[dabi was sharp. sharper than most. it really made things easy before, and if they had actually remained together, keigo would appreciate it. but now, it just leaves him exposed, cold almost, as he's forced to think of things he wants to forget.
after all, this is the one time of the week he doesn't have to think.]
I've been visiting for four weeks now. Every Saturday night.
[keigo admits softly. he hates that dabi can reduce him to this. he wants so easily to put on a fake smile and pretend. it was easier for keigo to play that part. he could hide and not show how scared and anxious he was.]
...I'm dying. A few months ago, I was given the diagnostics. I wasn't going to come back here. Just die and that be it.
[how annoying and pitiful. keigo hated it. really, what rotten luck he had. must have pissed off some deity or something.]
I'm tired of everyone bugging me to upload to San Junipero. So, to get them off my back, I agreed to do the trial run. That's why I'm here.
[four weeks, but only on saturdays till midnight, keigo had said. dabi wished he had known that little detail, but it's not as if he was ready to listen to all of this before when keigo first got here. he knows he probably should have gotten more information, but he was so hurt and angry.
but it's been months now, and he's been drowning. he's been killing himself and hurting himslef over and over again, and in the end all he's wanted is to fall into keigo's bed again and have things be like they used to be before the war. before keigo betrayed him.
how can it ever be like that again though? nothing is the same. he's dead for fucks sake.
but now, hearing that keigo is dying, he can tell there's nothing fake about that. he feels his throat closing up and it's like the ground bottoms out under him. it shouldn't bother him so much, or at all, really... but it does. it really fucking does.]
What kinda diagnosis?
[dabi swallows hard, looking away for a long moment, crossing his arms over his chest.]
I mean, two of them I didn’t do anything but hide and look around.
[he had been trying his best to keep dabi from seeing him, after all. he did given his word to allow his former lover to never see him again.
but if he ever lived here, it would have been bound to happen. and keigo knows he would have felt that urge to contact dabi.
it’s why he’s not considering living here. there’s no point to it. he just had to humor his friends back in reality.
they would understand if he chose not to live here permanently. he did give it a shot.
keigo immediately tenses up to dabi’s following question. he can’t tell him. no. not ever. it’s easier to lie. but dabi always could read him easily.
so he decides to try and shake it off, and hope dabi doesn’t pressure him.]
Just recklessness on my part. Heroes never live long, right?
[he tries terribly to lighten the mood. it’s keigo’s best feature, he tells himself. to play his role as the joker.
he’s not sure when he had averted his gaze, but he catches dabi doing the same and focuses back on his former lover.]
I was told a month. That was six weeks ago. So, any day now, I guess. If I agree to live here, I’m able to get euthanatized. But who wants that, right?
[Dabi is annoyed by that, though he doesn't quite know why. maybe because Keigo had been here the whole time he's been stuck here suffering. there's a part of him that wishes he would have known.]
Recklessness? What do you mean? What the fuck even happened once I... once I died?
[It's something he's told himself doesnt matter anymore, but he's been desperate to find out. did anything he did even mean something in the end?
he won't let Keigo lighten the mood. he hates it when the stupid bird does that. he knows it's just Keigo trying to hide. then again, did he ever really know anything about Keigo at all?]
Yeah, no point in living in the same place the fool you fucked over lives in. Why would you even bother?
[he can feel something painful snap inside of him and his chest hurts so badly. this is so fucking unfair. Keigo lied to him, he betrayed him, and Dabi hates this fucking place anyway... but he thinks its crazy that Keigo doesn't want to stay.]
So that's it? You were just gonna....
[he can feel the hot tears prickling at the back of his eyes, wanting to get out. he doesn't ever cry blood here anymore. he made sure of that. but this isn't any better and he fucking hates all of this now. what is he even supposed to do with this?
he can feel the tears finally come out and he wipes at them harshly, shaking his head.]
Fuck this.
[he says before he pushes past, heading away from Tuckers. he doesn't get far though before he stops again. what if this really is the last time?]
[of course he wanted to see his former lover. he was so addicted to dabi, since day one. it’s not anything he can admit so openly anymore though.
he’s sure it would only piss off dabi further.
keigo’s eyebrows furrow, golden pupils filling deep with hurt. he can’t tell dabi what happened. there’s no point to it. he was dying. nothing more to it.
dabi had enough on his mind here. keigo can’t help but worry for his former lover’s safety and mind. even if dabi despised him.
so pitifully, he keeps his mouth shut, allows dabi to speak everything on his mind while keigo takes it. but it absolutely breaks his heart when he catches those tears, a sight he never would expect to see from the other man.
why? why would dabi shed tears for him? he didn’t deserve it, right? there was no reason.
and it hurts so much that his former lover decides it’s too much and turns to leave. keigo wants to follow, not even sure what to say, but to just be close to dabi again.
could he get out those three words finally? probably not.
maybe it was a real mistake returning here...
but dabi stops, keigo realizes as he looks over his shoulder. why? why wasn’t he walking away? why was he tormenting keigo like this?
the hero wanted nothing more than to just run over and wrap his arms around dabi and-
he does it without thinking. the steps are rushed, hurried, until he bumps hard into dabi’s back. keigo wraps his arms firmly around the thin waist, body trembling, scared that his former lover would walk away. his face is buried too, eyes wet already, soaking into the dark clothes.
keigo can’t breathe. it all hurts. everything hurts. yet, holding dabi like this, it’s bittersweet.]
