[ he's trying to stay as detached as possible while he talks about this, but it's never been easy for him to stay detached when it came to anything involving his father. when he was younger he used to disassociate. he'd have to in order to keep from going crazy, but maybe that didn't work out so well for him in the end.
maybe he went crazy anyway.
he can practically feel it when keigo makes those connections. as much as dabi pulls into himself, he can still sense the shift, and as much as he doesn't want to look at keigo right now, he can't help but glance up at him when he says it's not his fault.
his eyes are doubtful and sad, and the crack in keigo's voice tells him he's very much to blame, even if his words say otherwise.]
I...
[he starts, but he can't say the rest of it. he should have known what his father had wanted, and in the end, keigo was hurt because of him. because his father knew somehow that they had been together and took advantage of that as much as he could.
dabi had no idea how much until keigo goes on about the rest of it, and what he hears is devastating. it makes him sick to his core, and the more keigo tells him, the more his head starts spinning. to hear all those things again- the disgusting things his father used to say to him or make dabi call him while he was raped, it makes him want to vomit. it's that last part that breaks him the most though. the way he made keigo scream for him and beg for him to save him, but he was dead. this is everyone's number one hero.
dabi just stares at his knees, tears running down his face. ]
He fuckin' hurt you cause'a me. All'a those things he used to call me. He did to you... because'a me. How'd he find out? How'd he even know we had a...
[he doesn't know what to call it. but that part isn't even important right now. he drops his head into his hands, grabbing a fist full of hair.]
I was gonna kill him. That's all I wanted to fucking do! I was gonna kill him and ya fuckin' told him everything instead! And then you told me it was fuckin' worth it. For what? For this?!
[coming to admit everything in detail hurts, makes it so impossible to breathe. he wants to completely forget his torture, to soothe dabi through his. he wants to pick up these broken pieces of their lives and fix it all.
keigo finds himself shaking his head, unsure how endeavor ever discovered the relationship between him and dabi. he’s not sure how his handlers knew of it either. there’s someone who definitely had watched them, even though keigo generally kept an eye out for nosy voyeurs.
it was more than watching them once or twice too. both the hero commission and endeavor knew to exploit dabi to get keigo to kneel.
they had to have even known keigo would run away if dabi had agreed to it. why else would they have made that deal to the former hero before?
keigo snaps from his thoughts quickly to see dabi bury his head and tug at his own hair. it’s the angry words that still him though, with the darker parts of his mind that agree immediately with the other male.
you deserved it. you created this. it’s all your fault.
he tries to argue with himself, that he didn’t know or understand the extent of what endeavor was capable of, that he trusted his own handlers to keep their promise about not killing dabi or harming his mother. but his inner thoughts don’t let up, shattering his resolve to fix what he broke.
he was useless.
the hand that previously held dabi’s ankle releases, laying limp at his side.]
...You’re right.
[he says it softly.]
I can’t go back in time and stop myself. But I can hold off Endeavor right now until an opportunity arises to end him.
[ they weren't careful enough and keigo was so damn confident that no one was watching them. dabi was too, because at first he figured they were letting it happen. that keigo was a spy. he ended up being just as much one as dabi thought he was, before he let his guard down.
in the end, falling for keigo upended everything. maybe that's why he died. he was never going to get to endeavor if they had already known everything, even before keigo betrayed them. he can't believe that to be the truth. he would have known if someone had been onto them. when keigo came to the PLF, they even had that quirk user check him for bugs.
there's no way they could have known before keigo had said anything.
dabi blames himself for everything that happened to keigo, but he blames keigo for not letting him do what needed to be done at the time. he's angry at the other man, but mostly at himself. it's too much of a back and forth in his head, and it's making him spiral downward. that wasn't even everything he wanted to talk to keigo about, but now there's just this. ]
No!
[he yells, lifting his head to look at keigo.]
I don't want him fuckin' near you! I don't want him touching you again!
[but there's not a damn thing he can do because he's dead, and everything that's happening to keigo now is because of his father wanting to take back what he feels belongs to him. he definitely wasn't ready to hear all of this yet and everything feels like it's just unraveling in his head. ]
[keigo is spiraling down himself, so quick to give into the inner demons that nag him constantly in reality. they weren't wrong though. he had betrayed dabi, had lost the one and only person he ever fell in love with. had lost his wings. and his betrayal lead to the torturous life he lives now.
it's sanctuary here, within this simulated reality. to get to live again. to touch and feel what he lost. it wasn't reality. but it had everything keigo could ever want.
only good for one thing now.
that's right. he can do that much while they worked together on a plan. but endeavor has to know he's aware that dabi was alive now. if he returns that evening, the man would know that he knew. endeavor would expect him to react.
keigo can't even meet dabi's gaze, body and mind already preparing for the inevitable hot and heavy hands and filthy words. he's terrified again, tries to desperately recall the soft gestures from earlier-
you don't deserve that.]
We don't..have a lot of choices.
[his voice cracks. when he realizes his eyes are wet again, keigo finally moves his limp hand to try and rub his eyes dry.]
I don't give a shit. He ain't gonna fuckin' ruin you anymore because'a me!
[ endeavor would only know keigo knew he was alive if he knew he came back here. he has no idea what's going on it that real world though, or what keigo is letting on. he has no idea why keigo came back here in the first place.
he can't do this right now, not like this. keigo has unearthed too much trauma, too many words that he was so used to hearing, that he thought he put behind him.
when keigo says those final words, the ones dabi had heard more than anything in his life, all while he was being abused, he loses it. his eyes go wide and he scrambles off the bed, his chest tightening so hard that he can't breathe.
it's almost like his biggest nightmare is right back here facing him again in the form of keigo. he can't do this. ]
No... no. Don't you dare fucking.... no. No.
[he shakes his head and he can't stop. he needs to get out of here. he feels his skin tightening and burning and he wants to rip it off all over again.]
I can't... I can't fuckin' do this. I can't listen to this bullshit! Why are you doing this to me?!
[he's out of the bedroom in a flash, going for the kitchen. he grabs a bottle and goes through his kitchen drawers, grabbing a knife.]
