[ dabi isn't sure what he wants to be called either. he isn't sure about anything.
telling keigo his real name ended up being so much more of a violent thing than he initially intended it to be. he only meant for it to be violent with endeavor, not keigo. but that's how things ended up.
he had thought about telling him before that so many times, but he didn't want to risk it. everything he had been working towards was building up to his great reveal. now? now he hates how it all went down. of course he does. endeavor won and he died, and now keigo is dealing with the heavy consequences of his actions. he still wants to shake the other man sometimes, to ask him why he fucked it all up like this. maybe endeavor would have been dead instead, and things would have been fine. now they'll never know, and he knows keigo regrets it.
dabi needs his space, but he also needs keigo close, and he's relieved when keigo gets it. his former lover keeps his hand at his chest but he moves away a little, and it gives dabi a moment to be able to think. ]
There's some stuff I gotta tell ya.
[he starts, looking down at their hands. it's stuff about back then, it's stuff about now. maybe the stuff that's happened at san junipero doesn't matter anymore because he's dead, but it feels like it matters to him. he wants keigo to know it all before he died and ends up here full time, if that's what he decides to do. ]
Maybe I don't, I dunno. But... I feel like you should know. If we're gonna be honest with each other about everythin' from now on, we should tell each other everythin', right?
[they can't change the past, as desperate as keigo would like to do so. but, he doesn't want to live with regrets either. he wants everything out in the open. if dabi has a question for him, keigo wants to answer earnestly and honestly. no more lies.
it was so violent and passionate in a bad way when everything went down. it shouldn't have gone down like that. he should have stayed by dabi's side through it all. he'll continue to show his former lover that he means to do that now, that no matter what, he'll be on dabi's side.
in any case, he is glad to know dabi's real name. he can understand why the prior villain kept it to himself. it might not have been how dabi intended on him finding it out, but if the other male ever wishes to go by it, keigo will use that moment then to make it special.
keigo perks his head a bit as dabi speaks, coming to rest his chin on his other arm that was folded under him.
he doesn't answer for a brief second, letting the prior villain get his thoughts in order. he catches those blue eyes staring at their hands. it gets another small smile from the former hero.
dabi speaks again, and keigo returns his golden eyes onto his old lover's face.]
Tell me what's on your mind, Dabi.
[he offers while squeezing the hand that holds his for a brief few seconds.]
[ no more lies. dabi would like that. it's what he had always wanted to begin with. it's what he thought he was getting until keigo betrayed him. he wonders if they'll be able to do it, but they've both seen the consequences of not being honest now.
for now he'll remain dabi, scars or no. he still sees himself very much like the person he became when he had to leave his home. it's hard for him to move past some of those things, even without his scars. it's why he's done everything he's done while he's been here.
it's why he needs to tell keigo all of this, so he understands. ]
You saw my announcement, right? Back in... back when I was alive. Ya saw the broadcast I put out about Endeavor?
[dabi squeezes keigo's hand back, because it's a comfort to him, and because he's nervous. he hates talking about this, but keigo needs to know. he needs to understand why he was freaking out earlier as well.]
That wasn't all of it. Ain't even close to everythin' he did. And maybe this'll be hard for ya to hear, but I need ya to know.
[keigo listens intently, curious to know what dabi needed to tell him. it must be important. he could tell it would be.
he does nod his head when the announcement concerning endeavor is brought up. he hadn't seen it in full view, but it was shown to him later on, when he awoke from his coma. it's when he started to think there was more to everything, that endeavor wasn't who he said he was.
that endeavor wasn't the hero keigo thought him to be.
the nervousness is easy to note on dabi's features. he can only keep squeezing the hand that does the same to his, giving his old love the patience to speak. dabi continues, and keigo knows it'll be both hard for the prior villain to say, and for he himself to hear. if dabi is struggling this much, it was deep. but keigo needs to hear it. it was important.]
Take your time.
[he doesn't want to pressure dabi. this big, important thing. he wants to provide warmth and safety for dabi to speak without troubles.]
[ the fact that keigo had ratted him out to endeavor was one of the biggest blows. after everything.... the one man he cared about the most betrayed him to the one man he hated the most.
maybe he should have trusted keigo enough to tell him, but after everything keigo said about doing the right thing, about betraying him being worth it in the end... it would have been far worse if he had told keigo everything and he did what he thought needed to be done anyway.
he stops talking then, glancing at keigo, then he pushes himself up to sit, leaning back against the headboard. a moment after that, he pulls his hand away completely, wrapping his arms around himself. in a way, it's to keep what happened separate from keigo. ]
I was never good enough for him when I was younger. I used to try so hard at everythin' he put me through, but it was never enough. I'd train day and night, hours and hours on end, pushin' myself out of my own blood and dirt and puke. He'd get so angry. He'd beat me and asked me why I was makin' him do this to me. I thought it was my fault, ya know? I thought... why couldn't I just be better? Be more useful? Why couldn't I just be like him?
[he wanted it so badly back then. just like his father. he wanted to be a hero so badly back then. ]
But I couldn't do it. My body wasn't made for it. My quirk... it was meant more for cold than anythin' else and that's not what he made me for. That ain't what I was created by him for.
When he realizes this, he decided I was only good for somethin' else. When he slammed me down on the training room floor I thought I'd be gettin' the beating'a my life again, but then he ripped my pants off and...
[he stops, drawing his knees up.]
It's the only thing I was ever good for after that. He'd threaten me about my mom, my sister, Natsu. He'd get doctors to come fix me up, just enough so he could keep doin' it over and over again.
Pretty sure my mom knew. But she was scared. She didn't say shit. It just became a normal thing for him to do. Sometimes he'd tell me he'd divorce my mother and marry me instead. He said I looked just like her and he'd keep me there forever with him instead.
I dunno if that's why he said that to ya, or if that's why he wanted... I don't fuckin' know, but it's all my fault. It's all my fuckin' fault.
