[ if anyone could do it now, it would be natsuo. especially if keigo is able to tell him everything that has happened and everything endeavor has been doing even since his death. hell, natsuo will be furious once he finds out they never pulled the plug on him and that endeavor lied to them all.
dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
[it'll be hard. keigo is aware of this. but, he'll do it. it's the least he can do for dabi now. and if he ever wants his former lover to trust him again, this is where he starts.
it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
[ it'll be hard and painful, and dabi knows this won't be the end of all the pain and hurt feelings. he knows it's not just what happened between them either. it's unresolved issues from a lifetime of pain and abuse, and neither of them have ever gotten help for any of it.
dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
[the silence is comforting. more than he expects. it keeps the nerves down in a way. the sounds of the ocean is nice though, of crashing and rolling waves. he wonders how it feels to listen to it at night, with the night air to keep them cool. he really shouldn't think that far ahead though. he needed to take these baby-steps with dabi. to earn that trust back.
it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
[ dabi comes out often at night, just sitting or laying on the beach and looking up at the stars. often time he gets drunk or high and just loses himself in all of it. without fail, he always wishes keigo was here with him. so much for closing his heart off. apparently keigo opened it up too much. he always saw that as a bad thing.
his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
[through it all, dabi is patient with him. lets him talk. and keigo appreciates it. he didn't want to skim any details, didn't want to lie or hide again. his only obstacle was himself, and keigo needed to get past that.
he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
You did fuckin' tell me how you wanted them gone, and I told ya that if you stuck with us I'd fuckin' take care of it. That wasn't enough? I would've ruined em. For you.
[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
[keigo can't say any more. he knows he should have trusted in dabi, should have allowed the villain to rid his handlers completely. yet, once they had threatened dabi's being, he rolled over and accepted their lies. he couldn't lose his lover.
despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
[ he knew it wouldn't ever end. he knew it. not unless he ended the older man. that monster that had ruined everything good in him.
and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
[keigo is at such a loss of what to do for dabi. he knows there's trauma here. he needs to give his old lover his space. but, fuck, he's so damn worried for him. he's never seen dabi like this. it makes him stomach queasy again, that endeavor is responsible for this.
why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
[ this is more than he ever imagined had happened. his brain is still reeling from all this information, but he can't get lost in this. it's probably what endeavor would want.
still, he wishes keigo would have told him any of this much sooner. if he had told him the truth when he asked, maybe none of this would have happened. he still doesn't understand why keigo got out of the car that day and walked away, instead of telling him all of this.
the worst part is, this was after the betrayal and keigo hadn't even really tried all that hard to tell him.
but that's never how things go, dabi knows that well by now.
when he finally gets his breathing under control and his hands stop shaking, he lets his forehead fall onto his bent knees. he stays like that for a long moment, too tired to lash out again. he tries to focus on keigo's hands on his ankles. they always felt so different on him. ]
I need... I need a minute. I need a fuckin' drink.
[getting out of the car that day was a mistake. one that lead keigo right into a trap waiting for him. but, then again, that's the same night he awakened with endeavor on top of him. if the man had threatened dabi at that time, keigo would have done anything then to protect his former lover.
still, that night in the car was different than talking with dabi now. there's no insults, no taunts. as hard as it was to tell dabi everything, the other man had given keigo that patience. and, maybe, he wasn't sure where to start before. but the last month, it's all he could think about, wishing he could have told dabi all that happened.
it's in the past. keigo had to focus on the here and now, and getting rid of endeavor. the monster would come for them soon. a part of him is even afraid to wake up, that he'll have that man over his body again.
but, then dabi's words break keigo of his thoughts. he gives another squeeze before getting up to his feet.]
I'll get it.
[he needed to clear his head too. thinking about the end of the night was bringing up unsettling memories. he could act fast before endeavor even notices, but then again, the man had to be stopped completely.
coming into the kitchen, he pulls open the fridge and looks inside.]