[keigo initially flinches when dabi first shouts. they have such limited choices though. the clock was ticking, and, oh, keigo wanted to just kill himself in reality and be back here again. but endeavor would follow them, no doubt. this was his retirement plan.
and without death, the madman would continue to torture dabi and himself.
golden eyes finally do snap up when the former villain scrambles off the bed. it's hard to not be terrified here, scared of losing dabi now because he's completely worthless himself. his golden eyes show the fear there, and he grips the bed covers, not even sure how to answer as he watches dabi spiral out of control.
before he can try to even think though, the other male is out the door in a rush.
he's running away from you again.
he quickly follows though, not sure what else to do. he's run away before, gave dabi his space, but the cycle only continues. in the kitchen, he sees his former lover with a bottle and knife, and he's not sure why both, but he doesn't spend much thought processing it. he reacts on instinct instead, grabbing dabi by the upper arm to turn and shove the other male against the kitchen counter. one hand immediately wraps around the blade of the knife, holding it tightly, while he uses his other to take dabi's wrist to the hand that holds the bottle.]
D...don't.
[he breathes out heavy, shoulders trembling. he's never been scared of dabi before, but right then, he was. both of, and for. it didn't matter that immortality was the key component of this world. keigo couldn't bare to witness pain, torture, or death of any sort.]
[ it isn't the first shout and it definitely won't be the last. dabi doesn't want to deal with endeavor in this place too, but he's going to follow him forever... through keigo. he can't stand it.
dabi is about to go on a very destructive bender just to rid himself of this feeling, this fear, this panic that wells up inside of him when he thinks of what his father has done, and what he'd gotten keigo to say. he doesn't want to hear those words. he can't. he's done so much to get away from it, but it's right here again.
he doesn't even hear keigo until he's right there next to him, grabbing his arm and shoving him into the counter. his eyes are still wide and wild, and he wants to pull flames from inside himself to burn- but he can't. he wants to yank himself away from keigo, but he doesn't. ]
I don't wanna do this anymore! He's in my head, he's inside'a me, he's in you! He's fuckin' everywhere, I can't get rid'a him! Just stop! Just... please, stop.
[he breaks down in tears, hands slumping in keigo's hold.]
[being this close to dabi should come with some form of consent, but keigo had to stop the other male before he hurt himself or the prior hero. he's not sure what dabi is trying to do either. and he's scared of not knowing too.
he tries to steady his breath while listening to the broken words. it crushes his heart to hear them, to hear the tears that form. he can feel the hands slumping too, but it's not enough.]
Let them go.
[he says quietly, terrified eyes trying to plead with the other male.
honestly, he's a bit lost of what to do or say to help dabi. keigo isn't sure how to fix this. it's like he's keeping dabi from leaping over a cliff while his own inner demons demand he jump off himself.
the only thing he knows for certain is that he has to keep endeavor away from dabi, no matter what. he's the one alive here. and dabi is so broken. unless they have a plan, he'll need to try every trick and ploy to keep them separated. as terrifying as that was. but he has to protect dabi.
he won't bring it up anymore, though. he'll stop voicing endeavor all together, like dabi needs. keigo doesn't want to break the other male further.]
[ dabi isn't sure what he wants to do either, he's just trying anything to make this stop. this isn't how he wanted this to go at all, but it snowballed into this mess, and he's still too close to all the trauma for him to even think about stopping.
the thing about san junipero is, there's all this heavenly shit, but there's the intensity of emotions too. when he found out about it, dabi thought that maybe all the pain controls were off, but somehow they're more intense than ever now. or maybe it's just because he's letting himself feel things he never felt before.
maybe it's because he feels things for keigo he never let himself feel before, and the fact that his father twisted it all so horribly feels devastating to him.
but it's keigo he wants still, and the way his former lover looks at him now makes him stop. he lets go, then crumbles into his arms, head falling against his shoulder. ]
[keigo can't see into dabi's mind. he can't understand or know what is ticking. what does he say? what does he do? he knows he needs to get those things out of dabi's hands first though. one step at a time, he tells himself.
finally, dabi not only releases them, but also crumbles down, and keigo quickly holds onto his former lover. he drops both the knife and bottle in the process, where the bottle breaks on the floor. but, a quick look down, and he sees no mess. both items are back on the kitchen counter.
without needing to worry about them, keigo focuses on dabi, breathing out in relief as he hears his name.]
I'm here, Dabi.
[he responds back, rubbing soft circles over the other male's back.]
[ he wishes keigo could see into his mind. maybe that would make all of this easier. but easy was never a thing between the two of them, even when they tried for it so hard. even in death, all of it is more complicated than it ever was.
he doesn't care about the bottle, the knife. he knows it'll all just be right back to where he got it from. keigo won't be, though, and he suddenly clings to him so hard that it seems like he may never let go.
he's falling apart here. he has been for a very long time. he doesn't want keigo to fall apart too. ]
Don't ever fuckin' say that again. Don't ever.
[his arms tighten around keigo and he pulls him closer, tears flowing far too freely into his shoulder.]
You're mine, Keigo. I need you to be mine. Not his.
[suddenly, it's like the breath is stolen right out of him as dabi tightens his arms around him. instinctively, he grips hard to the former villain's shirt, terrified to let go now. he doesn't know how much time they have left, and he doesn't want to leave this.
the ledge he was teetering so close to feels like a mile away by just being in these arms. dabi is saving him again. constantly.
and if those warm arms wrapped around him aren't enough to remind the former hero, those words certainly do.
keigo finds himself gasping, clinging even tighter as he processes them. he can feel dabi's tears seeping into his shirt at his shoulder. he doesn't even really focus so much on that but rather the possessive words he hasn't heard in a long time.]
S..say it again. Please.
[he might be asking too much, but keigo needed to hear it again. he knows it's greedy. he just...he needs it to keep him away from that ledge.]