[keigo follows dabi's movement when the other male sits up. he comes to sit facing dabi, keeping his hands to himself even though he desperately wanted to take that hand back with his.
and quietly, keigo listens. it immediately pulls at his heart as dabi begins to describe the trauma. the violence and abuse. he thinks about a small dabi, a little touya, trying his hardest to please his father. a small memory fades into existence regarding his own childhood, but keigo quickly brushes it away.
he doesn't realize he had drifted his gaze down to his own lap when the old memory comes to mind. however, as dabi continues, the abuse that became worst, scared, sad eyes trained right back on his former lover's face.
so it's true.
and that makes keigo feel bile wanting to rise. he swallows it down, fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. there's anger and despair that swell in his chest.
again, it hits close to home hearing that rei knew of the torture. and again, keigo quickly tries not to think about his own mother. he returns to focus on dabi, as more and more of this makes sense to what he knew thus far. it makes his heart hurt to hear that last bit to it, and keigo quickly and immediately shakes his head, snapping a hand forward to rest on dabi's ankle and squeeze gently.]
It's not your fault. None of what he's done is your fault.
[keigo's voice cracks, his breath shaky and uneven. he's trying to keep himself together. he needed to tell dabi everything on his part too, if they're being honest together.]
He...he told me. Told me..all the time..that he would have you...through me. I'll do anything to keep him from touching you ever again. That's what I told him that night.
[desperately, he tries to keep the building tears at bay. keigo is terrified of that man, and terrified what he would do if he got his hands back on dabi. swallowing, keigo tries to keep his nerves at bay.]
The night we...wed..he said he finally got a piece of Touya's property. After that..he...
[the vomit wants to rise again, and keigo covers his mouth, fixing his eyes to glare at the bed covers. it takes a few deep, heavy breaths to calm his disgust.]
I had to call him..d-..daddy...sometimes he'd call me Touya...called me his pretty boy or wife..A lot of times, if I fought...he ordered me to scream Dabi and beg for you to save me.
[his voice breaks at the last few words. he never wanted to revisit this recent trauma, but keigo refused to hide anymore from dabi. and maybe that's what keeps him just a little steady, keeps the nausea down. there were so many times he begged for death in the last month, having determined that dabi was dead, so he wanted to be so too. they're both thankfully alive and able to live out without worldly boundaries, but that heavy fear is there for the both of them.]
[ he's trying to stay as detached as possible while he talks about this, but it's never been easy for him to stay detached when it came to anything involving his father. when he was younger he used to disassociate. he'd have to in order to keep from going crazy, but maybe that didn't work out so well for him in the end.
maybe he went crazy anyway.
he can practically feel it when keigo makes those connections. as much as dabi pulls into himself, he can still sense the shift, and as much as he doesn't want to look at keigo right now, he can't help but glance up at him when he says it's not his fault.
his eyes are doubtful and sad, and the crack in keigo's voice tells him he's very much to blame, even if his words say otherwise.]
I...
[he starts, but he can't say the rest of it. he should have known what his father had wanted, and in the end, keigo was hurt because of him. because his father knew somehow that they had been together and took advantage of that as much as he could.
dabi had no idea how much until keigo goes on about the rest of it, and what he hears is devastating. it makes him sick to his core, and the more keigo tells him, the more his head starts spinning. to hear all those things again- the disgusting things his father used to say to him or make dabi call him while he was raped, it makes him want to vomit. it's that last part that breaks him the most though. the way he made keigo scream for him and beg for him to save him, but he was dead. this is everyone's number one hero.
dabi just stares at his knees, tears running down his face. ]
He fuckin' hurt you cause'a me. All'a those things he used to call me. He did to you... because'a me. How'd he find out? How'd he even know we had a...
[he doesn't know what to call it. but that part isn't even important right now. he drops his head into his hands, grabbing a fist full of hair.]
I was gonna kill him. That's all I wanted to fucking do! I was gonna kill him and ya fuckin' told him everything instead! And then you told me it was fuckin' worth it. For what? For this?!
[coming to admit everything in detail hurts, makes it so impossible to breathe. he wants to completely forget his torture, to soothe dabi through his. he wants to pick up these broken pieces of their lives and fix it all.
keigo finds himself shaking his head, unsure how endeavor ever discovered the relationship between him and dabi. he’s not sure how his handlers knew of it either. there’s someone who definitely had watched them, even though keigo generally kept an eye out for nosy voyeurs.
it was more than watching them once or twice too. both the hero commission and endeavor knew to exploit dabi to get keigo to kneel.
they had to have even known keigo would run away if dabi had agreed to it. why else would they have made that deal to the former hero before?
keigo snaps from his thoughts quickly to see dabi bury his head and tug at his own hair. it’s the angry words that still him though, with the darker parts of his mind that agree immediately with the other male.
you deserved it. you created this. it’s all your fault.
he tries to argue with himself, that he didn’t know or understand the extent of what endeavor was capable of, that he trusted his own handlers to keep their promise about not killing dabi or harming his mother. but his inner thoughts don’t let up, shattering his resolve to fix what he broke.
he was useless.
the hand that previously held dabi’s ankle releases, laying limp at his side.]
...You’re right.
[he says it softly.]
I can’t go back in time and stop myself. But I can hold off Endeavor right now until an opportunity arises to end him.
[ they weren't careful enough and keigo was so damn confident that no one was watching them. dabi was too, because at first he figured they were letting it happen. that keigo was a spy. he ended up being just as much one as dabi thought he was, before he let his guard down.
in the end, falling for keigo upended everything. maybe that's why he died. he was never going to get to endeavor if they had already known everything, even before keigo betrayed them. he can't believe that to be the truth. he would have known if someone had been onto them. when keigo came to the PLF, they even had that quirk user check him for bugs.
there's no way they could have known before keigo had said anything.
dabi blames himself for everything that happened to keigo, but he blames keigo for not letting him do what needed to be done at the time. he's angry at the other man, but mostly at himself. it's too much of a back and forth in his head, and it's making him spiral downward. that wasn't even everything he wanted to talk to keigo about, but now there's just this. ]
No!
[he yells, lifting his head to look at keigo.]
I don't want him fuckin' near you! I don't want him touching you again!