[there are full bottles there next to empty ones. he really needs to clean this place. he just didn't really see the point in anything.
he stays with his head against his knees for a minute, then slowly lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. his hands are still trembling. he didn't think that could happen here, but the trauma Endeavor caused is so deeply engrained in his head, its even here in a damn simulation. Dabi wonders what would happen if he'd shut that part off. would he be a different person completely?
when he looks over at Keigo he realizes that trauma has extended to him too. this is what he wanted to stop. he wanted to end endeavor so nothing like this could ever happen again. it makes him so angry knowing he died trying, but didn't even have a chance once Keigo betrayed him.
he swallows that angry feeling down, looking down at his hands. ]
Are you... are you okay?
[Keigo was violated too, because of him. because of Endeavor's damn obsession with ruining his son and everything worth anything in this world. Dabi looks up at Keigo with sad eyes and says something he's sure he hasn't said since he was a child.]
[keigo hums, closing the door to the fridge and looking around the appliance. he finds the bottles there, some empty, some full. hard liquor too. he wonders if dabi spends his time drinking or getting high on drugs here. it makes him sad that his former lover has been suffering this entire time, and keigo couldn't do that one thing for him. but, he's also happy to be here at this moment, with dabi. it makes up for every single one of endeavor's disgusting touches that ever caressed his body.
looking over the bottle, keigo takes one he knows to be particularly hard. not that he desires to get blackout drunk, but it would certainly take some of the edge off. he's positive they both need that. they're both suffering from trauma.
he turns to face dabi with the bottle when he catches that question. he opens his mouth to answer, but then closes it. he tries to think how to answer it properly, but it leaves him standing awkwardly in the kitchen.
he'd be lying if he says he wasn't okay. but it's more than that.
again, dabi is able to snap him from his thoughts so easily, this time by his apology. it catches keigo off guard. he almost drops the bottle in his hand. his former lover has such sad eyes. it pulls at the hero's heart.]
You don't have to apologize.
[he responds back, giving a small smile. a sad one. then, coming back over with the liquor, keigo kneels back down in front of his former lover. he wants to touch and caress dabi like he used to, to snuggle in warm arms and long kisses. it always made everything better.]
I..I'm terrified. Of him. For us. But, when I look at you, all I feel is warmth. Like, I'm free in the skies again.
[keigo states honestly, trying to give a better smile, one less sad. putting the bottle between them, he twists it open, then offers it to his former lover.]
I'm sorry too, Dabi. For everything I've done. If I had told you what was going on, if I had trusted you back then...I'm so s-sorry.
[his voice breaks at the end, keigo's breath shaky as he tries to fight back crying again. he's just so tired of crying. just one big emotional flightless bird now. swallowing, keigo raises up his arm to rub his eyes.
he truly deserved everything bad that's happened to him in his life due to that betrayal. he couldn't take any of it back, as desperate as keigo desires to do so.]
[ dabi's been doing exactly that. drinking, doing drugs, fucking around with whoever could ruin him, just to get his mind away from everything that's been happening.
it's only worked in bits and pieces, temporarily. nothing could ever be like keigo again.
dabi knows that asking keigo if he's okay is a big question. it would be big for him too, especially in a place like this, or one back in reality. but keigo has a hard time answering, and he has a feeling his apology means more anyway. at least he hopes it does even in some small way. ]
I do, though.
[he says quietly as keigo comes to kneel before him. and oh, how he longs for keigo to reach out, but he's not even sure they're there yet, even with the small smile on keigo's face. it all seems so distant from anything they've ever done. He wishes they were free. They could have been.
he hesitates with the offered drink but he takes it, even if he doesn't drink from the bottle just yet. he just lets keigo talk, dolling out his own apologies and the sad stories that have gotten them here. he wants to just accept it for what it is. in the end none of it really matters anyway, he tells himself. deep down though, he knows it does otherwise he wouldn't have been so hurt by it all. everything with Keigo has always meant something more. ]
Keigo...
[ he used to be so angered by Keigo's tears. they were unfair, he thought. why should Keigo be crying over something he did? something he ruined? but there's so much more to it than that, and Dabi hates seeing those tears now.
they're both so sad and so broken, and none of that is fair either. Dabi is so tired of fighting and surviving off nothing when all he's wanted to do is curl up with Keigo again. he thought he'd never have that again, but suddenly it's here in front of him.
he sighs heavily, spreading his knees so he can reach out to the other man. he grabs his arms and tugs him between his legs, pulling him tight against his body so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
I want you to feel that warmth again. I want us to be free.