[ dabi doesn't know what to do with all of this whiplash. it's too much, but now in keigo's arms it's not even close to being enough at all.
when keigo clings back, he knows he has to try harder. he has to move through these broken shards in his head. he has to do something to keep keigo here with him. he'll say those words a thousand times if he has to, as long as he never hears the ones he always said as a child, coming out of keigo's mouth instead. ]
You're mine, Keigo. You're mine. Ya don't belong to anyone else but me. Please...
[keigo hiccups hearing those words again. to be wanted once more. he desperately holds these words close to his heart and mind, pushes back the inner demons to be locked back up all over again.
immediately, he buries his face into dabi's shoulder, breath coming out shaky as he tries to will away all the pent up terror and anxiety since their initial conversation had begun.]
All yours. Only yours.
[keigo agrees immediately. he's sure he'll end up ripping dabi's shirt if he doesn't calm himself down, but he doesn't want to let go of this moment. he doesn't want to let go of dabi either.]
[ in the end that's what he had wanted. he was so scared of it, but he knew deep down he wanted keigo to stay with him when he was alive.
even in death. there are just so many more obstacles to climb. but he needs keigo to know. he's worth more than that. he's more than just what that monster has put on him. he just doesn't know how to show it. he doesn't even know how to say it.
this is the only way he knows how.
he holds keigo just as tightly, and maybe now they can finally be one. he'll do anything to keep endeavor away from keigo. keigo is his. ]
We gotta figure out a way we can be sure'a that. Ya can't just go back there and let him... I won't fuckin' let that happen.
[he knows it's a stupid thing to say because he's dead, and he can't go back there with keigo, but they'll figure something out. they have to. he doesn't pull back, not until he absolutely has to look at keigo again.]
M'sorry. Sorry. This place makes me fuckin' crazy.
[ it isn't the place that makes him feel crazy, though- it's always been endeavor.]
[this close, keigo can breathe and drown himself in dabi's scent. it only reminds him how real this is. dabi was right there, holding him tightly. it's not just a figment of his imagination.
it's truly unfair to be forced to go back to his hell when he has heaven right there, holding him tightly. he wants dabi to never let him go. he belonged to dabi. not endeavor.
not trusting his voice to speak for a few seconds, keigo nods his head. he tries to come up with a solution. it was up to him to stop endeavor while dabi was here. he can't trust prison to keep the man. besides, the hero commission would gladly keep the number one in the spotlight, no matter what keigo did.]
I don't want to go back.
[he admits truthfully and softly. with dabi not pulling back, keigo doesn't either. to be close like this keeps his mind and emotions calmed. he doesn't drown in dark thoughts. all he sees and feels is dabi.]
It's okay. I'm sorry too. I won't ever say that again.
[he apologizes, coming to comb a hand through dabi's hair.]
[this whole thing feels like a nightmare, but maybe it doesn't have to end that way. they have each other, even if it's only for bits of time for now. if Keigo wants to, he can join Dabi here for even longer than that. they just have to figure out how to get rid of endeavor.
Dabi knows he'll still get mad about this. he'll lash out and fall into a hole more than once. he knows he has to get over it but that's easier said than done. he just hopes Keigo understands.
there are times it might get even darker like tonight... but like always, Keigo is able to pull him out of it. maybe one day Dabi can be that for Keigo too, but right now he's just too messed up in his head.]
Don't want you to go back either. This'll be the last time, ok? We'll figure somethin' out.
[they need to talk about it. they can't ignore this any longer. maybe if they come up with a plan this won't seem so desperately painful.]
It ain't all you're good for, Keigo. You better fuckin' know that, alright? He doesn't fuckin know you. I do.
[More than anyone, he hopes.]
I'm yours. I'll always be yours.
[which is why he wanted to talk to Keigo about what he's been doing here, but they got so off track. maybe Keigo doesn't need to hear it though. maybe it doesn't matter anymore.]
[dabi's anger would return. keigo is aware of that. it may never even go away. he may also see dabi in that previous state of hurt too. keigo accepts he would have to do his best to help dabi through it, to try and handle he anger that would come his way. if he wants to be with dabi, it's these sort of things he has to be willing to handle.
he's not sure if his own trauma would surface or if he that earlier fear would shine bright in his eyes again. but he also would rather be here for dabi than think about that. he wants so much to remain in these arms and, for once, it's all real here, the way it should have been.]
Okay.
[keigo agrees in a small voice. the last time, dabi says. keigo can handle that. he can do it. how they do it is still lost to the former hero. he wishes the answer was clear and simple, of what steps he had to take in order to get him back to dabi without endeavor ever showing up in their lives again.
his head on dabi's shoulder does lift up a bit to bury into the other male's neck when those following words come. he nods again, tears wetting his eyes.]
No one knows me like you do.
[it's the truth. he's never opened himself up quite like he did with dabi, despite the lies and betrayal. he had been honest with his love and intimacy. with endeavor, keigo had shut down and never gave an ounce of adoration or affection, and, maybe pitifully, he had believed the man to his words.
but, he has dabi here, reminding keigo of his worth.
he can only cling tighter though, hearing dabi agree that he belonged to the former hero. he sure that would please his jealous streak, but it's only the two of them here. it makes him feel at peace to hear such words though.]
I have...I have something for you. In the weeks, or months, or years, whenever you're ready, there's something special I want to give you.
[ if they were back in the real world maybe dabi would be able to get help for his anger, his trauma, his pain. or maybe he wouldn't have ever agreed to any of that unless he was forced to do so. but here there's no hope of it, and while that's not fair to put on keigo, he really is the only way dabi can find peace with any of this.
maybe keigo will be able to find some peace too.
they're going to talk about how to fix this once they've calmed down enough to be able to pull away from each other. if they still need to cling, so be it. they've never let themselves do this before. not like this. ]
We ain't gonna let him win. No fuckin' way. We just gotta be smart about it.
[keigo clings to him and dabi lets him. he moves his arms tight around him again just like before. he wishes he could bury his hands in keigo's wings, but that's just another part of them that he ruined and for what? there's that guilt again, bubbling up alongside everything. keigo is his and he's keigo's, and yet they've both hurt each other so much.
he pulls back finally when keigo says he has something for him. something special. he can't imagine what it could be and maybe he doesn't deserve it.]
