Natsu. He'd get doctors to come fix me up, just enough so he could keep doin' it over and over again.

Pretty sure my mom knew. But she was scared. She didn't say shit. It just became a normal thing for him to do. Sometimes he'd tell me he'd divorce my mother and marry me instead. He said I looked just like her and he'd keep me there forever with him instead.

I dunno if that's why he said that to ya, or if that's why he wanted... I don't fuckin' know, but it's all my fault. It's all my fuckin' fault.

[keigo follows dabi's movement when the other male sits up. he comes to sit facing dabi, keeping his hands to himself even though he desperately wanted to take that hand back with his.

and quietly, keigo listens. it immediately pulls at his heart as dabi begins to describe the trauma. the violence and abuse. he thinks about a small dabi, a little touya, trying his hardest to please his father. a small memory fades into existence regarding his own childhood, but keigo quickly brushes it away.

he doesn't realize he had drifted his gaze down to his own lap when the old memory comes to mind. however, as dabi continues, the abuse that became worst, scared, sad eyes trained right back on his former lover's face.

so it's true.

and that makes keigo feel bile wanting to rise. he swallows it down, fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. there's anger and despair that swell in his chest.

again, it hits close to home hearing that rei knew of the torture. and again, keigo quickly tries not to think about his own mother. he returns to focus on dabi, as more and more of this makes sense to what he knew thus far. it makes his heart hurt to hear that last bit to it, and keigo quickly and immediately shakes his head, snapping a hand forward to rest on dabi's ankle and squeeze gently.]

It's not your fault. None of what he's done is your fault.

[keigo's voice cracks, his breath shaky and uneven. he's trying to keep himself together. he needed to tell dabi everything on his part too, if they're being honest together.]

He...he told me. Told me..all the time..that he would have you...through me. I'll do anything to keep him from touching you ever again. That's what I told him that night.

[desperately, he tries to keep the building tears at bay. keigo is terrified of that man, and terrified what he would do if he got his hands back on dabi. swallowing, keigo tries to keep his nerves at bay.]

The night we...wed..he said he finally got a piece of Touya's property. After that..he...

[the vomit wants to rise again, and keigo covers his mouth, fixing his eyes to glare at the bed covers. it takes a few deep, heavy breaths to calm his disgust.]

I had to call him..d-..daddy...sometimes he'd call me Touya...called me his pretty boy or wife..A lot of times, if I fought...he ordered me to scream Dabi and beg for you to save me.

[his voice breaks at the last few words. he never wanted to revisit this recent trauma, but keigo refused to hide anymore from dabi. and maybe that's what keeps him just a little steady, keeps the nausea down. there were so many times he begged for death in the last month, having determined that dabi was dead, so he wanted to be so too. they're both thankfully alive and able to live out without worldly boundaries, but that heavy fear is there for the both of them.]

...he needs to die. Before he tries to come here.

[ he's trying to stay as detached as possible while he talks about this, but it's never been easy for him to stay detached when it came to anything involving his father. when he was younger he used to disassociate. he'd have to in order to keep from going crazy, but maybe that didn't work out so well for him in the end.

maybe he went crazy anyway.

he can practically feel it when keigo makes those connections. as much as dabi pulls into himself, he can still sense the shift, and as much as he doesn't want to look at keigo right now, he can't help but glance up at him when he says it's not his fault.

his eyes are doubtful and sad, and the crack in keigo's voice tells him he's very much to blame, even if his words say otherwise.]

I...

[he starts, but he can't say the rest of it. he should have known what his father had wanted, and in the end, keigo was hurt because of him. because his father knew somehow that they had been together and took advantage of that as much as he could.

dabi had no idea how much until keigo goes on about the rest of it, and what he hears is devastating. it makes him sick to his core, and the more keigo tells him, the more his head starts spinning. to hear all those things again- the disgusting things his father used to say to him or make dabi call him while he was raped, it makes him want to vomit. it's that last part that breaks him the most though. the way he made keigo scream for him and beg for him to save him, but he was dead. this is everyone's number one hero.

dabi just stares at his knees, tears running down his face. ]

He fuckin' hurt you cause'a me. All'a those things he used to call me. He did to you... because'a me. How'd he find out? How'd he even know we had a...

[he doesn't know what to call it. but that part isn't even important right now. he drops his head into his hands, grabbing a fist full of hair.]

I was gonna kill him. That's all I wanted to fucking do! I was gonna kill him and ya fuckin' told him everything instead! And then you told me it was fuckin' worth it. For what? For this?!