[maybe it's good that keigo doesn't know what dabi has been up to while here. although, he can't exactly blame the former villain, given what he's been through. even keigo feels like he should lose himself with enough alcohol to properly cleanse himself.
rather, maybe he really needs to lose himself to dabi's warm arms. maybe in due time, he tells himself.
the apology stirs something within keigo's chest. it makes him appreciative, glad to have heard it, despite that he told dabi it wasn't needed. his former lover pressuring that it did matter only gets keigo to keen. it means more than he expects.]
Thank you.
[he whispers out, keeping the apology dear to him. he would have never expected to receive it, given what he's done, what he's deserved to be placed where he's at. yes. it definitely means a lot more than he ever expected.
hearing his name does get keigo to drop his arm from his wet eyes. he's so tired of crying. he just wants to smile and laugh with dabi again. to tease, bicker, and jest. to be happy again. he would give anything to curl up with his former lover again, whispering breathless words that always placed a smile at his lips.
keigo is almost taken back when dabi's knees spread open and then his arms are urged forward, a move the former hero doesn't fight. he eagerly comes forward, wanting nothing more than this.]
Dabi...
[he breathes his old lover's name, nosing against dabi's collarbone while his arms circle around the thin waist. his fingers take to the back of dabi's shirt, gripping tightly, afraid to let go. he wants to cry. he wants to smile. but instead, all he does it breathe in his former lover's scent.]
I'll do anything for it, anything for you. I want to feel your warmth again.
[ it's definitely good that keigo doesn't know what dabi's been up to while he's been here. it hurts him to his core. he can't imagine it would hurt keigo any less. for a long while he thought all of what keigo had said was a lie. that he didn't care about him at all and that it was only a job.
it's hard to believe that now, though, especially once keigo told him everything. no one would go through all that for someone who was just a job. while it still hurts that keigo betrayed him anyway, he still wants to hold on to the rest of what it meant.
the rest? he has to try and let go of if they're going to try and make something work. he knows both of them deserve more than just an apology, but he hopes it's a good start.
once keigo is in his arms, dabi wills warmth back into his body like he used to have. he knows he isn't like that anymore, but he can make it a part of himself again, can't he? just like when he decides to have his scars. having keigo in his arms feels like the biggest relief imaginable. it feels like coming home. dabi closes his eyes and holds him tightly, burying his face into keigo's hair. it's been so long. too long and it makes him tear up. without his scars it's as if he can't seem to stop.]
We gotta figure out a way to fix this.
[not just the thing with endeavor's hold, but between them too. everything around them is broken.]
[it really is like home, being right here in dabi's arms again. keigo never wants to leave them again. he knows he can't get too comfortable, given that his former lover is working hard to forgive him. he doesn't want to pressure dabi at all.
whatever the other man graces him with, keigo will greedily accept it. just being able to talk with him again, it's so perfect. dabi was everything keigo needed and wanted. he would do anything for this man.
for now though, he'll greedily take in basking in the warmth dabi's body provides. it's not quite like before, but there's warmth here, and if keigo desired it, he would fold his wings around their bodies like he used to. it's just so difficult to do so with the fake ones provided in this simulated world. he's...grown accustomed without them, as sad as that was.
his tears come to finally dry up as he clings to dabi. it'll be painful to leave this, even for a short time, all in order to get whatever they needed set into motion. he'll return as fast as he can though, to spend eternity here with dabi. it's all keigo wants now.]
Yeah. [he agrees softly into his former lover's shirt, before he finds himself nosing against dabi affectionately on instinct.] We still have time.
[ there were so many nights he'd cry himself to sleep, longing for this. to be able to hold keigo again feels like a dream. he knows this is close to one, but he can still feel it. keigo is tangible in his arms. he's something that can hold him right back. it's exactly like the real thing.
he lets himself be greedy, not wanting to let go. he's suffered enough and he knows he needs to let himself have this. they both have suffered so greatly through this. ]
In a little bit, then.