[but there's not a damn thing he can do because he's dead, and everything that's happening to keigo now is because of his father wanting to take back what he feels belongs to him. he definitely wasn't ready to hear all of this yet and everything feels like it's just unraveling in his head. ]
[keigo is spiraling down himself, so quick to give into the inner demons that nag him constantly in reality. they weren't wrong though. he had betrayed dabi, had lost the one and only person he ever fell in love with. had lost his wings. and his betrayal lead to the torturous life he lives now.
it's sanctuary here, within this simulated reality. to get to live again. to touch and feel what he lost. it wasn't reality. but it had everything keigo could ever want.
only good for one thing now.
that's right. he can do that much while they worked together on a plan. but endeavor has to know he's aware that dabi was alive now. if he returns that evening, the man would know that he knew. endeavor would expect him to react.
keigo can't even meet dabi's gaze, body and mind already preparing for the inevitable hot and heavy hands and filthy words. he's terrified again, tries to desperately recall the soft gestures from earlier-
you don't deserve that.]
We don't..have a lot of choices.
[his voice cracks. when he realizes his eyes are wet again, keigo finally moves his limp hand to try and rub his eyes dry.]
I don't give a shit. He ain't gonna fuckin' ruin you anymore because'a me!
[ endeavor would only know keigo knew he was alive if he knew he came back here. he has no idea what's going on it that real world though, or what keigo is letting on. he has no idea why keigo came back here in the first place.
he can't do this right now, not like this. keigo has unearthed too much trauma, too many words that he was so used to hearing, that he thought he put behind him.
when keigo says those final words, the ones dabi had heard more than anything in his life, all while he was being abused, he loses it. his eyes go wide and he scrambles off the bed, his chest tightening so hard that he can't breathe.
it's almost like his biggest nightmare is right back here facing him again in the form of keigo. he can't do this. ]
No... no. Don't you dare fucking.... no. No.
[he shakes his head and he can't stop. he needs to get out of here. he feels his skin tightening and burning and he wants to rip it off all over again.]
I can't... I can't fuckin' do this. I can't listen to this bullshit! Why are you doing this to me?!
[he's out of the bedroom in a flash, going for the kitchen. he grabs a bottle and goes through his kitchen drawers, grabbing a knife.]
[keigo initially flinches when dabi first shouts. they have such limited choices though. the clock was ticking, and, oh, keigo wanted to just kill himself in reality and be back here again. but endeavor would follow them, no doubt. this was his retirement plan.
and without death, the madman would continue to torture dabi and himself.
golden eyes finally do snap up when the former villain scrambles off the bed. it's hard to not be terrified here, scared of losing dabi now because he's completely worthless himself. his golden eyes show the fear there, and he grips the bed covers, not even sure how to answer as he watches dabi spiral out of control.
before he can try to even think though, the other male is out the door in a rush.
he's running away from you again.
he quickly follows though, not sure what else to do. he's run away before, gave dabi his space, but the cycle only continues. in the kitchen, he sees his former lover with a bottle and knife, and he's not sure why both, but he doesn't spend much thought processing it. he reacts on instinct instead, grabbing dabi by the upper arm to turn and shove the other male against the kitchen counter. one hand immediately wraps around the blade of the knife, holding it tightly, while he uses his other to take dabi's wrist to the hand that holds the bottle.]
D...don't.
[he breathes out heavy, shoulders trembling. he's never been scared of dabi before, but right then, he was. both of, and for. it didn't matter that immortality was the key component of this world. keigo couldn't bare to witness pain, torture, or death of any sort.]
[ it isn't the first shout and it definitely won't be the last. dabi doesn't want to deal with endeavor in this place too, but he's going to follow him forever... through keigo. he can't stand it.
dabi is about to go on a very destructive bender just to rid himself of this feeling, this fear, this panic that wells up inside of him when he thinks of what his father has done, and what he'd gotten keigo to say. he doesn't want to hear those words. he can't. he's done so much to get away from it, but it's right here again.
he doesn't even hear keigo until he's right there next to him, grabbing his arm and shoving him into the counter. his eyes are still wide and wild, and he wants to pull flames from inside himself to burn- but he can't. he wants to yank himself away from keigo, but he doesn't. ]
I don't wanna do this anymore! He's in my head, he's inside'a me, he's in you! He's fuckin' everywhere, I can't get rid'a him! Just stop! Just... please, stop.
[he breaks down in tears, hands slumping in keigo's hold.]
[being this close to dabi should come with some form of consent, but keigo had to stop the other male before he hurt himself or the prior hero. he's not sure what dabi is trying to do either. and he's scared of not knowing too.
he tries to steady his breath while listening to the broken words. it crushes his heart to hear them, to hear the tears that form. he can feel the hands slumping too, but it's not enough.]
Let them go.
[he says quietly, terrified eyes trying to plead with the other male.
honestly, he's a bit lost of what to do or say to help dabi. keigo isn't sure how to fix this. it's like he's keeping dabi from leaping over a cliff while his own inner demons demand he jump off himself.
the only thing he knows for certain is that he has to keep endeavor away from dabi, no matter what. he's the one alive here. and dabi is so broken. unless they have a plan, he'll need to try every trick and ploy to keep them separated. as terrifying as that was. but he has to protect dabi.
he won't bring it up anymore, though. he'll stop voicing endeavor all together, like dabi needs. keigo doesn't want to break the other male further.]
[ dabi isn't sure what he wants to do either, he's just trying anything to make this stop. this isn't how he wanted this to go at all, but it snowballed into this mess, and he's still too close to all the trauma for him to even think about stopping.
the thing about san junipero is, there's all this heavenly shit, but there's the intensity of emotions too. when he found out about it, dabi thought that maybe all the pain controls were off, but somehow they're more intense than ever now. or maybe it's just because he's letting himself feel things he never felt before.
maybe it's because he feels things for keigo he never let himself feel before, and the fact that his father twisted it all so horribly feels devastating to him.
but it's keigo he wants still, and the way his former lover looks at him now makes him stop. he lets go, then crumbles into his arms, head falling against his shoulder. ]
[keigo can't see into dabi's mind. he can't understand or know what is ticking. what does he say? what does he do? he knows he needs to get those things out of dabi's hands first though. one step at a time, he tells himself.
finally, dabi not only releases them, but also crumbles down, and keigo quickly holds onto his former lover. he drops both the knife and bottle in the process, where the bottle breaks on the floor. but, a quick look down, and he sees no mess. both items are back on the kitchen counter.
without needing to worry about them, keigo focuses on dabi, breathing out in relief as he hears his name.]