[coming to admit everything in detail hurts, makes it so impossible to breathe. he wants to completely forget his torture, to soothe dabi through his. he wants to pick up these broken pieces of their lives and fix it all.

keigo finds himself shaking his head, unsure how endeavor ever discovered the relationship between him and dabi. he’s not sure how his handlers knew of it either. there’s someone who definitely had watched them, even though keigo generally kept an eye out for nosy voyeurs.

it was more than watching them once or twice too. both the hero commission and endeavor knew to exploit dabi to get keigo to kneel.

they had to have even known keigo would run away if dabi had agreed to it. why else would they have made that deal to the former hero before?

keigo snaps from his thoughts quickly to see dabi bury his head and tug at his own hair. it’s the angry words that still him though, with the darker parts of his mind that agree immediately with the other male.

you deserved it. you created this. it’s all your fault.

he tries to argue with himself, that he didn’t know or understand the extent of what endeavor was capable of, that he trusted his own handlers to keep their promise about not killing dabi or harming his mother. but his inner thoughts don’t let up, shattering his resolve to fix what he broke.

he was useless.

the hand that previously held dabi’s ankle releases, laying limp at his side.]

...You’re right.

[he says it softly.]

I can’t go back in time and stop myself. But I can hold off Endeavor right now until an opportunity arises to end him.

[ they weren't careful enough and keigo was so damn confident that no one was watching them. dabi was too, because at first he figured they were letting it happen. that keigo was a spy. he ended up being just as much one as dabi thought he was, before he let his guard down.

in the end, falling for keigo upended everything. maybe that's why he died. he was never going to get to endeavor if they had already known everything, even before keigo betrayed them. he can't believe that to be the truth. he would have known if someone had been onto them. when keigo came to the PLF, they even had that quirk user check him for bugs.

there's no way they could have known before keigo had said anything.

dabi blames himself for everything that happened to keigo, but he blames keigo for not letting him do what needed to be done at the time. he's angry at the other man, but mostly at himself. it's too much of a back and forth in his head, and it's making him spiral downward. that wasn't even everything he wanted to talk to keigo about, but now there's just this. ]

No!

[he yells, lifting his head to look at keigo.]

I don't want him fuckin' near you! I don't want him touching you again!

[but there's not a damn thing he can do because he's dead, and everything that's happening to keigo now is because of his father wanting to take back what he feels belongs to him. he definitely wasn't ready to hear all of this yet and everything feels like it's just unraveling in his head. ]

[keigo is spiraling down himself, so quick to give into the inner demons that nag him constantly in reality. they weren't wrong though. he had betrayed dabi, had lost the one and only person he ever fell in love with. had lost his wings. and his betrayal lead to the torturous life he lives now.

it's sanctuary here, within this simulated reality. to get to live again. to touch and feel what he lost. it wasn't reality. but it had everything keigo could ever want.

only good for one thing now.

that's right. he can do that much while they worked together on a plan. but endeavor has to know he's aware that dabi was alive now. if he returns that evening, the man would know that he knew. endeavor would expect him to react.

keigo can't even meet dabi's gaze, body and mind already preparing for the inevitable hot and heavy hands and filthy words. he's terrified again, tries to desperately recall the soft gestures from earlier-

you don't deserve that.]

We don't..have a lot of choices.

[his voice cracks. when he realizes his eyes are wet again, keigo finally moves his limp hand to try and rub his eyes dry.]

...I'm only good for one thing now.

I don't give a shit. He ain't gonna fuckin' ruin you anymore because'a me!

[ endeavor would only know keigo knew he was alive if he knew he came back here. he has no idea what's going on it that real world though, or what keigo is letting on. he has no idea why keigo came back here in the first place.

he can't do this right now, not like this. keigo has unearthed too much trauma, too many words that he was so used to hearing, that he thought he put behind him.

when keigo says those final words, the ones dabi had heard more than anything in his life, all while he was being abused, he loses it. his eyes go wide and he scrambles off the bed, his chest tightening so hard that he can't breathe.

it's almost like his biggest nightmare is right back here facing him again in the form of keigo. he can't do this. ]

No... no. Don't you dare fucking.... no. No.

[he shakes his head and he can't stop. he needs to get out of here. he feels his skin tightening and burning and he wants to rip it off all over again.]

I can't... I can't fuckin' do this. I can't listen to this bullshit! Why are you doing this to me?!

[he's out of the bedroom in a flash, going for the kitchen. he grabs a bottle and goes through his kitchen drawers, grabbing a knife.]