[they dont' have a lot of time, but they have enough of it to let themselves indulge. he realizes that he's never quite felt keigo nuzzling at his neck because of his scars, but now he can feel it. it makes him shiver lightly and hold keigo a little tighter.]
I still think about this a lot. No matter how angry I was, I always would.
[just to have dabi be greedy, keigo doesn't mind it one bit. dabi could do anything to him, and the former hero would appreciate it. he can keep this in mind, these warm arms wrapped around his body, when he returns. and, if endeavor is waiting for him, he'll replay this moment on a loop.
he desperately hopes the number one isn't there though. maybe he'll be pulled out onto a call or filling out paperwork. as long as he's busy, that's all keigo would need.]
A little bit.
[keigo agrees with a whisper, far too comfortable to move anyway. the time would fly, he's aware of that. especially after he's only thought and dreamed of nothing but this.
a soft sound escapes when he feels dabi's grip tightening around him. he returns the same gesture, fingernails biting a little into the fabric of the other male's shirt. a small smile graces his lips to dabi's words though. if he still had his wings, they would flutter in excitement.]
Thinking about this, about you...kept me alive. I could endure anything for you. I still can.
[ dabi doesn't want keigo to leave again, no matter how he might still feel about everything that has happened. keigo being here instead of stuck in that shit real world... he realizes that if keigo was here, maybe this place wouldn't feel so terrible for him either.
there's so much they need to talk about, so much he wants to say, but he's waited this long. he can wait a little longer. he just wants to stay like this for a while longer. ]
You don't gotta endure shit for much longer, alright? You're gonna be here with me after this.
[he lifts a hand to comb through keigo's hair. it still feels the same as he remembers. it even smells the same.]
Hey... you wanna get up off'a this floor, though? We can go lay down. The bed I got here... it's... it's like the one ya had at your place.
[keigo doesn’t want to leave dabi either. he wants to quickly sign away his right to die and be uploaded to this world, just so he can remain at dabi’s side. to wake up and live each day, sleep at the other male’s side, that’s what he needs.
if only he could do it without having to return to the real world.
for now, he’ll cherish this and think about it when he slips off and dies in the real world. maybe having natsuo at his side will make sure he’s definitely uploaded. he doesn’t really doubt they’ll keep him from san junipero, given how desperate everyone is to upload him there. still, keigo wants to be positive he’ll return to dabi.]
I hope you’re prepared to have a needy bird on your heel.
[he teases lightly. there’s truth to it though. it might be awhile before he could properly leave dabi’s shadow. but there’s no reason to leave in this world. no heroes. no modeling. only dabi. and that’s all he wants.
it’s hard to not lean up into that hand though. he rubs against it, causing him to nuzzle dabi’s neck further. not that keigo minds. it gives him a chance to breathe in his former lover’s scent again.
although, he does force himself to pull back a bit to dabi’s words. a bed like his old one. their bed, his mind supplies. he doesn’t need to be told twice, even if it’s so hard to pull away from dabi.]
[ when he woke up this morning he never thought this was going to be his day. only in his dreams did he think he could lay in this bed with keigo again.
he doesn't want keigo to go back either, not even for a little bit, but they need to finish this madness once and for all. that's the only way to ensure their safety. they'll finally be able to be away from it all. all it ever would have taken was endeavor's death. ]
S'been a while, but I think I can manage a needy bird.
[he hasn't smiled since the last time he was with keigo in the real world, but now he can't help the small one on edge of his lips. feels good to have him so close like this again, feeling the new sensation of goosebumps all long his neck as his ex lover keeps nuzzling into him. he's almost disappointed when keigo lifts his head, but there's still that smallest smile on his face.
he nods, letting his hands slide away from keigo to close the bottle of alcohol. he doesn't feel like drinking himself into oblivion anymore. he just wants to go lay with keigo.]
[it’s almost like this is an all too perfect dream. he didn’t wake up earlier expecting to reunite with his old lover. to get to lay together in bed again, he’s never looked forward to anything like it in so many months.
there’s something that sits inside him when dabi comes to repeat the nickname. he always was weak to them before. of course now, he was flightless. still, those names were always given to him by dabi and nobody else. they were precious to keigo.]
I’ll try not to nip your heels too much.
