creamation | (no subject)

[ He can practically feel the anxiety building up in Shigaraki. He starts tensing up, his breathing shifts, and he can feel that nervousness in Shigaraki's touch.

And then he gets it. Shigaraki pushing his face into his hand and he's torn. At first he does it. He tightens his hold, bringing his fingers up just like he's seen so many times before. He lets Shigaraki hide behind his hand, but then he also uses it to turn his face a little, leaning in so he can try to look at him before slowly pulling his hand away. ]

Hey. Look at me.

[It's hard not to look at Dabi. Not with the way the other skillfully turned his head to face him, and not when he's leaning in close. A small quiver travels down Shigaraki's spine, remind him how the anxiety builds up with no outlet or distraction. He desperately wants Dabi to keep his hand on his face, to maintain some sort of normalcy.

But he's looking. Ruby red eyes wide and erratic from the nervous feelings.]

[ Dabi keeps his hand on Shigaraki's face- maybe not in the way the other man wants him to, but still there, touching him. He looks at him, red eyes locked with blue. ]

It's okay. I feel it too. It's okay.

[He gasps like he'd been holding onto his breath for so long. His face contorts into a frown and he bites his lip to stop him from shaking. All the bottled up feelings Shigaraki has? They're spilling out and it shows but he doesn't want to run away from this. He merely wants to stop it, to catch the pieces that are slipping apart and put a cork in the unstable emotions of his.]

I'm sorry.

[His voice breaks a little and he has to look away or else he just might fall apart in this bathtub.]

[ Dabi is watching it all play out on Shigaraki's face and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if what he's doing is too much, or too little and he can tell that Shigaraki might fall apart right here, right now.

He gets it. He really does. It's a lot of emotions all at once. Love is not something that comes easy to them and it can be a frightening thing, an anxious thing. The only love they know is riddled with abandonment. Feeling it has never felt like a good thing, even if it might be now. ]

Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for.

[He says, but he knows it's not enough. He remembers the other night and what Shigaraki did for him, what he said to him. He's already wrapped around the him so he can't really get closer, but there has to be something more he can do.]

How can I help you? Tell me what you need me to do. If you want my hand back on your face, put it there.

[Shigaraki doesn't respond to Dabi's questions. He can't. Not with all the unwanted fear building up inside of him. It feels like he's either going to drown or expel more of his feelings. He doesn't regret what he whispered into Dabi's skin. He meant it after all. But the feeling backfired badly on him. Love riddled with abandonment is one way to describe Shigaraki's life but fear of love would also accurately describe the issues pouring forth.

He breathes. In and out, in and then out. In and then hold it. Hold it for as long as he can before exhaling slow.

One hand goes to scratch at his shoulder but it stops just inches away from the skin. His fingers quiver as he fights the urge to go into his self destructive behaviors. Dabi's there for him. Father's not here. Shigaraki presses the knuckles to the skin instead and rubs slowly at the skin.]

I don't know.

[ Dabi tries to keep his breathing steady enough that Shigaraki can follow it with him if he needs to. It's not much, but it's all Dabi knows he can offer without crowding him too much. He's already holding Shigaraki as much as he can without letting it become too overwhelming. ]

Okay. It's okay. I'm here for whatever you need.

[He doesn't reach out to stop Shigaraki when he goes to scratch his shoulder and it's a good thing too, because Shigaraki doesn't. For once, he doesn't and Dabi gently lays his fingers on the back of his hand.]

You're not alone. I'm scared shitless too, but we're in this together. I know I was gone for a couple of days but I came back, right? I'm never leaving you.

[The breathing helps Shigaraki follow along. It gives him a pace to copy and allows him to take his time. He doesn't know what to tell Dabi in terms of how to help him. Shigaraki's always handled his problems in violent ways or destroyed things he didn't like. Only Kurogiri, and Master, have ever successfully reeled in his tantrums. But this wasn't a tantrum this- this was a different kind of meltdown. One that he hasn't experienced since he was young.]

I don't know what to do.

[What are you supposed to do when the thing you fear the most is your feelings and yourself?]

