creamation | (no subject)

[He leans closer to kiss the top of Dabi's head as he kisses one of Shigaraki's knees. At Dabi's reassurance, there's a small hesitancy before he moves. Shooing Dabi's hands away gently, he stands up just high enough to maneuver himself. He ends up sitting with his back facing Dabi. This position would be more comfortable... with Dabi holding him close and Shigaraki capable of staring off into the distance.

It's not like he didn't want to see Dabi or anything but this would be nicer.]

Are you sure?

[He sounds so uncertain but he doesn't want to touch the other without permission. So he stays frozen in place until either Dabi answers him or pulls him closer.]

[ Dabi moves back enough to let Shigaraki move. He would have tried to hold onto him any way he could no matter what, but this is better. He waits for Shigaraki to settle in before he slides his arms around him, very slowly pulling him closer.

He's not going to be an idiot about it this time. ]

If it starts to get too much, I can move. I won't force myself to try and ride out the discomfort like last time. I tried to ignore all the shit inside myself instead of dealing with it.

Even with our touch sessions I always try to escape it instead of facing it. I was drunk on top of everything... I lost control.

I pushed you. It's my fault.

[At least thats what Shigaraki has convinced himself of. It's a change in pace from his usual line of logic. Usually he'd be more than willing to let Dabi shoulder the blame for the meltdown. But this time he isn't as selfish.

He lets himself be pulled closer, and cautiously he leans into Dabi's chest, tilting his head back so that he could look at the other.]

I'm sorry.

[For a lot of things. But he's never felt this guilty before. Sure it was frustrating and stressful that they'd been separated like this. The days had been a whirlwind of emotion. Part of his scratching had been a reflection of that. The other part? Well. It was his own sort of punishment for pushing Dabi like that.]

It's not your fault. I kept going with it too. I wanted to.

[He just pushed himself too hard, too fast and he wasn't thinking. He wanted to be with Shigaraki so much and just let himself be free of his issues for one night. But it doesn't work like that.

Except now, maybe his mind knows he's safer with this man in front of him. He knows he has someone to reach out to without a doubt. When Shigaraki's head falls back, Dabi leans in and kisses his temple, then further down his face where he was scratching last night. He wants to kiss all these damn wounds.]

It wasn't your fault, Tomura. You always respect me when I say no.

[Shigaraki knows it'll be a back and forth battle of who gets the blame. He wants the blame, Dabi won't give it to him or let him have it. This battle isn't worth fighting over. Not in his current state of mind and so;]

Can we change the subject?

[He dips his hands into the water, hissing lightly as the warmth washes over the raw skin. Everything hurts if he thinks too hard about it. The pain wasn't helped by the bath. Instead, it felt more like a wet weight on him.]

Hm. Yeah... but I need you to know it wasn't your fault. I wanted to be with you, to let go of it all and just be completely close to you. I forced myself, you didn't force me. You helped me. And now look, you're sitting back against me and it's alright.

[He won't stop stressing that until Shigaraki gets it through his damn head. He doesn't want him to be stuck in this state, thinking all of it was his fault.

It's the opposite of what Dabi wants. The water is supposed to be soothing, washing the pain away. The water shouldn't hurt that much and Dabi wonders how much of that is in Shigaraki's head as well. He moves his hair aside and starts kissing along the back of his neck, then carefully brings warm water up his hands to pour on him before grabbing the soap to start washing his back.

Circular, soothing motions as he presses his legs a little tighter around him, cocooning him closer.]

[There's no response from Shigaraki as Dabi continues on with the subject he desperately wanted to drop. He's still going to beat himself up over this situation but he'll move on eventually. It'll just take time, as things always do with Shigaraki.

The kisses are a gentle distraction from his self depreciating thoughts and he leans forward slightly for Dabi to give him more. At that moment, Dabi pours water over him and the feeling shocks Shigaraki as he jolts a little. But then Dabi's there with the soap on his back and it feels calming. His body starts to visibly relax, the tension in his muscles slowly releasing. He lets out a soft sigh as the warm water becomes soothing. There'a still a dull ache in his wrists and where the water washed over fresh cuts however it isn't bothersome.

He's even able to play in the water a little, one hand idly swirling at the water with languid movements. The other hand carefully touching Dabi's leg with three fingers. Eventually he draws his legs closer, letting Dabi cocoon him even more, and moves to rest his head on his knees. He continues with his slow movements and touches on Dabi's leg with a bit of uncertainty.]

[ Dabi knows that as impatient as he might be to make things right, it will take time. He also thinks it would help more if they talked about it, but he won't push right now. It's all too fresh, ripping into Shigaraki like the wounds on his skin.