[he’s glad dabi is up for the challenge.
keigo catches that smile and his chest warms up from it. he wants to pull more of those out like before. he wants to make dabi happy. as happy as the former villain makes him.
keigo finds it endearing to see that the alcohol isn’t needed any longer, that he’s more important or able to provide more than the liquor could.]
Alright. Show me.
[he offers another smile, eager to bask back in that familiar warmth again. he yearned so much to wrap arms and legs around dabi like before.
a part of him does want to take his former lover’s hand though. but, he’s not sure if dabi is ready yet, and keigo doesn’t want to appear extremely needy, despite being so. even though they’ve held each other and intended to do so in bed. hand-holding was always more...intimate between them.]
[ dabi doesn't know how keigo would feel about those nicknames anymore, now that his wings are gone. for the first time since it happened, he starts to feel guilty about it. at the time he felt like keigo deserved it, and maybe he still does, but those wings were a part of keigo either way.
it's something he's sure he'll dwell on more later, even once keigo is gone. another intense feeling that'll overtake him, but maybe he deserves to feel that way.
for now though, he just wants to enjoy what he has in front of him, even if they only lay together under the covers. it's all dabi really needs and he's sure keigo needs it too. he doesn't take the other man's hand as he heads towards the bedroom, glancing over at keigo as they move through the house. there are little things here that keigo might recognize, like the mug, a painting on the wall that keigo used to have that dabi always liked. some of the furniture is the same, and the clothes strewn across the floor are keigo's.
for a moment he's embarrassed, not because of the mess, but because so much of keigo is still here in this house, even though he swore he hated his former lover. ]
I uh... I got used to your stuff, I guess.
[he tries to explain, once he knows keigo has seen it all. right down to the bedroom which looks almost identical, and the big, comfy bed.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zvi and
no subject
Date: 2021-03-04 11:42 pm (UTC)dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 12:23 am (UTC)it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 12:58 am (UTC)dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 02:18 am (UTC)it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
...they threatened to kill you next.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 02:44 am (UTC)his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 03:31 am (UTC)he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 03:57 am (UTC)[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:15 am (UTC)despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
It's okay. He can't reach you. I'm..I'm here.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:39 am (UTC)and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 04:51 am (UTC)why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
But..we need a plan to get rid of him. For good.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 05:08 am (UTC)still, he wishes keigo would have told him any of this much sooner. if he had told him the truth when he asked, maybe none of this would have happened. he still doesn't understand why keigo got out of the car that day and walked away, instead of telling him all of this.
the worst part is, this was after the betrayal and keigo hadn't even really tried all that hard to tell him.
but that's never how things go, dabi knows that well by now.
when he finally gets his breathing under control and his hands stop shaking, he lets his forehead fall onto his bent knees. he stays like that for a long moment, too tired to lash out again. he tries to focus on keigo's hands on his ankles. they always felt so different on him. ]
I need... I need a minute. I need a fuckin' drink.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 05:25 am (UTC)still, that night in the car was different than talking with dabi now. there's no insults, no taunts. as hard as it was to tell dabi everything, the other man had given keigo that patience. and, maybe, he wasn't sure where to start before. but the last month, it's all he could think about, wishing he could have told dabi all that happened.
it's in the past. keigo had to focus on the here and now, and getting rid of endeavor. the monster would come for them soon. a part of him is even afraid to wake up, that he'll have that man over his body again.
but, then dabi's words break keigo of his thoughts. he gives another squeeze before getting up to his feet.]
I'll get it.
[he needed to clear his head too. thinking about the end of the night was bringing up unsettling memories. he could act fast before endeavor even notices, but then again, the man had to be stopped completely.
coming into the kitchen, he pulls open the fridge and looks inside.]
Beer, right? Or water?
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 12:17 pm (UTC)[there are full bottles there next to empty ones. he really needs to clean this place. he just didn't really see the point in anything.
he stays with his head against his knees for a minute, then slowly lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. his hands are still trembling. he didn't think that could happen here, but the trauma Endeavor caused is so deeply engrained in his head, its even here in a damn simulation. Dabi wonders what would happen if he'd shut that part off. would he be a different person completely?
when he looks over at Keigo he realizes that trauma has extended to him too. this is what he wanted to stop. he wanted to end endeavor so nothing like this could ever happen again. it makes him so angry knowing he died trying, but didn't even have a chance once Keigo betrayed him.
he swallows that angry feeling down, looking down at his hands. ]
Are you... are you okay?