I don’t want this to be goodbye.
[he says through a broken hiccup. why was he always crying? why did dabi make him so weak? he so scared though. terrified even, that dabi would break away and leave. but he should expect it. he deserved this type of punishment.]
How fuckin' convenient that you suddenly cared about my feelings.
[dabi can't help but say. he could have used that honesty before. before keigo fucked it all up for them. why hadn't he just come clean? dabi had given him so many chances to do so. maybe that's what made it hurt even more. keigo lied to his face, time and time again.
how could he ever be expected to forgive any of that?
it's frustrating when keigo won't talk to him or tell him why he's dying or what happened after his own demise. he deserves to know that much at least. keigo owes him. but of course he won't even give that to him, even now.
dabi knows how stupid it is not to walk away. he should have pushed keigo out of his mind long ago. maybe he could have willed those memories away along with his scars and really just start over. but keigo had been the only good thing he ever had in his life. he had been the only thing that made him feel something other than anger and hatred.
until that day.
and yet, thinking that he might never actually see him again, after knowing keigo has been coming back to san junipero all this time, it's too much to bear. it's unbelievably shitty and unfair. he hates how impossible it feels to walk away.
it's when keigo is suddenly at his back, arms wrapped around him that dabi just about loses it. he's crying too, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes to try and make it stop, but he can't. everything has been so terrible here in this supposed paradise, and it's all because of keigo, in more ways than one.
keigo's arms around him feels like coming home, but this is the man who ruined everything. how can he possibly look past that?]
Then tell me the truth, Keigo. Everythin' from the start. I need to know what was real and what wasn't. I need to know the fuckin' truth.
[he can feel the way dabi moves to rub his eyes. instinctively, keigo can't help but to hold tighter to his former lover. he misses this so much. just getting to touch dabi, it stirs the emptiness inside of him. he won't ever get this chance again. he's a dead man knocking on death's door.
but, he tells himself, at least he's able to feel this one last time. it just seems so impossible to stay in san junipero when he knows how close his former love was. there's no point in staying alive forever when the man he loves and desires would want him gone. he couldn't do that to dabi.
still, he bared his heart out to his old love. keigo isn't even sure why. it's true that he's tired of lying to dabi. but, there's no benefit to admit something so deep when they're both so broken.
yet, as dabi speaks, giving him that one and final chance, keigo lifts his head up, chin against his former lover's back as he blinks away his tears. he never would have expected this. why...why would dabi even give him that much? instinctively, he holds the other man tighter before nodding his head.]
I'll tell you everything.
[no more reason to lie. no more hiding. no more pretending. keigo knows not to expect anything of it, but he wants to give dabi anything and everything, no matter how big or small. he just, he can't help it.]
Can we..somewhere more private? It'll take awhile to tell you it all.
[he asks with hesitation. it's not because he doesn't want to be alone with his old lover, since keigo would very much prefer that at any given chance. but, it's easier to talk to dabi and be himself without spying eyes on the two of them.]
[ it's been so long since he's had anyone hold him gently like this, or tightly like he means something. he's made sure it hasn't been that way here. he doesn't think he deserves it anyway.
clearly he never deserved it at all, seeing as how easily keigo took it away. but now with the other man at his back, it's hard to forget what that had felt like once upon a time.
it's painful, but he can't move out of keigo's hold.
he stays quiet for a long moment when keigo agrees to talk to him and when he's done wiping the remnants of the tears from his eyes, he gives a small nod. another moment before he can steel himself and turn his head to look behind him at keigo. ]
We can go to the place I've got. It's on the beach.
[it feels weird saying that. he's got an actual place- he can't call it a home, but it's a place. he's never really been able to invite keigo anywhere that's been his own. he supposes this isn't either because it doesn't actually exist, but it's what he's got.]
How much time we got left? Ya said midnight, right?
[it's almost too perfect like this. keigo didn't want to move. if there wasn't anyone possibly watching them, he would give all the honesty to dabi right then and there. but, they needed privacy. keigo can only be truthful and honest to dabi alone.
he doubts his former lover would allow him to touch like this again. it might be a struggle to actually pull away. honestly, he doesn't think he can do it.
how can he move away from the one thing that he's been craving for months now?
but, he does look up to meet dabi's gaze, giving a nod when the former villain mentions his own place. he kind of knew the specifics to it. a house to call your own. right now, he has a shabby and tiny apartment. something temporary. he doesn't spend much of any time within it. he's only been inside it once, honestly.
after all, he didn't need a home. this is...temporary.
at least, he keeps telling himself that.
but, dabi seems to have it nicely made for himself. unless the todorokis' were responsible for the home being placed on the beach. keigo wasn't exactly sure. they generally kept to themselves regarding the details of touya todoroki being placed in san junipero.
briefly, he looks to his wrist for the watch there.]
It's a little after nine-thirty. We have a few hours.