He's said what he wants to say, at least for now. Now, all he wants to do is take care of Shigaraki. He drops more kisses along his back as he washes, keeping his movements slow and steady and soon enough he can feel that tension starting to ebb away. He keeps the water warm, using that as a gauge to make sure his body temperature doesn't raise because of his close proximity to Shigaraki's body. So far so good.

It isn't anxiety he feels in his chest now, but a whole different emotion. Something he hasn't really given much thought about until more recently. It's the emotion that pushed Dabi to want to be closer to Shigaraki in the first place, the other night, but he won't let it be corrupted by his past. ]

That feels nice.

[He whispers close to Shigaraki's ear, before kissing and nipping down along his shoulder. Then, more carefully than he's ever done anything in his life, he starts to wash the dry blood from Shigaraki's skin, trying to distract him with more kisses, his legs just a little tighter around him. ]

Mmhmm. Yeah. [He agrees with a small shiver. Dabi's tender attention is foreign from the brash attention they crave from each other so often. But the tenderness isn't unwanted, it's needed.

He winces when Dabi starts to wash closer to the fresh wounds, squeezing his eyes shut. The three fingers against the other man's leg seizes as his body involuntarily twists to get out of the way. He doesn't get very far, not with the way Dabi has him trapped with his legs.]

That hurts. [It's not Dabi's fault. He knows this. But he wants to go back to the gentleness he's not used to.]

I know. Just a little bit longer. I want to wash the old blood off.

[It's eve crusted around the healing wounds, because of course Shigaraki hadn't taken care of himself at all. Dabi slides his free hand into Shigaraki's hair, moving his fingers lightly against his scalp as he keeps washing his damaged skin, trying to be as gentle and efficient about it as possible.

When he's done, he brings the soap around to Shigaraki's front, drawing smooth circles again as he leans in to pepper more kisses along his back.

After a moment he just rests his forehead down and wraps his arms around the other man, hugging him closer. He feels overwhelmed in a different kind of way now. The kind of way where he just needs Shigaraki to stay close]

[He never takes care of himself. Kurogiri has to constantly remind Shigaraki to take care of himself. Even without this funk he's put himself in, Shigaraki forgets about himself whether it'll be eating, handling his anxiety in healthier ways, or basic things.

Dabi is gentle and firm when he needs to be. When he's finally finished, the skin feels a bit better but still feels sore to Shigaraki. Maybe when they're done with their bath they can properly medicate his open wounds and that should really make everything better.

He lets out a shaky sigh when Dabi finally moves away from the open wounds. It's right back to the tender kisses and massages and he breathes a little harder to ease his mind. But the hugging has him frozen stiff again. Afraid that he's going to fuck this up again so soon. He doesn't move, letting Dabi take control of the intimacy. Seconds pass and nothing happens. Then minutes.

Only when the other shows no sighs of being uncomfortable does he relax into the hug. Shigaraki even brings up a hand to daintly touch Dabi's.]

[ That's why Dabi feeds him, and tries to find other ways to deal with his anxiety, or bathes him. That's why he does all the little things that he's sure no one else notices, like cutting his hair and his fingernails and caring for his wounds when Shigaraki has had a long and stressful day and the wounds are inevitable.

Dabi doesn't mind any of this. He's grown accustom to it in the time they've been together. Shigaraki takes care of him too, in different ways and Dabi doesn't ever think to give him shit about it anymore.

He waits for Shigaraki to relax against him, hoping that after a while he will. When he does, Dabi lets out a long breath against his back. There are so many things he wants to say, but he's afraid that if he opens his mouth his overwhelming emotions might get the better of him. He's not there yet. He's not ready to face such deep emotions that don't involve anger and hatred, but instead, the complete opposite. ]

[Shigaraki eases into this new intimacy. Dabi rarely holds him close for this long. He closes his eyes, breathing softly as he lets the other cocoon him further.]

Dabi?

[He mumbles softly, unsure if this was all just some weird hallucinatory dream.]

[ He rarely does because he hasn't been able to. Not just that, but he hasn't always let himself either. They're villains, the scum of the earth, the undesirables. They don't get things like this. They not supposed to have comfort. Isn't that what most people would say? And Dabi has held on strong to those ideas for a number of reasons, but he's tired of it.

He's tired of his past and everything he's let it take from him. He may still hold on to the anger and his need for vengeance, but that's not all it has to be. Wanting what he has with Shigaraki is not his weakness.

He turns his face sideways, resting his cheek against Shigaraki's back. ]

Yeah. I'm here. I just...

[He lifts his head a little kissing Shigarki's shoulder again.]

You mean a lot to me, Tomura.

I lo- [the word gets stuck in his throat. It steals away his voice and leaves him a little stunned. No. It's too fast still. Despite everything they've been through it's still such a vulnerable thing for him to admit.

So he does what he does best and avoids the subject;]

Can I hold your arms?