I'm here, Dabi.
[he responds back, rubbing soft circles over the other male's back.]
[ he wishes keigo could see into his mind. maybe that would make all of this easier. but easy was never a thing between the two of them, even when they tried for it so hard. even in death, all of it is more complicated than it ever was.
he doesn't care about the bottle, the knife. he knows it'll all just be right back to where he got it from. keigo won't be, though, and he suddenly clings to him so hard that it seems like he may never let go.
he's falling apart here. he has been for a very long time. he doesn't want keigo to fall apart too. ]
Don't ever fuckin' say that again. Don't ever.
[his arms tighten around keigo and he pulls him closer, tears flowing far too freely into his shoulder.]
You're mine, Keigo. I need you to be mine. Not his.
[suddenly, it's like the breath is stolen right out of him as dabi tightens his arms around him. instinctively, he grips hard to the former villain's shirt, terrified to let go now. he doesn't know how much time they have left, and he doesn't want to leave this.
the ledge he was teetering so close to feels like a mile away by just being in these arms. dabi is saving him again. constantly.
and if those warm arms wrapped around him aren't enough to remind the former hero, those words certainly do.
keigo finds himself gasping, clinging even tighter as he processes them. he can feel dabi's tears seeping into his shirt at his shoulder. he doesn't even really focus so much on that but rather the possessive words he hasn't heard in a long time.]
S..say it again. Please.
[he might be asking too much, but keigo needed to hear it again. he knows it's greedy. he just...he needs it to keep him away from that ledge.]
[ dabi doesn't know what to do with all of this whiplash. it's too much, but now in keigo's arms it's not even close to being enough at all.
when keigo clings back, he knows he has to try harder. he has to move through these broken shards in his head. he has to do something to keep keigo here with him. he'll say those words a thousand times if he has to, as long as he never hears the ones he always said as a child, coming out of keigo's mouth instead. ]
You're mine, Keigo. You're mine. Ya don't belong to anyone else but me. Please...
[keigo hiccups hearing those words again. to be wanted once more. he desperately holds these words close to his heart and mind, pushes back the inner demons to be locked back up all over again.
immediately, he buries his face into dabi's shoulder, breath coming out shaky as he tries to will away all the pent up terror and anxiety since their initial conversation had begun.]
All yours. Only yours.
[keigo agrees immediately. he's sure he'll end up ripping dabi's shirt if he doesn't calm himself down, but he doesn't want to let go of this moment. he doesn't want to let go of dabi either.]
[ in the end that's what he had wanted. he was so scared of it, but he knew deep down he wanted keigo to stay with him when he was alive.
even in death. there are just so many more obstacles to climb. but he needs keigo to know. he's worth more than that. he's more than just what that monster has put on him. he just doesn't know how to show it. he doesn't even know how to say it.
this is the only way he knows how.
he holds keigo just as tightly, and maybe now they can finally be one. he'll do anything to keep endeavor away from keigo. keigo is his. ]
We gotta figure out a way we can be sure'a that. Ya can't just go back there and let him... I won't fuckin' let that happen.
[he knows it's a stupid thing to say because he's dead, and he can't go back there with keigo, but they'll figure something out. they have to. he doesn't pull back, not until he absolutely has to look at keigo again.]
M'sorry. Sorry. This place makes me fuckin' crazy.
[ it isn't the place that makes him feel crazy, though- it's always been endeavor.]
[this close, keigo can breathe and drown himself in dabi's scent. it only reminds him how real this is. dabi was right there, holding him tightly. it's not just a figment of his imagination.
it's truly unfair to be forced to go back to his hell when he has heaven right there, holding him tightly. he wants dabi to never let him go. he belonged to dabi. not endeavor.
not trusting his voice to speak for a few seconds, keigo nods his head. he tries to come up with a solution. it was up to him to stop endeavor while dabi was here. he can't trust prison to keep the man. besides, the hero commission would gladly keep the number one in the spotlight, no matter what keigo did.]
I don't want to go back.
[he admits truthfully and softly. with dabi not pulling back, keigo doesn't either. to be close like this keeps his mind and emotions calmed. he doesn't drown in dark thoughts. all he sees and feels is dabi.]
It's okay. I'm sorry too. I won't ever say that again.
[he apologizes, coming to comb a hand through dabi's hair.]
[this whole thing feels like a nightmare, but maybe it doesn't have to end that way. they have each other, even if it's only for bits of time for now. if Keigo wants to, he can join Dabi here for even longer than that. they just have to figure out how to get rid of endeavor.
Dabi knows he'll still get mad about this. he'll lash out and fall into a hole more than once. he knows he has to get over it but that's easier said than done. he just hopes Keigo understands.
there are times it might get even darker like tonight... but like always, Keigo is able to pull him out of it. maybe one day Dabi can be that for Keigo too, but right now he's just too messed up in his head.]
Don't want you to go back either. This'll be the last time, ok? We'll figure somethin' out.
[they need to talk about it. they can't ignore this any longer. maybe if they come up with a plan this won't seem so desperately painful.]
It ain't all you're good for, Keigo. You better fuckin' know that, alright? He doesn't fuckin know you. I do.
[More than anyone, he hopes.]
I'm yours. I'll always be yours.
[which is why he wanted to talk to Keigo about what he's been doing here, but they got so off track. maybe Keigo doesn't need to hear it though. maybe it doesn't matter anymore.]
[dabi's anger would return. keigo is aware of that. it may never even go away. he may also see dabi in that previous state of hurt too. keigo accepts he would have to do his best to help dabi through it, to try and handle he anger that would come his way. if he wants to be with dabi, it's these sort of things he has to be willing to handle.
he's not sure if his own trauma would surface or if he that earlier fear would shine bright in his eyes again. but he also would rather be here for dabi than think about that. he wants so much to remain in these arms and, for once, it's all real here, the way it should have been.]