[that should be enough to explain it all. keigo hopes so, anyway. who knows if he would make it to next week. the line he was treading on was very thin by now. each day could be his last.]
[ dabi doesn't know if anyone's been watching him. he can't imagine anyone would be for any reason, but he doesn't know the ins and outs of this simulated world. anyway, if anyone was listening in on him or watching him, they would have surely seen how many times he's tried to kill himself already. they would have pulled his plug or whatever is connected, ages ago.
but now he realizes he would have never been here talking to keigo right now if he had been able to kill himself. he supposes if he had, though, none of this would matter anyway.
dabi's not sure how he ended up on the beach. he just assumes that's pretty much where everyone's decided to live. he had never been to a beach before, but he had always wanted to go to one. not like this, though. not completely alone. then again, he was always alone. natsuo tried his very hardest, but in the end that was taken away from him too.
but it doesn't matter here.
there's something inside of dabi that doesn't want to pull away either, but they have two and a half hours, just about, and while he doesn't expect it to take that long, he doesn't want to waste any time. not when he doesn't know the outcome of what this will be. so he's the one to pull out of keigo's hold. it's not like he wants the other man to think he's forgiven anyway. nowhere near close to it. ]
I walked half way then snagged a car and drove the rest'a the way. Come on.
[dabi tilts his head in the direction of where he parked, just about a block away. he shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his head down as he walks, side eying keigo along the way.]
I'd pick somewhere closer but every time I wake up after I try to off myself it's back at that place so it's no use.
[he says casually, because what's the difference if a dead person tries to kill themselves over and over again?]
[it's dabi who pulls away, and keigo allows it. what else could he do? he's getting to talk with his former lover again. that should be enough, right? dabi was never supposed to return in his life, after all. it's bittersweet though. two and a half hours for a final goodbye.
maybe he can go peacefully knowing that. everything just always hurts back in reality.
keigo finds himself almost reaching out to take dabi by the hand, but immediately returns it back to his side. no. he couldn't. he didn't have that right any longer. no more touching, he quietly lectures to himself while following in step with his former lover.]
Didn't know you could drive.
[he says with a small smile. keigo isn't sure why, but he always pictures dabi as a walker. or maybe a motorcycle kind of guy. one really could have anything and everything here in this life.
keigo does find it mildly curious when dabi comes to admit more about his home. of course, it's hard to not flinch hearing him mention that he kills himself. can't blame the guy though. must be hell here without a purpose. it's exactly why keigo doesn't agree so easily to immortality.]
Can't really explain why it's chosen for you. I only know maybe half the mechanics of this place. They're constantly working on it before it goes open to the public.
I can't. I mean... I couldn't. Not when I was alive. Doesn't really matter here, though. Car just kinda does what I want it to do.
[he only figured that out once keigo had come to see him that first time and he was able to will his scars back. he figured maybe he could will other things too, like driving and it had worked. he drove himself off a cliff one time anyway, but that was by choice.
he's never thought about a motorcycle, actually. maybe that really would suit him more, but he's pretty sure he'd puke on himself.
dabi swallows hard as keigo starts talking about this place. it's what he's been dying to hear, even if it's hard to hear. he'd rather know the truth of it all and what's actually going on than be left in the dark.]
So I got stuck here cause Endeavor pulled strings, huh. Always pulling strings in his favor. Guess he finally showed up to one'a my deaths. Apparently he was too busy for the first one.
[he's sure endeavor and the rest of his family has probably been feeding everyone lies. dabi died and they come off as the poor family. the family grieving over their long lost son who turned out to be a villain. poor fucking them. if only everyone really knew the truth. if only keigo did, but he doubts it even matters anymore.
keigo should have seen the truth back then already. ]
Sounds generally what I've been told. As long as you will it, this place makes it happen. Within their terms and service.
[he's pretty positive there wasn't any killing allowed and other rules like that. after all, it's supposed to be a utopia.
keigo looks over to dabi as the former villain brings up his father. honestly, the number two hero has been avoiding the man. at least, he was until he became bedridden. then, he had no choice but to listen to endeavor. he tried to keep an open mind, but honestly, his heart fell in line to dabi. and in a way, it hurt that the man he grew up believing was his true hero was part of something a little more sinister.]
He has the money and power to do what he wants.
[it's said a little sourly. keigo tries to remain neutral about it all, but he's had more than enough time to process what was said and told.]
...he asked about you, when he discovered I came in here. I didn't tell him anything that was said. Told him I couldn't find you. He's one of the few persuading my old handlers to get me to stay here full-time.
[whether as a friendly gesture or sinister plot, he's not sure. on the front, he sees a man desperate to atone for his errors. but, endeavor's gaze and touch always lingers. like the number one hero knows that keigo has secrets pertaining to touya todoroki.]
[whole lot of bullshit if you ask him, but apparently no one has asked him anything. maybe that's the worst part of it. he hasn't tried to kill anyone, though. has no reason to do so. that was never actually his goal in the first place, but that's kinda just what happened.
he hadn't even killed anyone until he joined the league, but that doesn't matter either.
dabi's gaze hardens when keigo responds to him about endeavor. it's hard not to react that way.]