[maybe there's a form of therapy they can both look into while they reside in san junipero. once everything is over, keigo might look further into it. they had so much trauma together, and could benefit by receiving help for it.
for now though, he'll be that help that dabi needs. if his former lover wants to discuss anything on his mind, tell keigo his darkest nightmares, he'll be there to listen and hold dabi's hand. he'll always bring there to bring dabi back from whatever dark thoughts he has.]
Yeah. We'll..we'll be able to come up with something. I know we will.
[as soon as he can clear his thoughts a little bit more. his emotions still were running high, and he was holding dabi so tightly and close. he didn't want to pull away from this. not yet.
he's glad to feel those arms around him too. it gives him comfort that they'll be able to fix this. they just needed one good and solid plan.
dabi pulls back eventually though, but keigo doesn't mind. he keeps his hands gripping onto his former lover's shirt, looking up to stare at those mesmerizing blue eyes. he doesn't see or think of endeavor when he looks into these intense irises. all he sees is dabi. and that gives the former hero comfort.]
I don't mind telling you.
[he just...wasn't sure if this was the right time for it. not after such emotions that stirred both of them up.]
My first time with, um..sex, it wasn't special. The Hero Commissioners sold me to some politician. They wanted to utilize sex as a weapon. Well, they're not here, and when I created this body, there was a function to sort of...rejuvenate or have this body forget what my real body knows. So like, gag reflexes and inside of me, it's untouched.
[the more he explains, the hotter his face gets. he's starting to dodge those eyes he loves so much, looking at where he grips dabi's shirt instead.]
I mean, I know my mind knows what to do, but technically, this body is inexperienced. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, when you're ready, I want you to take my virginity here. And only you can touch.
[ maybe san junipero does have therapy, but it would be hard to get dabi to go. if he hadn't died in the real world, maybe he would have been caught instead and forced into therapy. he would have fought it tooth and nail, but eventually he would have had to do it.
with keigo at his side, maybe he could have been talked into it a little easier. so maybe he would be here as well. ]
We gotta sit down and think this through.
[dabi thinks maybe he's ready to sit down with this. they have to come up with a plan before midnight.]
Only if ya wanna tell me.
[dabi says quietly, but with everything that's happened between them, wondering about it would probably make him anxious so he's glad keigo does decide to explain.
it's definitely not what he was expecting, and his eyes go a little wide. it's hard hearing about what the hero commission did to him. these disgusting men all parading around as heroes. it makes him sick, but he tries not to focus on that part at all. he tries to focus on the rest of it, which is pretty amazing in a way. ]
Didn't know you could even do that.
[he supposes he couldn't have, because he woke up here having been put inside san junipero by his family. he's here with whatever they wanted him to have, and he seriously doubts that disgusting monster of a father would want his body rejuvenated here, even without the scars. his father would want him to remember his first time very well.
the first time he and keigo had sex, it wasn't special at the time either. it was a quick and dirty fuck against the window at one of their meet ups... but damn, it came to mean a lot over time. ]
That's...
[he searches keigo's face, and again he's reminded of the thing he wanted to tell keigo earlier that he never got to say. he hesitates, then looks down, lifting his hands to keigo's wrists, just loosely holding on to them.]
I dunno if I deserve that, Keigo. I've... I've done a lotta shit since I got here. I was hurting, ya know? I was fallin' apart and everythin' my dad always said... all that shit you were sayin' before...
[his face falls again, because it seems endless. all of this pain and hurt and trauma is endless for both of them, it seems.]
I'd go out to the Quagmire and let people fuck me. Eventually I let em use me and hurt me like he used to. I dunno why, it just felt like that's what I deserved. Like I couldn't get out of my head unless they were hurtin' me.
Then I'd come back here and fall into bed and cry... and wished I could just curl up with you here in your arms. I think that's when this place started lookin' more and more like your place.
[he glances up at keigo, looking ashamed.]
Feels kinda fucked up of me to take your virginity here.
[it’s a little embarrassing coming to admit all of this. but keigo needed to tell dabi. he’s known for awhile how special sex can be, given how many times he enjoyed it with dabi. it’s been special. the type of special he should have had for his first time.
even their first time against that dirty window left a strong impression on keigo. dabi made him feel things that keigo never expected. he wanted to be selfish here, if dabi would let him.
keigo listens quietly as dabi starts to respond, and for a brief second, he assumes his former lover was going to be irritated or annoyed. but, it’s not like that at all. of course, he looks curiously back up to search dabi’s eyes and try to understand the type of shit the other male got himself into.
it comes to hurt in a way that dabi admits to seeking out people to fuck with. no. to fuck him. the jealous part of him immediately comes to mind, but keigo forces it back. he had no room to expect dabi to not seek out pleasure after the crap he pulled. dabi could have fucked the entire city and keigo would still need to suck it up. besides, he had seen dabi getting pleasure the one time, so a part of him knew.
eventually he calms his jealousy down because he also realizes then that dabi wasn’t messing around for pleasure. and it pulls at keigo’s heart to realize that. even without endeavor here, dabi had been hurting from that man.
golden eyes look sadly up to his former lover, with one hand coming to cup dabi’s cheek softly. he hurts so much to not being here to hold dabi at night. but that would all change soon. he would soon be here full time to give dabi all of him.]
You deserve it. I want you to have it.
[just another form of showing his affections to this man. he wants to give dabi everything.]
You deserve so much, and I want to give you it all. You don’t need to be hurt like that. And very soon, I’ll be here to curl with you in bed at night. I’m yours and you’re mine. So, take my virginity for yourself. I’m yours.
[ dabi only ever thought it was special when it came to keigo. it was the only time he had enjoyed himself as well. he knew they'd both had fucked up situations when it came to sex, and that maybe the very first time they found something good in it was with each other.
but here, dabi fell into even more darkness, and he didn't think he'd ever get out. didn't think it mattered. hell, he knows he even taunted keigo with it when he first got here, but that's cause he wanted to make the other man jealous. he wanted a fiery reaction and he got one.
none of the rest of it was for pleasure though, and dabi more than made sure of that. it's as if he wanted that stark contrast to everything he and keigo had, because he thought he'd never get it back.
but now?
now keigo looks at him despite everything he's just said, and it's not with disgust or anger. it calms something inside of him that has been aching for far too long. ]
Then I want it. When I'm ready, I want it. I want you to be mine. Every single part'a you.