[ Dabi's heart lurches. He knows what Shigaraki was about to say. It's what he's been trying to work around in his head as well. So when he cuts himself off and doesn't say it, Dabi understands. He's been sitting here hugging Shigaraki while thinking those very same works, unable to voice them.

He shifts a little, moving his chest just slightly away from Shigaraki's back, but leaves his chin still resting against it. It feels less overwhelming this way, and he nods. ]

Yeah.

[He lifts his hands from the water and gently pulls Dabi's arms around him. With careful movements, he manages to hold Dabi's arms in his own; forming his own kind of hug. Dabi's never really let him be touched due to his past and Shigaraki has a hard time touching due to his quirk. This is the closest thing they've had to a hug because of their respective issues.

Eventually he brings one of Dabi's hands to his face, burying his face into the scarred flesh as he kisses one finger. He mouths the word against the skin. I love you. Yeah. Too fast. He pulls Dabi's hand to his face, hiding behind it as he tries to still his rapidly beating heart.]

[ he lets Shigaraki moves his arms any way he wants, weighing how it all feels in his head. It's fine like this, he's not pushing himself. Shigaraki's touch is less intrusive now than it's ever been and not just because he wishes it wasn't.

He lets out a soft sigh when Shigaraki brings his hand to his face, closing his eyes when he starts kissing his finger. Dabi can feel his lips moving in silent words and he knows what Shigaraki is saying. God, he fucking knows without even having to think too hard about it.

Dabi noses at the back of Shigaraki's neck, then kisses at the bone protruding there before mouthing back against his skin. I love you too. ]

[He can practically feel the words on his back with how loud his heart is beating in his ears. Suddenly it's hard to swallow and hard to breathe. He presses Dabi's hand a little tighter into his face, trying to get the other to hold him in the same way that father usually does or at least close enough so that he could calm down from this rapid anxiety.

His hands are already occupied with holding Dabi, otherwise he'd start clawing at his newly cleaned skin.]

[ He can practically feel the anxiety building up in Shigaraki. He starts tensing up, his breathing shifts, and he can feel that nervousness in Shigaraki's touch.

And then he gets it. Shigaraki pushing his face into his hand and he's torn. At first he does it. He tightens his hold, bringing his fingers up just like he's seen so many times before. He lets Shigaraki hide behind his hand, but then he also uses it to turn his face a little, leaning in so he can try to look at him before slowly pulling his hand away. ]

Hey. Look at me.

[It's hard not to look at Dabi. Not with the way the other skillfully turned his head to face him, and not when he's leaning in close. A small quiver travels down Shigaraki's spine, remind him how the anxiety builds up with no outlet or distraction. He desperately wants Dabi to keep his hand on his face, to maintain some sort of normalcy.

But he's looking. Ruby red eyes wide and erratic from the nervous feelings.]

[ Dabi keeps his hand on Shigaraki's face- maybe not in the way the other man wants him to, but still there, touching him. He looks at him, red eyes locked with blue. ]

It's okay. I feel it too. It's okay.

[He gasps like he'd been holding onto his breath for so long. His face contorts into a frown and he bites his lip to stop him from shaking. All the bottled up feelings Shigaraki has? They're spilling out and it shows but he doesn't want to run away from this. He merely wants to stop it, to catch the pieces that are slipping apart and put a cork in the unstable emotions of his.]

I'm sorry.

[His voice breaks a little and he has to look away or else he just might fall apart in this bathtub.]

[ Dabi is watching it all play out on Shigaraki's face and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if what he's doing is too much, or too little and he can tell that Shigaraki might fall apart right here, right now.

He gets it. He really does. It's a lot of emotions all at once. Love is not something that comes easy to them and it can be a frightening thing, an anxious thing. The only love they know is riddled with abandonment. Feeling it has never felt like a good thing, even if it might be now. ]

Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for.

[He says, but he knows it's not enough. He remembers the other night and what Shigaraki did for him, what he said to him. He's already wrapped around the him so he can't really get closer, but there has to be something more he can do.]

How can I help you? Tell me what you need me to do. If you want my hand back on your face, put it there.

[Shigaraki doesn't respond to Dabi's questions. He can't. Not with all the unwanted fear building up inside of him. It feels like he's either going to drown or expel more of his feelings. He doesn't regret what he whispered into Dabi's skin. He meant it after all. But the feeling backfired badly on him. Love riddled with abandonment is one way to describe Shigaraki's life but fear of love would also accurately describe the issues pouring forth.

He breathes. In and out, in and then out. In and then hold it. Hold it for as long as he can before exhaling slow.

One hand goes to scratch at his shoulder but it stops just inches away from the skin. His fingers quiver as he fights the urge to go into his self destructive behaviors. Dabi's there for him. Father's not here. Shigaraki presses the knuckles to the skin instead and rubs slowly at the skin.]

I don't know.