Okay.
[keigo agrees in a small voice. the last time, dabi says. keigo can handle that. he can do it. how they do it is still lost to the former hero. he wishes the answer was clear and simple, of what steps he had to take in order to get him back to dabi without endeavor ever showing up in their lives again.
his head on dabi's shoulder does lift up a bit to bury into the other male's neck when those following words come. he nods again, tears wetting his eyes.]
No one knows me like you do.
[it's the truth. he's never opened himself up quite like he did with dabi, despite the lies and betrayal. he had been honest with his love and intimacy. with endeavor, keigo had shut down and never gave an ounce of adoration or affection, and, maybe pitifully, he had believed the man to his words.
but, he has dabi here, reminding keigo of his worth.
he can only cling tighter though, hearing dabi agree that he belonged to the former hero. he sure that would please his jealous streak, but it's only the two of them here. it makes him feel at peace to hear such words though.]
I have...I have something for you. In the weeks, or months, or years, whenever you're ready, there's something special I want to give you.
[ if they were back in the real world maybe dabi would be able to get help for his anger, his trauma, his pain. or maybe he wouldn't have ever agreed to any of that unless he was forced to do so. but here there's no hope of it, and while that's not fair to put on keigo, he really is the only way dabi can find peace with any of this.
maybe keigo will be able to find some peace too.
they're going to talk about how to fix this once they've calmed down enough to be able to pull away from each other. if they still need to cling, so be it. they've never let themselves do this before. not like this. ]
We ain't gonna let him win. No fuckin' way. We just gotta be smart about it.
[keigo clings to him and dabi lets him. he moves his arms tight around him again just like before. he wishes he could bury his hands in keigo's wings, but that's just another part of them that he ruined and for what? there's that guilt again, bubbling up alongside everything. keigo is his and he's keigo's, and yet they've both hurt each other so much.
he pulls back finally when keigo says he has something for him. something special. he can't imagine what it could be and maybe he doesn't deserve it.]
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telling keigo his real name ended up being so much more of a violent thing than he initially intended it to be. he only meant for it to be violent with endeavor, not keigo. but that's how things ended up.
he had thought about telling him before that so many times, but he didn't want to risk it. everything he had been working towards was building up to his great reveal. now? now he hates how it all went down. of course he does. endeavor won and he died, and now keigo is dealing with the heavy consequences of his actions. he still wants to shake the other man sometimes, to ask him why he fucked it all up like this. maybe endeavor would have been dead instead, and things would have been fine. now they'll never know, and he knows keigo regrets it.
dabi needs his space, but he also needs keigo close, and he's relieved when keigo gets it. his former lover keeps his hand at his chest but he moves away a little, and it gives dabi a moment to be able to think. ]
There's some stuff I gotta tell ya.
[he starts, looking down at their hands. it's stuff about back then, it's stuff about now. maybe the stuff that's happened at san junipero doesn't matter anymore because he's dead, but it feels like it matters to him. he wants keigo to know it all before he died and ends up here full time, if that's what he decides to do. ]
Maybe I don't, I dunno. But... I feel like you should know. If we're gonna be honest with each other about everythin' from now on, we should tell each other everythin', right?
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it was so violent and passionate in a bad way when everything went down. it shouldn't have gone down like that. he should have stayed by dabi's side through it all. he'll continue to show his former lover that he means to do that now, that no matter what, he'll be on dabi's side.
in any case, he is glad to know dabi's real name. he can understand why the prior villain kept it to himself. it might not have been how dabi intended on him finding it out, but if the other male ever wishes to go by it, keigo will use that moment then to make it special.
keigo perks his head a bit as dabi speaks, coming to rest his chin on his other arm that was folded under him.
he doesn't answer for a brief second, letting the prior villain get his thoughts in order. he catches those blue eyes staring at their hands. it gets another small smile from the former hero.
dabi speaks again, and keigo returns his golden eyes onto his old lover's face.]
Tell me what's on your mind, Dabi.
[he offers while squeezing the hand that holds his for a brief few seconds.]
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for now he'll remain dabi, scars or no. he still sees himself very much like the person he became when he had to leave his home. it's hard for him to move past some of those things, even without his scars. it's why he's done everything he's done while he's been here.
it's why he needs to tell keigo all of this, so he understands. ]
You saw my announcement, right? Back in... back when I was alive. Ya saw the broadcast I put out about Endeavor?
[dabi squeezes keigo's hand back, because it's a comfort to him, and because he's nervous. he hates talking about this, but keigo needs to know. he needs to understand why he was freaking out earlier as well.]
That wasn't all of it. Ain't even close to everythin' he did. And maybe this'll be hard for ya to hear, but I need ya to know.
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he does nod his head when the announcement concerning endeavor is brought up. he hadn't seen it in full view, but it was shown to him later on, when he awoke from his coma. it's when he started to think there was more to everything, that endeavor wasn't who he said he was.
that endeavor wasn't the hero keigo thought him to be.
the nervousness is easy to note on dabi's features. he can only keep squeezing the hand that does the same to his, giving his old love the patience to speak. dabi continues, and keigo knows it'll be both hard for the prior villain to say, and for he himself to hear. if dabi is struggling this much, it was deep. but keigo needs to hear it. it was important.]
Take your time.
[he doesn't want to pressure dabi. this big, important thing. he wants to provide warmth and safety for dabi to speak without troubles.]
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maybe he should have trusted keigo enough to tell him, but after everything keigo said about doing the right thing, about betraying him being worth it in the end... it would have been far worse if he had told keigo everything and he did what he thought needed to be done anyway.
he stops talking then, glancing at keigo, then he pushes himself up to sit, leaning back against the headboard. a moment after that, he pulls his hand away completely, wrapping his arms around himself. in a way, it's to keep what happened separate from keigo. ]
I was never good enough for him when I was younger. I used to try so hard at everythin' he put me through, but it was never enough. I'd train day and night, hours and hours on end, pushin' myself out of my own blood and dirt and puke. He'd get so angry. He'd beat me and asked me why I was makin' him do this to me. I thought it was my fault, ya know? I thought... why couldn't I just be better? Be more useful? Why couldn't I just be like him?