You don't have to do anything. Not right now, not until... whenever. Doesn't matter.

[This fear? He's feeling it too. Not enough to give him a meltdown, thank fuck, because he already had one of those this week, but... being scared shitless? Yeah, he's completely honest about that. But Shigaraki's fear runs deep and Dabi knows how little words can do sometimes. ]

Nothing's gonna change because of how you feel. We're still gonna keep on doing exactly what we've always been doing and nothing's gonna fall apart. We're not the same as we used to be Tomura. Whatever hurt us in the past, it's not gonna hurt us now.

[It feels like his stomach is being dragged through a pit of broken glass. Each word threatening to slice or stab him right in the gut. The final blow never comes though, and he eases up on the tension building inside of him just a tiny bit. Still, even with this relief, Dabi's words are a lot to take in.]

Shut up. [He says softly without the usual malice.] Kiss me. Please.

[ Dabi tries to rationalize things- to make them more manageable. But Shigaraki needs more tangible things and Dabi should probably know that by now. He does know it, but he doesn't want to push anything more on Shigaraki.

But kissing he can do. Kissing he can always do, especially when it comes to the person in front of him. He shifts a little to get a better angle and leans in, pressing his lips against Shigaraki's, touching his fingers lightly along his jaw. ]

[He closes his eyes and focuses on pushing his anxiety away, trying to use the kiss as a distraction. It works. At first it's only Dabi doing the kissing, with Shigaraki struggling to return the feeling and pressure. But he manages to work his way there slowly. Unfortunately he does end up scratching a harsh line down from the top of his shoulder. There's no blood but it'd happened, and a single tear escapes his tired eyes from the taut tension.

When he's finally able to kiss back and match Dabi for the pressure he brings. He lingers there, waiting to make sure he'd dusted away the brokenness of his feelings before he pulls away.]

[ Dabi kisses Shigaraki softly at first, easing him into it. He doesn't want to push too much, but he wants to give him the distraction he needs. It's not long till he presses deeper into the kiss, waiting until the other kisses back. When he does, Dabi keeps it steady, working with each breath and heartbeat.

He breathes out softly agains Shigaraki's lips, hand still at his face even as they part. These feelings are brimming with fear, it's true, but there's also a lot more behind them and Dabi wants both of them to get to the point where they can feel the goodness in it too.

For Shigaraki, he would. ]

I need- I need to lay down.

[Between this bought of anxiety and the bathtub massage, he feels exhausted. Even more so then when he woke up with Dabi. Maybe he hasn't quite got himself put together but he doesn't want to leave Dabi, or for Dabi to leave him.]

Alright.

[He kisses Shigaraki again, then slowly starts to untangle, even though he really doesn't want to move away even the slightest. It's good. The longest he's ever stayed like this. But more so, the longest he's ever been able to give Shigaraki comfort as well, even if it all seems messy right now.

There's more to be cleaned, but they can get to that later, tomorrow, whenever they're feeling up to it. As long as Dabi can get them mostly functioning for now.

He stands up, helping Shigaraki up with him and grabs a towel, wrapping it around the other man's shoulders, rubbing gently. When Shigaraki has gotten a hold of his own towel, Dabi grabs one for himself as well, draping it around his shoulders before he steps out, helping Shigaraki out of the tub.]

I'll grab you something to wear, okay? Something clean.

[He kisses back out of instinct, not really thinking about what's going on or even where he is. So he lets himself be herded out of the bath. Normally he'd fuss and bitch about being coddled like this but he's still strung out from anxiety, from the build up of his emotions these past two days. Dabi says something but he doesn't entirely comprehend what he's talking about.

Instead of waiting for Dabi to get him clothes, he stumbles towards the bedroom. Perfectly content with laying down in the nude. He does too, flopping onto the mattress while he's still dripping wet.]

[ Dabi doesn't like the lack of bitching. As much as he normally scowls and bitches back, it's better to see Shigaraki like that, because he's more himself. Dabi doesn't know how else to break Shigaraki out of this trance he's in. He wishes he were better at this. He wishes he knew what to do.