[when that ring comes off of keigo's finger, because he can't stand looking at it. it makes him feel sick to his stomach. he wants keigo to be his.]
[it didn't matter to keigo what dabi sought out in terms of intimacy. he had no standing there, after what he had done to his former lover. but, he hopes now that dabi won't try to find a bed mate to warm himself up or hurt himself with. he wanted to be the only one who touched the other male.
even if it took years upon years to earn that right back.
warmth hits keigo's chest and a small smile takes to his lips with the response he's given. he eagerly nods his head, glad to save himself for dabi. he wanted this body to only know dabi, and no one else.]
It'll all be yours when you're ready.
[keigo breathes out in relief before he finally pulls back from dabi's body. they had so much to think and do now though, before he can work on earning dabi's forgiveness. while he doesn't want to ruin the good mood between them, time was ticking close to midnight. they needed to come up with a plan.
and, something does come to mind...]
I think...I know how to keep Endeavor preoccupied. Without sex. The problem is putting an end to him and getting back here before I'm caught. I can hide his body and quickly sign over my life rights and come here before anyone realizes it.
[ dabi doesn't want anyone else. not after this. all of what he had been chasing after here were just replacements for keigo that could never even compare. even with blonde hair and pretty eyes, they couldn't even come close to what he sees in front of him now.
maybe dabi needs some time, but he knows he won't go fuck around out there anymore as long as he knows keigo will come back. he doesn't have to be this empty shell trying to fuck something into himself ever again. ]
Not it, Keigo. You. I don't just want your body or this thing you're offering me. I want you.
[as much as keigo is his, he's not property. it's something they're both going to have to learn. he squeezes keigo's wrists before he lets go. they really do need to figure this out right now.]
Let's figure out the details. I'm good at details. Let's go sit.
[he can think about this much more clearly now, hopefully. he has something to look forward now. a goal. a reason to make things work. he pushes away from the counter, sliding a hand to the small of keigo's back to lead him to the couch where they can talk.]
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maybe he went crazy anyway.
he can practically feel it when keigo makes those connections. as much as dabi pulls into himself, he can still sense the shift, and as much as he doesn't want to look at keigo right now, he can't help but glance up at him when he says it's not his fault.
his eyes are doubtful and sad, and the crack in keigo's voice tells him he's very much to blame, even if his words say otherwise.]
I...
[he starts, but he can't say the rest of it. he should have known what his father had wanted, and in the end, keigo was hurt because of him. because his father knew somehow that they had been together and took advantage of that as much as he could.
dabi had no idea how much until keigo goes on about the rest of it, and what he hears is devastating. it makes him sick to his core, and the more keigo tells him, the more his head starts spinning. to hear all those things again- the disgusting things his father used to say to him or make dabi call him while he was raped, it makes him want to vomit. it's that last part that breaks him the most though. the way he made keigo scream for him and beg for him to save him, but he was dead. this is everyone's number one hero.
dabi just stares at his knees, tears running down his face. ]
He fuckin' hurt you cause'a me. All'a those things he used to call me. He did to you... because'a me. How'd he find out? How'd he even know we had a...
[he doesn't know what to call it. but that part isn't even important right now. he drops his head into his hands, grabbing a fist full of hair.]
I was gonna kill him. That's all I wanted to fucking do! I was gonna kill him and ya fuckin' told him everything instead! And then you told me it was fuckin' worth it. For what? For this?!
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keigo finds himself shaking his head, unsure how endeavor ever discovered the relationship between him and dabi. he’s not sure how his handlers knew of it either. there’s someone who definitely had watched them, even though keigo generally kept an eye out for nosy voyeurs.
it was more than watching them once or twice too. both the hero commission and endeavor knew to exploit dabi to get keigo to kneel.
they had to have even known keigo would run away if dabi had agreed to it. why else would they have made that deal to the former hero before?
keigo snaps from his thoughts quickly to see dabi bury his head and tug at his own hair. it’s the angry words that still him though, with the darker parts of his mind that agree immediately with the other male.
you deserved it. you created this. it’s all your fault.
he tries to argue with himself, that he didn’t know or understand the extent of what endeavor was capable of, that he trusted his own handlers to keep their promise about not killing dabi or harming his mother. but his inner thoughts don’t let up, shattering his resolve to fix what he broke.
he was useless.
the hand that previously held dabi’s ankle releases, laying limp at his side.]
...You’re right.
[he says it softly.]
I can’t go back in time and stop myself. But I can hold off Endeavor right now until an opportunity arises to end him.
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in the end, falling for keigo upended everything. maybe that's why he died. he was never going to get to endeavor if they had already known everything, even before keigo betrayed them. he can't believe that to be the truth. he would have known if someone had been onto them. when keigo came to the PLF, they even had that quirk user check him for bugs.
there's no way they could have known before keigo had said anything.
dabi blames himself for everything that happened to keigo, but he blames keigo for not letting him do what needed to be done at the time. he's angry at the other man, but mostly at himself. it's too much of a back and forth in his head, and it's making him spiral downward. that wasn't even everything he wanted to talk to keigo about, but now there's just this. ]
No!
[he yells, lifting his head to look at keigo.]
I don't want him fuckin' near you! I don't want him touching you again!
[but there's not a damn thing he can do because he's dead, and everything that's happening to keigo now is because of his father wanting to take back what he feels belongs to him. he definitely wasn't ready to hear all of this yet and everything feels like it's just unraveling in his head. ]
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it's sanctuary here, within this simulated reality. to get to live again. to touch and feel what he lost. it wasn't reality. but it had everything keigo could ever want.
only good for one thing now.
that's right. he can do that much while they worked together on a plan. but endeavor has to know he's aware that dabi was alive now. if he returns that evening, the man would know that he knew. endeavor would expect him to react.
keigo can't even meet dabi's gaze, body and mind already preparing for the inevitable hot and heavy hands and filthy words. he's terrified again, tries to desperately recall the soft gestures from earlier-
you don't deserve that.]