[he wanted it so badly back then. just like his father. he wanted to be a hero so badly back then. ]
But I couldn't do it. My body wasn't made for it. My quirk... it was meant more for cold than anythin' else and that's not what he made me for. That ain't what I was created by him for.
When he realizes this, he decided I was only good for somethin' else. When he slammed me down on the training room floor I thought I'd be gettin' the beating'a my life again, but then he ripped my pants off and...
[he stops, drawing his knees up.]
It's the only thing I was ever good for after that. He'd threaten me about my mom, my sister, Natsu. He'd get doctors to come fix me up, just enough so he could keep doin' it over and over again.
Pretty sure my mom knew. But she was scared. She didn't say shit. It just became a normal thing for him to do. Sometimes he'd tell me he'd divorce my mother and marry me instead. He said I looked just like her and he'd keep me there forever with him instead.
I dunno if that's why he said that to ya, or if that's why he wanted... I don't fuckin' know, but it's all my fault. It's all my fuckin' fault.
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and quietly, keigo listens. it immediately pulls at his heart as dabi begins to describe the trauma. the violence and abuse. he thinks about a small dabi, a little touya, trying his hardest to please his father. a small memory fades into existence regarding his own childhood, but keigo quickly brushes it away.
he doesn't realize he had drifted his gaze down to his own lap when the old memory comes to mind. however, as dabi continues, the abuse that became worst, scared, sad eyes trained right back on his former lover's face.
so it's true.
and that makes keigo feel bile wanting to rise. he swallows it down, fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. there's anger and despair that swell in his chest.
again, it hits close to home hearing that rei knew of the torture. and again, keigo quickly tries not to think about his own mother. he returns to focus on dabi, as more and more of this makes sense to what he knew thus far. it makes his heart hurt to hear that last bit to it, and keigo quickly and immediately shakes his head, snapping a hand forward to rest on dabi's ankle and squeeze gently.]
It's not your fault. None of what he's done is your fault.
[keigo's voice cracks, his breath shaky and uneven. he's trying to keep himself together. he needed to tell dabi everything on his part too, if they're being honest together.]
He...he told me. Told me..all the time..that he would have you...through me. I'll do anything to keep him from touching you ever again. That's what I told him that night.
[desperately, he tries to keep the building tears at bay. keigo is terrified of that man, and terrified what he would do if he got his hands back on dabi. swallowing, keigo tries to keep his nerves at bay.]
The night we...wed..he said he finally got a piece of Touya's property. After that..he...
[the vomit wants to rise again, and keigo covers his mouth, fixing his eyes to glare at the bed covers. it takes a few deep, heavy breaths to calm his disgust.]
I had to call him..d-..daddy...sometimes he'd call me Touya...called me his pretty boy or wife..A lot of times, if I fought...he ordered me to scream Dabi and beg for you to save me.
[his voice breaks at the last few words. he never wanted to revisit this recent trauma, but keigo refused to hide anymore from dabi. and maybe that's what keeps him just a little steady, keeps the nausea down. there were so many times he begged for death in the last month, having determined that dabi was dead, so he wanted to be so too. they're both thankfully alive and able to live out without worldly boundaries, but that heavy fear is there for the both of them.]
...he needs to die. Before he tries to come here.
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maybe he went crazy anyway.
he can practically feel it when keigo makes those connections. as much as dabi pulls into himself, he can still sense the shift, and as much as he doesn't want to look at keigo right now, he can't help but glance up at him when he says it's not his fault.
his eyes are doubtful and sad, and the crack in keigo's voice tells him he's very much to blame, even if his words say otherwise.]
I...
[he starts, but he can't say the rest of it. he should have known what his father had wanted, and in the end, keigo was hurt because of him. because his father knew somehow that they had been together and took advantage of that as much as he could.
dabi had no idea how much until keigo goes on about the rest of it, and what he hears is devastating. it makes him sick to his core, and the more keigo tells him, the more his head starts spinning. to hear all those things again- the disgusting things his father used to say to him or make dabi call him while he was raped, it makes him want to vomit. it's that last part that breaks him the most though. the way he made keigo scream for him and beg for him to save him, but he was dead. this is everyone's number one hero.
dabi just stares at his knees, tears running down his face. ]
He fuckin' hurt you cause'a me. All'a those things he used to call me. He did to you... because'a me. How'd he find out? How'd he even know we had a...
[he doesn't know what to call it. but that part isn't even important right now. he drops his head into his hands, grabbing a fist full of hair.]
I was gonna kill him. That's all I wanted to fucking do! I was gonna kill him and ya fuckin' told him everything instead! And then you told me it was fuckin' worth it. For what? For this?!
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keigo finds himself shaking his head, unsure how endeavor ever discovered the relationship between him and dabi. he’s not sure how his handlers knew of it either. there’s someone who definitely had watched them, even though keigo generally kept an eye out for nosy voyeurs.
it was more than watching them once or twice too. both the hero commission and endeavor knew to exploit dabi to get keigo to kneel.
they had to have even known keigo would run away if dabi had agreed to it. why else would they have made that deal to the former hero before?
keigo snaps from his thoughts quickly to see dabi bury his head and tug at his own hair. it’s the angry words that still him though, with the darker parts of his mind that agree immediately with the other male.
you deserved it. you created this. it’s all your fault.
he tries to argue with himself, that he didn’t know or understand the extent of what endeavor was capable of, that he trusted his own handlers to keep their promise about not killing dabi or harming his mother. but his inner thoughts don’t let up, shattering his resolve to fix what he broke.
he was useless.
the hand that previously held dabi’s ankle releases, laying limp at his side.]
...You’re right.
[he says it softly.]
I can’t go back in time and stop myself. But I can hold off Endeavor right now until an opportunity arises to end him.