He's not surprised when Shigaraki doesn't listen to him about clothes, but he goes to grab them anyway. Dabi dries off quickly and pulls some clothes on that he had left here in Shigaraki's room for 'emergencies' and then heads back over, grabbing the towel and drying Shigaraki off a little better, before pulling the blankets up around him.

He pauses, pushing his wet hair back off of his face, then gets up and goes to grab some of the medical things he's stored away, finding some cream for the wounds. He's not sure if Shigaraki will even let him, but he knows it'll help and he has to have a firm hand in this.

But when he comes back over, he sets it aside and sits, crossing his legs under him so he can move Shigaraki's head into his lap. ]

I can make those wounds feel better if you'll let me.

[It's a good thing he's laying down because Shigaraki feels dizzy and lightheaded. He blinks while staring up at Dabi, shaking his head no. He doesn't want the wounds to feel better. The better they feel, the more likely he is to scratch.]

No. I just need to lay down. [I'm ok. He wants to say when he knows he's not.]

You're already laying down. I'm gonna put this on some of them at least. You need it.

[Dabi isn't going to let him scratch anymore. Not like this. And he's going to make sure the wounds Shigaraki has don't get any worse. Firm hand, doing what's necessary, while running his fingers through Shigaraki's hair.]

Just close your eyes and relax.

I don't need it. That shit hurts.

[But he's too weakened to really fight with Dabi physically. It helps that Dabi's even going the extra mile to be soothing by running his fingers through Shigaraki's hair. Which feels even greasier after the bath being cut so short.]

Leave it alone, please?

Don't you like it when it hurts?

[Dabi counters, opening the cream up anyway. It's hard though, when Shigaraki says please. It's not a word used all that lightly between them and Dabi stops, letting out a long sigh.]

Why do you want me to stop? It'll feel better, it'll help them heal. [He frowns] I know you don't want them to feel better or heal, but that's not gonna help any of this. Stop punishing yourself. Just let me fucking take care of you. Please.

It stings. [Or in other words, it's the wrong kind of hurt. He bristles a little when Dabi uses the word please and tries his best to hold his ground. For a second, he looks like he might relent and let Dabi take care of him. Instead?

He changes the topic.]

Can't you just lay down and kiss it instead?

It doesn't sting, it's soothing cream. It takes away the sting.

[Shigaraki is frustrating as hell, but Dabi tries to be patient. He always is, even though he's frustrated. When Shigaraki asks him to lay there and kiss the wounds instead, he knows he's going to relent. He can read a lot about Shigaraki now, but Shigaraki also knows how to get to him too. ]

For now. But you have to stop scratching, alright? If you stop, I'll lay down with you and kiss them instead.

[He nods smally in Dabi's lap. They know how to push each other to get what they want. Sometimes what they want contradicts each other. Like now. Shigaraki wants Dabi to leave his wounds alone, Dabi wants to take care of them. There isn't a happy medium because if Shigaraki lets Dabi take care of them- there's still a small risk that he could get upset and reopen the wounds.]

You know I can't promise that.

I'm not asking you to promise me, Tomura. I'm just asking you to try.

[He caps the cream and sets it on his side of the mattress, then shifts until he's laid out next to Shigaraki, moving the blanket so it covers both of them. He moves a hand up Shigaraki's bare chest, stopping at his collarbone to rub his thumb gently against one of the older bruises that he left with his mouth.

He thinks of the quiet exchange of words in the bathtub and while it scares him too, he knows it doesn't make the truth of the words any less. The fact that they're so scared only makes it more real.]

When I was younger, I used to go back behind the house and catch frogs with my brother. The frogs would always start coming out at dusk and we would wait for them to start jumping around, watching from the window.

We'd gather a bucket of water and dig a hole, then moisten up the sand so we could build small houses that they could jump around in. We didn't have very many toys, but it was always fine, we didn't need them. We'd get creative when we could. Sometimes my sister would join us and she would always catch a lot more frogs than we would, but she let them go before we could even build anything. My brother would join in, setting the frogs free. That was their favorite part, I think. They were both younger than me.