We don't..have a lot of choices.
[his voice cracks. when he realizes his eyes are wet again, keigo finally moves his limp hand to try and rub his eyes dry.]
...I'm only good for one thing now.
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[ endeavor would only know keigo knew he was alive if he knew he came back here. he has no idea what's going on it that real world though, or what keigo is letting on. he has no idea why keigo came back here in the first place.
he can't do this right now, not like this. keigo has unearthed too much trauma, too many words that he was so used to hearing, that he thought he put behind him.
when keigo says those final words, the ones dabi had heard more than anything in his life, all while he was being abused, he loses it. his eyes go wide and he scrambles off the bed, his chest tightening so hard that he can't breathe.
it's almost like his biggest nightmare is right back here facing him again in the form of keigo. he can't do this. ]
No... no. Don't you dare fucking.... no. No.
[he shakes his head and he can't stop. he needs to get out of here. he feels his skin tightening and burning and he wants to rip it off all over again.]
I can't... I can't fuckin' do this. I can't listen to this bullshit! Why are you doing this to me?!
[he's out of the bedroom in a flash, going for the kitchen. he grabs a bottle and goes through his kitchen drawers, grabbing a knife.]
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and without death, the madman would continue to torture dabi and himself.
golden eyes finally do snap up when the former villain scrambles off the bed. it's hard to not be terrified here, scared of losing dabi now because he's completely worthless himself. his golden eyes show the fear there, and he grips the bed covers, not even sure how to answer as he watches dabi spiral out of control.
before he can try to even think though, the other male is out the door in a rush.
he's running away from you again.
he quickly follows though, not sure what else to do. he's run away before, gave dabi his space, but the cycle only continues. in the kitchen, he sees his former lover with a bottle and knife, and he's not sure why both, but he doesn't spend much thought processing it. he reacts on instinct instead, grabbing dabi by the upper arm to turn and shove the other male against the kitchen counter. one hand immediately wraps around the blade of the knife, holding it tightly, while he uses his other to take dabi's wrist to the hand that holds the bottle.]
D...don't.
[he breathes out heavy, shoulders trembling. he's never been scared of dabi before, but right then, he was. both of, and for. it didn't matter that immortality was the key component of this world. keigo couldn't bare to witness pain, torture, or death of any sort.]
Please.
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dabi is about to go on a very destructive bender just to rid himself of this feeling, this fear, this panic that wells up inside of him when he thinks of what his father has done, and what he'd gotten keigo to say. he doesn't want to hear those words. he can't. he's done so much to get away from it, but it's right here again.
he doesn't even hear keigo until he's right there next to him, grabbing his arm and shoving him into the counter. his eyes are still wide and wild, and he wants to pull flames from inside himself to burn- but he can't. he wants to yank himself away from keigo, but he doesn't. ]
I don't wanna do this anymore! He's in my head, he's inside'a me, he's in you! He's fuckin' everywhere, I can't get rid'a him! Just stop! Just... please, stop.
[he breaks down in tears, hands slumping in keigo's hold.]
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he tries to steady his breath while listening to the broken words. it crushes his heart to hear them, to hear the tears that form. he can feel the hands slumping too, but it's not enough.]
Let them go.
[he says quietly, terrified eyes trying to plead with the other male.
honestly, he's a bit lost of what to do or say to help dabi. keigo isn't sure how to fix this. it's like he's keeping dabi from leaping over a cliff while his own inner demons demand he jump off himself.
the only thing he knows for certain is that he has to keep endeavor away from dabi, no matter what. he's the one alive here. and dabi is so broken. unless they have a plan, he'll need to try every trick and ploy to keep them separated. as terrifying as that was. but he has to protect dabi.
he won't bring it up anymore, though. he'll stop voicing endeavor all together, like dabi needs. keigo doesn't want to break the other male further.]
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the thing about san junipero is, there's all this heavenly shit, but there's the intensity of emotions too. when he found out about it, dabi thought that maybe all the pain controls were off, but somehow they're more intense than ever now. or maybe it's just because he's letting himself feel things he never felt before.
maybe it's because he feels things for keigo he never let himself feel before, and the fact that his father twisted it all so horribly feels devastating to him.
but it's keigo he wants still, and the way his former lover looks at him now makes him stop. he lets go, then crumbles into his arms, head falling against his shoulder. ]
Kiego...
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finally, dabi not only releases them, but also crumbles down, and keigo quickly holds onto his former lover. he drops both the knife and bottle in the process, where the bottle breaks on the floor. but, a quick look down, and he sees no mess. both items are back on the kitchen counter.
without needing to worry about them, keigo focuses on dabi, breathing out in relief as he hears his name.]
I'm here, Dabi.
[he responds back, rubbing soft circles over the other male's back.]
I'm right here.
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he doesn't care about the bottle, the knife. he knows it'll all just be right back to where he got it from. keigo won't be, though, and he suddenly clings to him so hard that it seems like he may never let go.
he's falling apart here. he has been for a very long time. he doesn't want keigo to fall apart too. ]
Don't ever fuckin' say that again. Don't ever.
[his arms tighten around keigo and he pulls him closer, tears flowing far too freely into his shoulder.]
You're mine, Keigo. I need you to be mine. Not his.
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the ledge he was teetering so close to feels like a mile away by just being in these arms. dabi is saving him again. constantly.
and if those warm arms wrapped around him aren't enough to remind the former hero, those words certainly do.
keigo finds himself gasping, clinging even tighter as he processes them. he can feel dabi's tears seeping into his shirt at his shoulder. he doesn't even really focus so much on that but rather the possessive words he hasn't heard in a long time.]
S..say it again. Please.
[he might be asking too much, but keigo needed to hear it again. he knows it's greedy. he just...he needs it to keep him away from that ledge.]