[Keigo was violated too, because of him. because of Endeavor's damn obsession with ruining his son and everything worth anything in this world. Dabi looks up at Keigo with sad eyes and says something he's sure he hasn't said since he was a child.]
I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 03:11 pm (UTC)[keigo hums, closing the door to the fridge and looking around the appliance. he finds the bottles there, some empty, some full. hard liquor too. he wonders if dabi spends his time drinking or getting high on drugs here. it makes him sad that his former lover has been suffering this entire time, and keigo couldn't do that one thing for him. but, he's also happy to be here at this moment, with dabi. it makes up for every single one of endeavor's disgusting touches that ever caressed his body.
looking over the bottle, keigo takes one he knows to be particularly hard. not that he desires to get blackout drunk, but it would certainly take some of the edge off. he's positive they both need that. they're both suffering from trauma.
he turns to face dabi with the bottle when he catches that question. he opens his mouth to answer, but then closes it. he tries to think how to answer it properly, but it leaves him standing awkwardly in the kitchen.
he'd be lying if he says he wasn't okay. but it's more than that.
again, dabi is able to snap him from his thoughts so easily, this time by his apology. it catches keigo off guard. he almost drops the bottle in his hand. his former lover has such sad eyes. it pulls at the hero's heart.]
You don't have to apologize.
[he responds back, giving a small smile. a sad one. then, coming back over with the liquor, keigo kneels back down in front of his former lover. he wants to touch and caress dabi like he used to, to snuggle in warm arms and long kisses. it always made everything better.]
I..I'm terrified. Of him. For us. But, when I look at you, all I feel is warmth. Like, I'm free in the skies again.
[keigo states honestly, trying to give a better smile, one less sad. putting the bottle between them, he twists it open, then offers it to his former lover.]
I'm sorry too, Dabi. For everything I've done. If I had told you what was going on, if I had trusted you back then...I'm so s-sorry.
[his voice breaks at the end, keigo's breath shaky as he tries to fight back crying again. he's just so tired of crying. just one big emotional flightless bird now. swallowing, keigo raises up his arm to rub his eyes.
he truly deserved everything bad that's happened to him in his life due to that betrayal. he couldn't take any of it back, as desperate as keigo desires to do so.]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-06 09:37 pm (UTC)it's only worked in bits and pieces, temporarily. nothing could ever be like keigo again.
dabi knows that asking keigo if he's okay is a big question. it would be big for him too, especially in a place like this, or one back in reality. but keigo has a hard time answering, and he has a feeling his apology means more anyway. at least he hopes it does even in some small way. ]
I do, though.
[he says quietly as keigo comes to kneel before him. and oh, how he longs for keigo to reach out, but he's not even sure they're there yet, even with the small smile on keigo's face. it all seems so distant from anything they've ever done. He wishes they were free. They could have been.
he hesitates with the offered drink but he takes it, even if he doesn't drink from the bottle just yet. he just lets keigo talk, dolling out his own apologies and the sad stories that have gotten them here. he wants to just accept it for what it is. in the end none of it really matters anyway, he tells himself. deep down though, he knows it does otherwise he wouldn't have been so hurt by it all. everything with Keigo has always meant something more. ]
Keigo...
[ he used to be so angered by Keigo's tears. they were unfair, he thought. why should Keigo be crying over something he did? something he ruined? but there's so much more to it than that, and Dabi hates seeing those tears now.
they're both so sad and so broken, and none of that is fair either. Dabi is so tired of fighting and surviving off nothing when all he's wanted to do is curl up with Keigo again. he thought he'd never have that again, but suddenly it's here in front of him.
he sighs heavily, spreading his knees so he can reach out to the other man. he grabs his arms and tugs him between his legs, pulling him tight against his body so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
I want you to feel that warmth again. I want us to be free.