He's always used his money and power to get what he's wanted, especially when it came to hiding all his abuse. So fuckin' good at hidin' the truth from everyone.
[ When keigo goes on about how the old man had asked about him, he stops, eyes blazing blue. he narrows them, pulling his hands out of his pockets, hands clenching at his sides.]
What? Why? He knows I'm here and he's pushin' you to stay here too? What the fuck?
[but it's a good thing, isn't it? he's not sure he just wants keigo to disappear. coming from endeavor, though, it seems strange, especially after all that's happened.]
They really don't tell you much of their rules. Well, they haven't told me much. Just the basics, I suppose.
[he's always given the run around, told to be patient and enjoy his new life. he remembers being skeptical, but if dabi was here, along with a few other people, it must be true. doesn't mean he wanted it.
what he really wants, he can't have. and no one on the outside seems to get that.
dabi speaks so truthfully about endeavor, keigo notes to himself. he wonders though, if he had listened closer, if he would have put two and two together. keigo had been such a fan of endeavor back then. it's kind of...pathetic, when he looks back on it.
on one hand, he had a man who put away his criminal father. who saved him from such a rotten life and gave him a chance. but on the other, he sees a man who abused his family and power.
the same power he would hide up anything if he could, keigo supposed. the hero would like to believe that endeavor was changing for the better, but it felt so odd. endeavor's eyes never seemed sad or apologetic. though, he has to give the man credit. he could put on some waterworks for his family.
as dabi stops, keigo does too, looking to the once villain with worried eyes. he's starting to regret bringing up the number one hero when he sees the way dabi clenches his fist.]
I don't know. He visits me everyday in the hospital and tries talking about it. I try and pretend to sleep most of the time though.
[it's the urging from the number one that gets keigo to not trust endeavor as much. sure, he was on the edge of death, but it just didn't feel right to euthanize himself.]
Then how's the fuck anyone supposed to know if ya break em? Seems like they'd tell the people who actually probably got a choice.
[which they probably did, but maybe keigo was too preoccupied with everything else. being in san junipero wasn't supposed to be a trick. dabi's just one of the unlucky ones who didn't get asked whether he wanted it or not. he feels unlucky anyway. he would have wanted to just stay dead.
but this thing with keigo definitely feels like a trick, and dabi is suddenly wary all over again. what were they trying to do? is this all a lie? is he really in prison and they're trying to get shit out of him through keigo?
his mind is reeling once again, and he shakes his head, glancing around them suspiciously.
Is he listening? Can they fucking hear us? Are they in my head?
[it's a bad idea. all of it. he's not sure what's happening with keigo back in the real world either, but maybe it's all just a part of this lie. it feels wrong, and dabi doesn't want to fall for it again. he keeps shaking his head and he starts backing away from keigo. he feels like he's going crazy. he doesn't know what's real and what's not, what he can trust and what he can't. all this time of being here alone like this is getting to him too. ]
Don't see any police or heroes running around. Maybe it's just impossible to break them.
[being the hero and villain here, keigo would have expected dabi to be breaking more rules than himself. he's only danced and got drunk off his ass. nothing more than that.
their talk isn't improving, not when dabi begins to react in that manner. it's not that it catches keigo off guard, considering their recent history. still though, the hero is left eying the once villain, trying to figure out what to say or do to calm him down.
he's been accused of this before, but back then, his alliance was with the heroes. not now though. now, he only aligned with himself.]
Dabi-
[keigo tries to start, but then his former lover backs away. the hero doesn't dare make a step forward or back, remains planted in place.]
You don't have to say anything about yourself. I'm telling you everything from the beginning. But I'm positive they can't hear us. If they did, Endeavor wouldn't be breathing down my neck every damn day to find out about you.
Pretty sure everyone at the Quagmire has broken a bunch'a rules.
[but maybe they're different here. who even knows? would killing someone even count as that if the person just healed or came Back right away? does anyone need to steal when they can just think up what they want?
that part doesn't matter as much though when they've switched to this.
he has no reason to trust anyone or anything anymore, but he's just supposed to believe this? he hates this feeling of uncertainty and the anger that comes along with it. he's so ready to fight again.
but he still wants to hear the truth and as blinded as he feels by his uncertainty and lack of trust, he might want the rest of this more.
they don't have a lot of time.
he still looks at Keigo with intensely untrusting eyes, but his hands unclench and he glances around again before he moves forward towards the car again.]
Ya better not be lyin' to me again or you'll be San Junipero's first actual death.
[it's hard to not look away when dabi brings up that club. it does earn a small huff from the hero though.]
Pretty sure that entire club should be against the rules.
[but, then again, he's not accustomed to such a wild life. the wildest shit he's ever got himself into was literately in front of him.
like dabi to him, keigo can't help but return the same untrusting gaze. it didn't mean he disliked his ex-lover, because those feelings were very strong. however, dabi did prove to know more than he let on before, and he used enough fire to practically kill him.
still, he follows after dabi, but maybe not as close as before.]
Maybe dying here will kill me in real life too. Sounds pretty tempting to lie just to test that theory.