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when keigo clings back, he knows he has to try harder. he has to move through these broken shards in his head. he has to do something to keep keigo here with him. he'll say those words a thousand times if he has to, as long as he never hears the ones he always said as a child, coming out of keigo's mouth instead. ]
You're mine, Keigo. You're mine. Ya don't belong to anyone else but me. Please...
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immediately, he buries his face into dabi's shoulder, breath coming out shaky as he tries to will away all the pent up terror and anxiety since their initial conversation had begun.]
All yours. Only yours.
[keigo agrees immediately. he's sure he'll end up ripping dabi's shirt if he doesn't calm himself down, but he doesn't want to let go of this moment. he doesn't want to let go of dabi either.]
I'll only be yours.
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even in death. there are just so many more obstacles to climb. but he needs keigo to know. he's worth more than that. he's more than just what that monster has put on him. he just doesn't know how to show it. he doesn't even know how to say it.
this is the only way he knows how.
he holds keigo just as tightly, and maybe now they can finally be one. he'll do anything to keep endeavor away from keigo. keigo is his. ]
We gotta figure out a way we can be sure'a that. Ya can't just go back there and let him... I won't fuckin' let that happen.
[he knows it's a stupid thing to say because he's dead, and he can't go back there with keigo, but they'll figure something out. they have to. he doesn't pull back, not until he absolutely has to look at keigo again.]
M'sorry. Sorry. This place makes me fuckin' crazy.
[ it isn't the place that makes him feel crazy, though- it's always been endeavor.]
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it's truly unfair to be forced to go back to his hell when he has heaven right there, holding him tightly. he wants dabi to never let him go. he belonged to dabi. not endeavor.
not trusting his voice to speak for a few seconds, keigo nods his head. he tries to come up with a solution. it was up to him to stop endeavor while dabi was here. he can't trust prison to keep the man. besides, the hero commission would gladly keep the number one in the spotlight, no matter what keigo did.]
I don't want to go back.
[he admits truthfully and softly. with dabi not pulling back, keigo doesn't either. to be close like this keeps his mind and emotions calmed. he doesn't drown in dark thoughts. all he sees and feels is dabi.]
It's okay. I'm sorry too. I won't ever say that again.
[he apologizes, coming to comb a hand through dabi's hair.]
...you're mine too, right?
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Dabi knows he'll still get mad about this. he'll lash out and fall into a hole more than once. he knows he has to get over it but that's easier said than done. he just hopes Keigo understands.
there are times it might get even darker like tonight... but like always, Keigo is able to pull him out of it. maybe one day Dabi can be that for Keigo too, but right now he's just too messed up in his head.]
Don't want you to go back either. This'll be the last time, ok? We'll figure somethin' out.
[they need to talk about it. they can't ignore this any longer. maybe if they come up with a plan this won't seem so desperately painful.]
It ain't all you're good for, Keigo. You better fuckin' know that, alright? He doesn't fuckin know you. I do.
[More than anyone, he hopes.]
I'm yours. I'll always be yours.
[which is why he wanted to talk to Keigo about what he's been doing here, but they got so off track. maybe Keigo doesn't need to hear it though. maybe it doesn't matter anymore.]
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he's not sure if his own trauma would surface or if he that earlier fear would shine bright in his eyes again. but he also would rather be here for dabi than think about that. he wants so much to remain in these arms and, for once, it's all real here, the way it should have been.]
Okay.
[keigo agrees in a small voice. the last time, dabi says. keigo can handle that. he can do it. how they do it is still lost to the former hero. he wishes the answer was clear and simple, of what steps he had to take in order to get him back to dabi without endeavor ever showing up in their lives again.
his head on dabi's shoulder does lift up a bit to bury into the other male's neck when those following words come. he nods again, tears wetting his eyes.]
No one knows me like you do.
[it's the truth. he's never opened himself up quite like he did with dabi, despite the lies and betrayal. he had been honest with his love and intimacy. with endeavor, keigo had shut down and never gave an ounce of adoration or affection, and, maybe pitifully, he had believed the man to his words.
but, he has dabi here, reminding keigo of his worth.
he can only cling tighter though, hearing dabi agree that he belonged to the former hero. he sure that would please his jealous streak, but it's only the two of them here. it makes him feel at peace to hear such words though.]
I have...I have something for you. In the weeks, or months, or years, whenever you're ready, there's something special I want to give you.
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maybe keigo will be able to find some peace too.
they're going to talk about how to fix this once they've calmed down enough to be able to pull away from each other. if they still need to cling, so be it. they've never let themselves do this before. not like this. ]
We ain't gonna let him win. No fuckin' way. We just gotta be smart about it.
[keigo clings to him and dabi lets him. he moves his arms tight around him again just like before. he wishes he could bury his hands in keigo's wings, but that's just another part of them that he ruined and for what? there's that guilt again, bubbling up alongside everything. keigo is his and he's keigo's, and yet they've both hurt each other so much.
he pulls back finally when keigo says he has something for him. something special. he can't imagine what it could be and maybe he doesn't deserve it.]
That mean you're not gonna tell me what it is?
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for now though, he'll be that help that dabi needs. if his former lover wants to discuss anything on his mind, tell keigo his darkest nightmares, he'll be there to listen and hold dabi's hand. he'll always bring there to bring dabi back from whatever dark thoughts he has.]
Yeah. We'll..we'll be able to come up with something. I know we will.
[as soon as he can clear his thoughts a little bit more. his emotions still were running high, and he was holding dabi so tightly and close. he didn't want to pull away from this. not yet.
he's glad to feel those arms around him too. it gives him comfort that they'll be able to fix this. they just needed one good and solid plan.
dabi pulls back eventually though, but keigo doesn't mind. he keeps his hands gripping onto his former lover's shirt, looking up to stare at those mesmerizing blue eyes. he doesn't see or think of endeavor when he looks into these intense irises. all he sees is dabi. and that gives the former hero comfort.]
I don't mind telling you.
[he just...wasn't sure if this was the right time for it. not after such emotions that stirred both of them up.]