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Date: 2021-03-07 01:57 am (UTC)rather, maybe he really needs to lose himself to dabi's warm arms. maybe in due time, he tells himself.
the apology stirs something within keigo's chest. it makes him appreciative, glad to have heard it, despite that he told dabi it wasn't needed. his former lover pressuring that it did matter only gets keigo to keen. it means more than he expects.]
Thank you.
[he whispers out, keeping the apology dear to him. he would have never expected to receive it, given what he's done, what he's deserved to be placed where he's at. yes. it definitely means a lot more than he ever expected.
hearing his name does get keigo to drop his arm from his wet eyes. he's so tired of crying. he just wants to smile and laugh with dabi again. to tease, bicker, and jest. to be happy again. he would give anything to curl up with his former lover again, whispering breathless words that always placed a smile at his lips.
keigo is almost taken back when dabi's knees spread open and then his arms are urged forward, a move the former hero doesn't fight. he eagerly comes forward, wanting nothing more than this.]
Dabi...
[he breathes his old lover's name, nosing against dabi's collarbone while his arms circle around the thin waist. his fingers take to the back of dabi's shirt, gripping tightly, afraid to let go. he wants to cry. he wants to smile. but instead, all he does it breathe in his former lover's scent.]
I'll do anything for it, anything for you. I want to feel your warmth again.
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Date: 2021-03-07 02:24 am (UTC)it's hard to believe that now, though, especially once keigo told him everything. no one would go through all that for someone who was just a job. while it still hurts that keigo betrayed him anyway, he still wants to hold on to the rest of what it meant.
the rest? he has to try and let go of if they're going to try and make something work. he knows both of them deserve more than just an apology, but he hopes it's a good start.
once keigo is in his arms, dabi wills warmth back into his body like he used to have. he knows he isn't like that anymore, but he can make it a part of himself again, can't he? just like when he decides to have his scars. having keigo in his arms feels like the biggest relief imaginable. it feels like coming home. dabi closes his eyes and holds him tightly, burying his face into keigo's hair. it's been so long. too long and it makes him tear up. without his scars it's as if he can't seem to stop.]
We gotta figure out a way to fix this.
[not just the thing with endeavor's hold, but between them too. everything around them is broken.]
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Date: 2021-03-07 02:37 am (UTC)whatever the other man graces him with, keigo will greedily accept it. just being able to talk with him again, it's so perfect. dabi was everything keigo needed and wanted. he would do anything for this man.
for now though, he'll greedily take in basking in the warmth dabi's body provides. it's not quite like before, but there's warmth here, and if keigo desired it, he would fold his wings around their bodies like he used to. it's just so difficult to do so with the fake ones provided in this simulated world. he's...grown accustomed without them, as sad as that was.
his tears come to finally dry up as he clings to dabi. it'll be painful to leave this, even for a short time, all in order to get whatever they needed set into motion. he'll return as fast as he can though, to spend eternity here with dabi. it's all keigo wants now.]
Yeah. [he agrees softly into his former lover's shirt, before he finds himself nosing against dabi affectionately on instinct.] We still have time.
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Date: 2021-03-07 03:24 am (UTC)he lets himself be greedy, not wanting to let go. he's suffered enough and he knows he needs to let himself have this. they both have suffered so greatly through this. ]
In a little bit, then.
[they dont' have a lot of time, but they have enough of it to let themselves indulge. he realizes that he's never quite felt keigo nuzzling at his neck because of his scars, but now he can feel it. it makes him shiver lightly and hold keigo a little tighter.]
I still think about this a lot. No matter how angry I was, I always would.
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Date: 2021-03-07 03:39 am (UTC)he desperately hopes the number one isn't there though. maybe he'll be pulled out onto a call or filling out paperwork. as long as he's busy, that's all keigo would need.]
A little bit.
[keigo agrees with a whisper, far too comfortable to move anyway. the time would fly, he's aware of that. especially after he's only thought and dreamed of nothing but this.
a soft sound escapes when he feels dabi's grip tightening around him. he returns the same gesture, fingernails biting a little into the fabric of the other male's shirt. a small smile graces his lips to dabi's words though. if he still had his wings, they would flutter in excitement.]
Thinking about this, about you...kept me alive. I could endure anything for you. I still can.