[he makes a poor attempt to lighten the mood. but, whether or not it's his actual feelings, he tries to not let on.]
You want me to start when my handlers ordered me to infiltrate the League? Or when I became involved with them?
[ he remembers last time and the way Keigo reacted to someone being on him. it felt so good to make Keigo pay like that. how he longed to do it again.
Dabi doesnt know why keigo would bother being untrusting of him. the other man is the one with all the power here. He's the one who knows everything and is still alive in the real world. maybe Keigo just feels guilty. maybe he knows more than he's letting on.
Dabi knows it's stupid to trust him again , but what choice does he have?]
You think that's fuckin' funny after everything you've done?
[very poor attempt, especially knowing how skittish Dabi is about this now. there are a million other things that Keigo could try to say to make Dabi feel better, but of course he takes the shitty route.]
Thought you wanted to get somewhere more private first.
It's not being prudish when I don't find the appeal of being fucked in front of a hundred people.
[of course, he casually tries to not consider how aroused he was during their first fuck, up against that window. trying to not get caught had drove him insane with pleasure.
still. he felt bitter towards his first experience with the quagmire and had no intentions of returning to it. catching dabi getting his dick sucked had left a sour taste in his mouth. he was truthful when he previously stated he couldn't bare to see his former lover with anyone intimately.
that leaves the question if dabi could do the same for him. if he were to take the offer to live here and casually met someone, or even if keigo fucked around, would dabi have an issue with that? they weren't together any longer. he should have that right. not to mention, he didn't intend to hang around dabi's spots either.
avoiding his former lover was probably for the best, wasn't it? even if keigo was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
it's not anything he needs an answer for now, honestly. keigo's mind and heart still aligned towards dying within his hospital bed.
of course, making a joke about death apparently was met with agitation. tough crowd. keigo doesn't try to recover from it, only shrugs his shoulders. he had no intentions of lying to dabi. there's no need for it here.]
We can start in your car. It's private in there.
[keigo answers instead, looking on ahead down the street, wondering if any of the vehicles before them belonged to dabi.]
Sure doesn't mean it should be against the rules though, just cause you don't like it. Don't expect much else from a pro-hero, though.
[he says it with all the disdain in the world. it's something so deeply engrained in him now. all the fakeness of all the pro-heroes, with keigo to add into the mix now.
dabi has every intention of returning to the quagmire, because... well, he knows how damn broken he is. he knows he'll need it if only to get ruined, because what else can he possibly do here? keigo ruined the last bit of him that might've been salvageable. that's how he feels, anyway.
he doesn't think about what would happen if keigo stayed here or not. he's still struggling with the information that keigo is dying. that he might disappear forever.]
Fine. Whatever. Don't give a shit about your precious hero commission. Just want you to tell the truth from the start. The start of us.
[though he hates calling it that.
they come up to a sleek black convertible with a dark gray interior. it's fancier than anything dabi has ever been used to, but why not have it here?
[keigo replies with a hint of coldness to his tone. he’s not going to argue with his former lover over this. it’s a tango he’s familiar with, and one he doesn’t want to repeat.
considering keigo is positive it’ll come up again during their conversation to be had.
maybe eventually he’d warm up to the quagmire. however, it’s not his club to enjoy. he would avoid it at all costs if he does stay here. dabi seems to prefer it. keigo assumes so, anyway.
as soon as dabi states what he wants to keigo, the hero nods his head. it was fine by him. he didn’t like bringing up the hero commission and their position in his life. but, he does feel warmth hit his chest over the way dabi says us.
but before he can start, they come up to a black, sleek convertible. honestly, it looks intimidating and sexy. kind of like dabi. not needing to be told twice, keigo slips into the car. he feels so small inside of it, and finds himself squirming as he tries to get comfortable.]
Well, at the start of us, I actually hated sex. The first time I got on my knees, I thought I’d hate it just like always. But then, I’m not sure, it felt...good. Like really good.
[it’s a little embarrassing to admit this. he’s only known this himself, never told a soul before.]
I never told my handlers about us. I didn’t tell anyone. I just...wanted to keep us to myself.
[he says it coldly right back. as far as dabi is concerned, keigo is the one that cut things off between them. he doesn't get to say shit about it.
he doubts keigo would ever like the quagmire. he knows how high and mighty pro-heroes like to be. dabi doesn't know what he likes anymore. all he knows is he does whatever he can to get him fucked up enough not to have to think about any of it.
dabi slides into the car and starts it up like he thinks he should. the thought up car does all the work though, and really all dabi needs is the basic knowledge from the few racing video games he played with shigaraki. when he sits in this car he always wonders what happened to him. what had happened to all of them.
he said he didn't care back then, but he spent enough time with them that he had gotten used to their company. maybe they're all dead too, though. they definitely wouldn't have gotten the chance to come here. good for them. dying in peace if much better than this.]
I don't give a shit about what felt good or not for you. I wanna know what they told you to do. I wanna know how it all started from the very beginning. Your orders to infiltrate the league, your job, all the fucking lies you told. I want you to tell me the truth from the start I fucking said. Don't wanna hear about how you liked gettin' down on your knees.