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in the end, falling for keigo upended everything. maybe that's why he died. he was never going to get to endeavor if they had already known everything, even before keigo betrayed them. he can't believe that to be the truth. he would have known if someone had been onto them. when keigo came to the PLF, they even had that quirk user check him for bugs.
there's no way they could have known before keigo had said anything.
dabi blames himself for everything that happened to keigo, but he blames keigo for not letting him do what needed to be done at the time. he's angry at the other man, but mostly at himself. it's too much of a back and forth in his head, and it's making him spiral downward. that wasn't even everything he wanted to talk to keigo about, but now there's just this. ]
No!
[he yells, lifting his head to look at keigo.]
I don't want him fuckin' near you! I don't want him touching you again!
[but there's not a damn thing he can do because he's dead, and everything that's happening to keigo now is because of his father wanting to take back what he feels belongs to him. he definitely wasn't ready to hear all of this yet and everything feels like it's just unraveling in his head. ]
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it's sanctuary here, within this simulated reality. to get to live again. to touch and feel what he lost. it wasn't reality. but it had everything keigo could ever want.
only good for one thing now.
that's right. he can do that much while they worked together on a plan. but endeavor has to know he's aware that dabi was alive now. if he returns that evening, the man would know that he knew. endeavor would expect him to react.
keigo can't even meet dabi's gaze, body and mind already preparing for the inevitable hot and heavy hands and filthy words. he's terrified again, tries to desperately recall the soft gestures from earlier-
you don't deserve that.]
We don't..have a lot of choices.
[his voice cracks. when he realizes his eyes are wet again, keigo finally moves his limp hand to try and rub his eyes dry.]
...I'm only good for one thing now.
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[ endeavor would only know keigo knew he was alive if he knew he came back here. he has no idea what's going on it that real world though, or what keigo is letting on. he has no idea why keigo came back here in the first place.
he can't do this right now, not like this. keigo has unearthed too much trauma, too many words that he was so used to hearing, that he thought he put behind him.
when keigo says those final words, the ones dabi had heard more than anything in his life, all while he was being abused, he loses it. his eyes go wide and he scrambles off the bed, his chest tightening so hard that he can't breathe.
it's almost like his biggest nightmare is right back here facing him again in the form of keigo. he can't do this. ]
No... no. Don't you dare fucking.... no. No.
[he shakes his head and he can't stop. he needs to get out of here. he feels his skin tightening and burning and he wants to rip it off all over again.]
I can't... I can't fuckin' do this. I can't listen to this bullshit! Why are you doing this to me?!
[he's out of the bedroom in a flash, going for the kitchen. he grabs a bottle and goes through his kitchen drawers, grabbing a knife.]
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and without death, the madman would continue to torture dabi and himself.
golden eyes finally do snap up when the former villain scrambles off the bed. it's hard to not be terrified here, scared of losing dabi now because he's completely worthless himself. his golden eyes show the fear there, and he grips the bed covers, not even sure how to answer as he watches dabi spiral out of control.
before he can try to even think though, the other male is out the door in a rush.
he's running away from you again.
he quickly follows though, not sure what else to do. he's run away before, gave dabi his space, but the cycle only continues. in the kitchen, he sees his former lover with a bottle and knife, and he's not sure why both, but he doesn't spend much thought processing it. he reacts on instinct instead, grabbing dabi by the upper arm to turn and shove the other male against the kitchen counter. one hand immediately wraps around the blade of the knife, holding it tightly, while he uses his other to take dabi's wrist to the hand that holds the bottle.]
D...don't.
[he breathes out heavy, shoulders trembling. he's never been scared of dabi before, but right then, he was. both of, and for. it didn't matter that immortality was the key component of this world. keigo couldn't bare to witness pain, torture, or death of any sort.]
Please.
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dabi is about to go on a very destructive bender just to rid himself of this feeling, this fear, this panic that wells up inside of him when he thinks of what his father has done, and what he'd gotten keigo to say. he doesn't want to hear those words. he can't. he's done so much to get away from it, but it's right here again.
he doesn't even hear keigo until he's right there next to him, grabbing his arm and shoving him into the counter. his eyes are still wide and wild, and he wants to pull flames from inside himself to burn- but he can't. he wants to yank himself away from keigo, but he doesn't. ]
I don't wanna do this anymore! He's in my head, he's inside'a me, he's in you! He's fuckin' everywhere, I can't get rid'a him! Just stop! Just... please, stop.
[he breaks down in tears, hands slumping in keigo's hold.]
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he tries to steady his breath while listening to the broken words. it crushes his heart to hear them, to hear the tears that form. he can feel the hands slumping too, but it's not enough.]
Let them go.
[he says quietly, terrified eyes trying to plead with the other male.
honestly, he's a bit lost of what to do or say to help dabi. keigo isn't sure how to fix this. it's like he's keeping dabi from leaping over a cliff while his own inner demons demand he jump off himself.
the only thing he knows for certain is that he has to keep endeavor away from dabi, no matter what. he's the one alive here. and dabi is so broken. unless they have a plan, he'll need to try every trick and ploy to keep them separated. as terrifying as that was. but he has to protect dabi.
he won't bring it up anymore, though. he'll stop voicing endeavor all together, like dabi needs. keigo doesn't want to break the other male further.]
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the thing about san junipero is, there's all this heavenly shit, but there's the intensity of emotions too. when he found out about it, dabi thought that maybe all the pain controls were off, but somehow they're more intense than ever now. or maybe it's just because he's letting himself feel things he never felt before.
maybe it's because he feels things for keigo he never let himself feel before, and the fact that his father twisted it all so horribly feels devastating to him.
but it's keigo he wants still, and the way his former lover looks at him now makes him stop. he lets go, then crumbles into his arms, head falling against his shoulder. ]
Kiego...
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finally, dabi not only releases them, but also crumbles down, and keigo quickly holds onto his former lover. he drops both the knife and bottle in the process, where the bottle breaks on the floor. but, a quick look down, and he sees no mess. both items are back on the kitchen counter.
without needing to worry about them, keigo focuses on dabi, breathing out in relief as he hears his name.]
I'm here, Dabi.
[he responds back, rubbing soft circles over the other male's back.]
I'm right here.