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Date: 2021-03-07 04:27 am (UTC)there's so much they need to talk about, so much he wants to say, but he's waited this long. he can wait a little longer. he just wants to stay like this for a while longer. ]
You don't gotta endure shit for much longer, alright? You're gonna be here with me after this.
[he lifts a hand to comb through keigo's hair. it still feels the same as he remembers. it even smells the same.]
Hey... you wanna get up off'a this floor, though? We can go lay down. The bed I got here... it's... it's like the one ya had at your place.
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Date: 2021-03-07 05:00 am (UTC)if only he could do it without having to return to the real world.
for now, he’ll cherish this and think about it when he slips off and dies in the real world. maybe having natsuo at his side will make sure he’s definitely uploaded. he doesn’t really doubt they’ll keep him from san junipero, given how desperate everyone is to upload him there. still, keigo wants to be positive he’ll return to dabi.]
I hope you’re prepared to have a needy bird on your heel.
[he teases lightly. there’s truth to it though. it might be awhile before he could properly leave dabi’s shadow. but there’s no reason to leave in this world. no heroes. no modeling. only dabi. and that’s all he wants.
it’s hard to not lean up into that hand though. he rubs against it, causing him to nuzzle dabi’s neck further. not that keigo minds. it gives him a chance to breathe in his former lover’s scent again.
although, he does force himself to pull back a bit to dabi’s words. a bed like his old one. their bed, his mind supplies. he doesn’t need to be told twice, even if it’s so hard to pull away from dabi.]
Okay.
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Date: 2021-03-07 05:43 am (UTC)he doesn't want keigo to go back either, not even for a little bit, but they need to finish this madness once and for all. that's the only way to ensure their safety. they'll finally be able to be away from it all. all it ever would have taken was endeavor's death. ]
S'been a while, but I think I can manage a needy bird.
[he hasn't smiled since the last time he was with keigo in the real world, but now he can't help the small one on edge of his lips. feels good to have him so close like this again, feeling the new sensation of goosebumps all long his neck as his ex lover keeps nuzzling into him. he's almost disappointed when keigo lifts his head, but there's still that smallest smile on his face.
he nods, letting his hands slide away from keigo to close the bottle of alcohol. he doesn't feel like drinking himself into oblivion anymore. he just wants to go lay with keigo.]
Come on. I'll show ya where the bedroom is.
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Date: 2021-03-07 06:06 am (UTC)there’s something that sits inside him when dabi comes to repeat the nickname. he always was weak to them before. of course now, he was flightless. still, those names were always given to him by dabi and nobody else. they were precious to keigo.]
I’ll try not to nip your heels too much.
[he’s glad dabi is up for the challenge.
keigo catches that smile and his chest warms up from it. he wants to pull more of those out like before. he wants to make dabi happy. as happy as the former villain makes him.
keigo finds it endearing to see that the alcohol isn’t needed any longer, that he’s more important or able to provide more than the liquor could.]
Alright. Show me.
[he offers another smile, eager to bask back in that familiar warmth again. he yearned so much to wrap arms and legs around dabi like before.
a part of him does want to take his former lover’s hand though. but, he’s not sure if dabi is ready yet, and keigo doesn’t want to appear extremely needy, despite being so. even though they’ve held each other and intended to do so in bed. hand-holding was always more...intimate between them.]
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Date: 2021-03-07 06:22 am (UTC)it's something he's sure he'll dwell on more later, even once keigo is gone. another intense feeling that'll overtake him, but maybe he deserves to feel that way.
for now though, he just wants to enjoy what he has in front of him, even if they only lay together under the covers. it's all dabi really needs and he's sure keigo needs it too. he doesn't take the other man's hand as he heads towards the bedroom, glancing over at keigo as they move through the house. there are little things here that keigo might recognize, like the mug, a painting on the wall that keigo used to have that dabi always liked. some of the furniture is the same, and the clothes strewn across the floor are keigo's.
for a moment he's embarrassed, not because of the mess, but because so much of keigo is still here in this house, even though he swore he hated his former lover. ]
I uh... I got used to your stuff, I guess.
[he tries to explain, once he knows keigo has seen it all. right down to the bedroom which looks almost identical, and the big, comfy bed.]
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