[immediately, keigo is struck with a stinging pain just hearing dabi say such cold words. he has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep his mouth shut, to try and ignore the ache there.
he’s starting to think this was all a mistake. what he felt and saw coming out of the club against how they generally act now, it was almost like two separate things.
he could ignore it. should ignore it. because they’re both hurting in their own way, but dabi keeps going, and keigo can’t sit there and take it.
turning his head, keigo sends a sharp but wet look to his former lover.]
Let’s get something straight, Dabi. I don’t have to tell you shit. I can walk away from all of this if you’re going to be an asshole the entire time.
[he dealt with enough crap while dying in that shitty hospital bed. this is his one last time to have fun and he’s here, dealing with this jerk.]
I’m not here seeking forgiveness or trying to get back in your good graces. Hell, I might die before midnight. I’m doing this because I still care for you. So ask for what you want like a normal fucking person instead of treating me like I’m worthless.
[because he can’t do this. not in that manner. not with them being spiteful and cold.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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after all, this is the one time of the week he doesn't have to think.]
I've been visiting for four weeks now. Every Saturday night.
[keigo admits softly. he hates that dabi can reduce him to this. he wants so easily to put on a fake smile and pretend. it was easier for keigo to play that part. he could hide and not show how scared and anxious he was.]
...I'm dying. A few months ago, I was given the diagnostics. I wasn't going to come back here. Just die and that be it.
[how annoying and pitiful. keigo hated it. really, what rotten luck he had. must have pissed off some deity or something.]
I'm tired of everyone bugging me to upload to San Junipero. So, to get them off my back, I agreed to do the trial run. That's why I'm here.
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[four weeks, but only on saturdays till midnight, keigo had said. dabi wished he had known that little detail, but it's not as if he was ready to listen to all of this before when keigo first got here. he knows he probably should have gotten more information, but he was so hurt and angry.
but it's been months now, and he's been drowning. he's been killing himself and hurting himslef over and over again, and in the end all he's wanted is to fall into keigo's bed again and have things be like they used to be before the war. before keigo betrayed him.
how can it ever be like that again though? nothing is the same. he's dead for fucks sake.
but now, hearing that keigo is dying, he can tell there's nothing fake about that. he feels his throat closing up and it's like the ground bottoms out under him. it shouldn't bother him so much, or at all, really... but it does. it really fucking does.]
What kinda diagnosis?
[dabi swallows hard, looking away for a long moment, crossing his arms over his chest.]
Fuck.
Fuck, Keigo. How much fuckin' longer.
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[he had been trying his best to keep dabi from seeing him, after all. he did given his word to allow his former lover to never see him again.
but if he ever lived here, it would have been bound to happen. and keigo knows he would have felt that urge to contact dabi.
it’s why he’s not considering living here. there’s no point to it. he just had to humor his friends back in reality.
they would understand if he chose not to live here permanently. he did give it a shot.
keigo immediately tenses up to dabi’s following question. he can’t tell him. no. not ever. it’s easier to lie. but dabi always could read him easily.
so he decides to try and shake it off, and hope dabi doesn’t pressure him.]
Just recklessness on my part. Heroes never live long, right?
[he tries terribly to lighten the mood. it’s keigo’s best feature, he tells himself. to play his role as the joker.
he’s not sure when he had averted his gaze, but he catches dabi doing the same and focuses back on his former lover.]
I was told a month. That was six weeks ago. So, any day now, I guess. If I agree to live here, I’m able to get euthanatized. But who wants that, right?
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[Dabi is annoyed by that, though he doesn't quite know why. maybe because Keigo had been here the whole time he's been stuck here suffering. there's a part of him that wishes he would have known.]
Recklessness? What do you mean? What the fuck even happened once I... once I died?
[It's something he's told himself doesnt matter anymore, but he's been desperate to find out. did anything he did even mean something in the end?
he won't let Keigo lighten the mood. he hates it when the stupid bird does that. he knows it's just Keigo trying to hide. then again, did he ever really know anything about Keigo at all?]
Yeah, no point in living in the same place the fool you fucked over lives in. Why would you even bother?
[he can feel something painful snap inside of him and his chest hurts so badly. this is so fucking unfair. Keigo lied to him, he betrayed him, and Dabi hates this fucking place anyway... but he thinks its crazy that Keigo doesn't want to stay.]
So that's it? You were just gonna....
[he can feel the hot tears prickling at the back of his eyes, wanting to get out. he doesn't ever cry blood here anymore. he made sure of that. but this isn't any better and he fucking hates all of this now. what is he even supposed to do with this?
he can feel the tears finally come out and he wipes at them harshly, shaking his head.]
Fuck this.
[he says before he pushes past, heading away from Tuckers. he doesn't get far though before he stops again. what if this really is the last time?]