My first time with, um..sex, it wasn't special. The Hero Commissioners sold me to some politician. They wanted to utilize sex as a weapon. Well, they're not here, and when I created this body, there was a function to sort of...rejuvenate or have this body forget what my real body knows. So like, gag reflexes and inside of me, it's untouched.
[the more he explains, the hotter his face gets. he's starting to dodge those eyes he loves so much, looking at where he grips dabi's shirt instead.]
I mean, I know my mind knows what to do, but technically, this body is inexperienced. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, when you're ready, I want you to take my virginity here. And only you can touch.
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with keigo at his side, maybe he could have been talked into it a little easier. so maybe he would be here as well. ]
We gotta sit down and think this through.
[dabi thinks maybe he's ready to sit down with this. they have to come up with a plan before midnight.]
Only if ya wanna tell me.
[dabi says quietly, but with everything that's happened between them, wondering about it would probably make him anxious so he's glad keigo does decide to explain.
it's definitely not what he was expecting, and his eyes go a little wide. it's hard hearing about what the hero commission did to him. these disgusting men all parading around as heroes. it makes him sick, but he tries not to focus on that part at all. he tries to focus on the rest of it, which is pretty amazing in a way. ]
Didn't know you could even do that.
[he supposes he couldn't have, because he woke up here having been put inside san junipero by his family. he's here with whatever they wanted him to have, and he seriously doubts that disgusting monster of a father would want his body rejuvenated here, even without the scars. his father would want him to remember his first time very well.
the first time he and keigo had sex, it wasn't special at the time either. it was a quick and dirty fuck against the window at one of their meet ups... but damn, it came to mean a lot over time. ]
That's...
[he searches keigo's face, and again he's reminded of the thing he wanted to tell keigo earlier that he never got to say. he hesitates, then looks down, lifting his hands to keigo's wrists, just loosely holding on to them.]
I dunno if I deserve that, Keigo. I've... I've done a lotta shit since I got here. I was hurting, ya know? I was fallin' apart and everythin' my dad always said... all that shit you were sayin' before...
[his face falls again, because it seems endless. all of this pain and hurt and trauma is endless for both of them, it seems.]
I'd go out to the Quagmire and let people fuck me. Eventually I let em use me and hurt me like he used to. I dunno why, it just felt like that's what I deserved. Like I couldn't get out of my head unless they were hurtin' me.
Then I'd come back here and fall into bed and cry... and wished I could just curl up with you here in your arms. I think that's when this place started lookin' more and more like your place.
[he glances up at keigo, looking ashamed.]
Feels kinda fucked up of me to take your virginity here.
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even their first time against that dirty window left a strong impression on keigo. dabi made him feel things that keigo never expected. he wanted to be selfish here, if dabi would let him.
keigo listens quietly as dabi starts to respond, and for a brief second, he assumes his former lover was going to be irritated or annoyed. but, it’s not like that at all. of course, he looks curiously back up to search dabi’s eyes and try to understand the type of shit the other male got himself into.
it comes to hurt in a way that dabi admits to seeking out people to fuck with. no. to fuck him. the jealous part of him immediately comes to mind, but keigo forces it back. he had no room to expect dabi to not seek out pleasure after the crap he pulled. dabi could have fucked the entire city and keigo would still need to suck it up. besides, he had seen dabi getting pleasure the one time, so a part of him knew.
eventually he calms his jealousy down because he also realizes then that dabi wasn’t messing around for pleasure. and it pulls at keigo’s heart to realize that. even without endeavor here, dabi had been hurting from that man.
golden eyes look sadly up to his former lover, with one hand coming to cup dabi’s cheek softly. he hurts so much to not being here to hold dabi at night. but that would all change soon. he would soon be here full time to give dabi all of him.]
You deserve it. I want you to have it.
[just another form of showing his affections to this man. he wants to give dabi everything.]
You deserve so much, and I want to give you it all. You don’t need to be hurt like that. And very soon, I’ll be here to curl with you in bed at night. I’m yours and you’re mine. So, take my virginity for yourself. I’m yours.
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but here, dabi fell into even more darkness, and he didn't think he'd ever get out. didn't think it mattered. hell, he knows he even taunted keigo with it when he first got here, but that's cause he wanted to make the other man jealous. he wanted a fiery reaction and he got one.
none of the rest of it was for pleasure though, and dabi more than made sure of that. it's as if he wanted that stark contrast to everything he and keigo had, because he thought he'd never get it back.
but now?
now keigo looks at him despite everything he's just said, and it's not with disgust or anger. it calms something inside of him that has been aching for far too long. ]
Then I want it. When I'm ready, I want it. I want you to be mine. Every single part'a you.
[when that ring comes off of keigo's finger, because he can't stand looking at it. it makes him feel sick to his stomach. he wants keigo to be his.]
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even if it took years upon years to earn that right back.
warmth hits keigo's chest and a small smile takes to his lips with the response he's given. he eagerly nods his head, glad to save himself for dabi. he wanted this body to only know dabi, and no one else.]
It'll all be yours when you're ready.
[keigo breathes out in relief before he finally pulls back from dabi's body. they had so much to think and do now though, before he can work on earning dabi's forgiveness. while he doesn't want to ruin the good mood between them, time was ticking close to midnight. they needed to come up with a plan.
and, something does come to mind...]
I think...I know how to keep Endeavor preoccupied. Without sex. The problem is putting an end to him and getting back here before I'm caught. I can hide his body and quickly sign over my life rights and come here before anyone realizes it.
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maybe dabi needs some time, but he knows he won't go fuck around out there anymore as long as he knows keigo will come back. he doesn't have to be this empty shell trying to fuck something into himself ever again. ]
Not it, Keigo. You. I don't just want your body or this thing you're offering me. I want you.
[as much as keigo is his, he's not property. it's something they're both going to have to learn. he squeezes keigo's wrists before he lets go. they really do need to figure this out right now.]
Let's figure out the details. I'm good at details. Let's go sit.
[he can think about this much more clearly now, hopefully. he has something to look forward now. a goal. a reason to make things work. he pushes away from the counter, sliding a hand to the small of keigo's back to lead him to the couch where they can talk.]
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