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he doesn't care about the bottle, the knife. he knows it'll all just be right back to where he got it from. keigo won't be, though, and he suddenly clings to him so hard that it seems like he may never let go.
he's falling apart here. he has been for a very long time. he doesn't want keigo to fall apart too. ]
Don't ever fuckin' say that again. Don't ever.
[his arms tighten around keigo and he pulls him closer, tears flowing far too freely into his shoulder.]
You're mine, Keigo. I need you to be mine. Not his.
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the ledge he was teetering so close to feels like a mile away by just being in these arms. dabi is saving him again. constantly.
and if those warm arms wrapped around him aren't enough to remind the former hero, those words certainly do.
keigo finds himself gasping, clinging even tighter as he processes them. he can feel dabi's tears seeping into his shirt at his shoulder. he doesn't even really focus so much on that but rather the possessive words he hasn't heard in a long time.]
S..say it again. Please.
[he might be asking too much, but keigo needed to hear it again. he knows it's greedy. he just...he needs it to keep him away from that ledge.]
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when keigo clings back, he knows he has to try harder. he has to move through these broken shards in his head. he has to do something to keep keigo here with him. he'll say those words a thousand times if he has to, as long as he never hears the ones he always said as a child, coming out of keigo's mouth instead. ]
You're mine, Keigo. You're mine. Ya don't belong to anyone else but me. Please...
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immediately, he buries his face into dabi's shoulder, breath coming out shaky as he tries to will away all the pent up terror and anxiety since their initial conversation had begun.]
All yours. Only yours.
[keigo agrees immediately. he's sure he'll end up ripping dabi's shirt if he doesn't calm himself down, but he doesn't want to let go of this moment. he doesn't want to let go of dabi either.]
I'll only be yours.
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even in death. there are just so many more obstacles to climb. but he needs keigo to know. he's worth more than that. he's more than just what that monster has put on him. he just doesn't know how to show it. he doesn't even know how to say it.
this is the only way he knows how.
he holds keigo just as tightly, and maybe now they can finally be one. he'll do anything to keep endeavor away from keigo. keigo is his. ]
We gotta figure out a way we can be sure'a that. Ya can't just go back there and let him... I won't fuckin' let that happen.
[he knows it's a stupid thing to say because he's dead, and he can't go back there with keigo, but they'll figure something out. they have to. he doesn't pull back, not until he absolutely has to look at keigo again.]
M'sorry. Sorry. This place makes me fuckin' crazy.
[ it isn't the place that makes him feel crazy, though- it's always been endeavor.]
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it's truly unfair to be forced to go back to his hell when he has heaven right there, holding him tightly. he wants dabi to never let him go. he belonged to dabi. not endeavor.
not trusting his voice to speak for a few seconds, keigo nods his head. he tries to come up with a solution. it was up to him to stop endeavor while dabi was here. he can't trust prison to keep the man. besides, the hero commission would gladly keep the number one in the spotlight, no matter what keigo did.]
I don't want to go back.
[he admits truthfully and softly. with dabi not pulling back, keigo doesn't either. to be close like this keeps his mind and emotions calmed. he doesn't drown in dark thoughts. all he sees and feels is dabi.]
It's okay. I'm sorry too. I won't ever say that again.
[he apologizes, coming to comb a hand through dabi's hair.]
...you're mine too, right?
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Dabi knows he'll still get mad about this. he'll lash out and fall into a hole more than once. he knows he has to get over it but that's easier said than done. he just hopes Keigo understands.
there are times it might get even darker like tonight... but like always, Keigo is able to pull him out of it. maybe one day Dabi can be that for Keigo too, but right now he's just too messed up in his head.]
Don't want you to go back either. This'll be the last time, ok? We'll figure somethin' out.
[they need to talk about it. they can't ignore this any longer. maybe if they come up with a plan this won't seem so desperately painful.]
It ain't all you're good for, Keigo. You better fuckin' know that, alright? He doesn't fuckin know you. I do.
[More than anyone, he hopes.]
I'm yours. I'll always be yours.
[which is why he wanted to talk to Keigo about what he's been doing here, but they got so off track. maybe Keigo doesn't need to hear it though. maybe it doesn't matter anymore.]
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he's not sure if his own trauma would surface or if he that earlier fear would shine bright in his eyes again. but he also would rather be here for dabi than think about that. he wants so much to remain in these arms and, for once, it's all real here, the way it should have been.]
Okay.
[keigo agrees in a small voice. the last time, dabi says. keigo can handle that. he can do it. how they do it is still lost to the former hero. he wishes the answer was clear and simple, of what steps he had to take in order to get him back to dabi without endeavor ever showing up in their lives again.
his head on dabi's shoulder does lift up a bit to bury into the other male's neck when those following words come. he nods again, tears wetting his eyes.]
No one knows me like you do.
[it's the truth. he's never opened himself up quite like he did with dabi, despite the lies and betrayal. he had been honest with his love and intimacy. with endeavor, keigo had shut down and never gave an ounce of adoration or affection, and, maybe pitifully, he had believed the man to his words.
but, he has dabi here, reminding keigo of his worth.
he can only cling tighter though, hearing dabi agree that he belonged to the former hero. he sure that would please his jealous streak, but it's only the two of them here. it makes him feel at peace to hear such words though.]
I have...I have something for you. In the weeks, or months, or years, whenever you're ready, there's something special I want to give you.
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maybe keigo will be able to find some peace too.
they're going to talk about how to fix this once they've calmed down enough to be able to pull away from each other. if they still need to cling, so be it. they've never let themselves do this before. not like this. ]
We ain't gonna let him win. No fuckin' way. We just gotta be smart about it.
[keigo clings to him and dabi lets him. he moves his arms tight around him again just like before. he wishes he could bury his hands in keigo's wings, but that's just another part of them that he ruined and for what? there's that guilt again, bubbling up alongside everything. keigo is his and he's keigo's, and yet they've both hurt each other so much.
he pulls back finally when keigo says he has something for him. something special. he can't imagine what it could be and maybe he doesn't deserve it.]
That mean you're not gonna tell me what it is?
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