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[of course he wanted to see his former lover. he was so addicted to dabi, since day one. it’s not anything he can admit so openly anymore though.
he’s sure it would only piss off dabi further.
keigo’s eyebrows furrow, golden pupils filling deep with hurt. he can’t tell dabi what happened. there’s no point to it. he was dying. nothing more to it.
dabi had enough on his mind here. keigo can’t help but worry for his former lover’s safety and mind. even if dabi despised him.
so pitifully, he keeps his mouth shut, allows dabi to speak everything on his mind while keigo takes it. but it absolutely breaks his heart when he catches those tears, a sight he never would expect to see from the other man.
why? why would dabi shed tears for him? he didn’t deserve it, right? there was no reason.
and it hurts so much that his former lover decides it’s too much and turns to leave. keigo wants to follow, not even sure what to say, but to just be close to dabi again.
could he get out those three words finally? probably not.
maybe it was a real mistake returning here...
but dabi stops, keigo realizes as he looks over his shoulder. why? why wasn’t he walking away? why was he tormenting keigo like this?
the hero wanted nothing more than to just run over and wrap his arms around dabi and-
he does it without thinking. the steps are rushed, hurried, until he bumps hard into dabi’s back. keigo wraps his arms firmly around the thin waist, body trembling, scared that his former lover would walk away. his face is buried too, eyes wet already, soaking into the dark clothes.
keigo can’t breathe. it all hurts. everything hurts. yet, holding dabi like this, it’s bittersweet.]
I don’t want this to be goodbye.
[he says through a broken hiccup. why was he always crying? why did dabi make him so weak? he so scared though. terrified even, that dabi would break away and leave. but he should expect it. he deserved this type of punishment.]
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[dabi can't help but say. he could have used that honesty before. before keigo fucked it all up for them. why hadn't he just come clean? dabi had given him so many chances to do so. maybe that's what made it hurt even more. keigo lied to his face, time and time again.
how could he ever be expected to forgive any of that?
it's frustrating when keigo won't talk to him or tell him why he's dying or what happened after his own demise. he deserves to know that much at least. keigo owes him. but of course he won't even give that to him, even now.
dabi knows how stupid it is not to walk away. he should have pushed keigo out of his mind long ago. maybe he could have willed those memories away along with his scars and really just start over. but keigo had been the only good thing he ever had in his life. he had been the only thing that made him feel something other than anger and hatred.
until that day.
and yet, thinking that he might never actually see him again, after knowing keigo has been coming back to san junipero all this time, it's too much to bear. it's unbelievably shitty and unfair. he hates how impossible it feels to walk away.
it's when keigo is suddenly at his back, arms wrapped around him that dabi just about loses it. he's crying too, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes to try and make it stop, but he can't. everything has been so terrible here in this supposed paradise, and it's all because of keigo, in more ways than one.
keigo's arms around him feels like coming home, but this is the man who ruined everything. how can he possibly look past that?]
Then tell me the truth, Keigo. Everythin' from the start. I need to know what was real and what wasn't. I need to know the fuckin' truth.
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but, he tells himself, at least he's able to feel this one last time. it just seems so impossible to stay in san junipero when he knows how close his former love was. there's no point in staying alive forever when the man he loves and desires would want him gone. he couldn't do that to dabi.
still, he bared his heart out to his old love. keigo isn't even sure why. it's true that he's tired of lying to dabi. but, there's no benefit to admit something so deep when they're both so broken.
yet, as dabi speaks, giving him that one and final chance, keigo lifts his head up, chin against his former lover's back as he blinks away his tears. he never would have expected this. why...why would dabi even give him that much? instinctively, he holds the other man tighter before nodding his head.]
I'll tell you everything.
[no more reason to lie. no more hiding. no more pretending. keigo knows not to expect anything of it, but he wants to give dabi anything and everything, no matter how big or small. he just, he can't help it.]
Can we..somewhere more private? It'll take awhile to tell you it all.
[he asks with hesitation. it's not because he doesn't want to be alone with his old lover, since keigo would very much prefer that at any given chance. but, it's easier to talk to dabi and be himself without spying eyes on the two of them.]
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clearly he never deserved it at all, seeing as how easily keigo took it away. but now with the other man at his back, it's hard to forget what that had felt like once upon a time.
it's painful, but he can't move out of keigo's hold.
he stays quiet for a long moment when keigo agrees to talk to him and when he's done wiping the remnants of the tears from his eyes, he gives a small nod. another moment before he can steel himself and turn his head to look behind him at keigo. ]
We can go to the place I've got. It's on the beach.
[it feels weird saying that. he's got an actual place- he can't call it a home, but it's a place. he's never really been able to invite keigo anywhere that's been his own. he supposes this isn't either because it doesn't actually exist, but it's what he's got.]
How much time we got left? Ya said midnight, right?
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he doubts his former lover would allow him to touch like this again. it might be a struggle to actually pull away. honestly, he doesn't think he can do it.
how can he move away from the one thing that he's been craving for months now?
but, he does look up to meet dabi's gaze, giving a nod when the former villain mentions his own place. he kind of knew the specifics to it. a house to call your own. right now, he has a shabby and tiny apartment. something temporary. he doesn't spend much of any time within it. he's only been inside it once, honestly.
after all, he didn't need a home. this is...temporary.
at least, he keeps telling himself that.
but, dabi seems to have it nicely made for himself. unless the todorokis' were responsible for the home being placed on the beach. keigo wasn't exactly sure. they generally kept to themselves regarding the details of touya todoroki being placed in san junipero.
briefly, he looks to his wrist for the watch there.]
It's a little after nine-thirty. We have a few hours.
[that should be enough to explain it all. keigo hopes so, anyway. who knows if he would make it to next week. the line he was treading on was very thin by now. each day could be his last.]
It's not far?
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but now he realizes he would have never been here talking to keigo right now if he had been able to kill himself. he supposes if he had, though, none of this would matter anyway.
dabi's not sure how he ended up on the beach. he just assumes that's pretty much where everyone's decided to live. he had never been to a beach before, but he had always wanted to go to one. not like this, though. not completely alone. then again, he was always alone. natsuo tried his very hardest, but in the end that was taken away from him too.
but it doesn't matter here.
there's something inside of dabi that doesn't want to pull away either, but they have two and a half hours, just about, and while he doesn't expect it to take that long, he doesn't want to waste any time. not when he doesn't know the outcome of what this will be. so he's the one to pull out of keigo's hold. it's not like he wants the other man to think he's forgiven anyway. nowhere near close to it. ]
I walked half way then snagged a car and drove the rest'a the way. Come on.
[dabi tilts his head in the direction of where he parked, just about a block away. he shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps his head down as he walks, side eying keigo along the way.]
I'd pick somewhere closer but every time I wake up after I try to off myself it's back at that place so it's no use.
[he says casually, because what's the difference if a dead person tries to kill themselves over and over again?]
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maybe he can go peacefully knowing that. everything just always hurts back in reality.
keigo finds himself almost reaching out to take dabi by the hand, but immediately returns it back to his side. no. he couldn't. he didn't have that right any longer. no more touching, he quietly lectures to himself while following in step with his former lover.]
Didn't know you could drive.
[he says with a small smile. keigo isn't sure why, but he always pictures dabi as a walker. or maybe a motorcycle kind of guy. one really could have anything and everything here in this life.
keigo does find it mildly curious when dabi comes to admit more about his home. of course, it's hard to not flinch hearing him mention that he kills himself. can't blame the guy though. must be hell here without a purpose. it's exactly why keigo doesn't agree so easily to immortality.]
Can't really explain why it's chosen for you. I only know maybe half the mechanics of this place. They're constantly working on it before it goes open to the public.
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[he only figured that out once keigo had come to see him that first time and he was able to will his scars back. he figured maybe he could will other things too, like driving and it had worked. he drove himself off a cliff one time anyway, but that was by choice.
he's never thought about a motorcycle, actually. maybe that really would suit him more, but he's pretty sure he'd puke on himself.
dabi swallows hard as keigo starts talking about this place. it's what he's been dying to hear, even if it's hard to hear. he'd rather know the truth of it all and what's actually going on than be left in the dark.]
So I got stuck here cause Endeavor pulled strings, huh. Always pulling strings in his favor. Guess he finally showed up to one'a my deaths. Apparently he was too busy for the first one.
[he's sure endeavor and the rest of his family has probably been feeding everyone lies. dabi died and they come off as the poor family. the family grieving over their long lost son who turned out to be a villain. poor fucking them. if only everyone really knew the truth. if only keigo did, but he doubts it even matters anymore.
keigo should have seen the truth back then already. ]
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[he's pretty positive there wasn't any killing allowed and other rules like that. after all, it's supposed to be a utopia.
keigo looks over to dabi as the former villain brings up his father. honestly, the number two hero has been avoiding the man. at least, he was until he became bedridden. then, he had no choice but to listen to endeavor. he tried to keep an open mind, but honestly, his heart fell in line to dabi. and in a way, it hurt that the man he grew up believing was his true hero was part of something a little more sinister.]
He has the money and power to do what he wants.
[it's said a little sourly. keigo tries to remain neutral about it all, but he's had more than enough time to process what was said and told.]
...he asked about you, when he discovered I came in here. I didn't tell him anything that was said. Told him I couldn't find you. He's one of the few persuading my old handlers to get me to stay here full-time.
[whether as a friendly gesture or sinister plot, he's not sure. on the front, he sees a man desperate to atone for his errors. but, endeavor's gaze and touch always lingers. like the number one hero knows that keigo has secrets pertaining to touya todoroki.]
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[whole lot of bullshit if you ask him, but apparently no one has asked him anything. maybe that's the worst part of it. he hasn't tried to kill anyone, though. has no reason to do so. that was never actually his goal in the first place, but that's kinda just what happened.
he hadn't even killed anyone until he joined the league, but that doesn't matter either.
dabi's gaze hardens when keigo responds to him about endeavor. it's hard not to react that way.]
He's always used his money and power to get what he's wanted, especially when it came to hiding all his abuse. So fuckin' good at hidin' the truth from everyone.
[ When keigo goes on about how the old man had asked about him, he stops, eyes blazing blue. he narrows them, pulling his hands out of his pockets, hands clenching at his sides.]
What? Why? He knows I'm here and he's pushin' you to stay here too? What the fuck?
[but it's a good thing, isn't it? he's not sure he just wants keigo to disappear. coming from endeavor, though, it seems strange, especially after all that's happened.]
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[he's always given the run around, told to be patient and enjoy his new life. he remembers being skeptical, but if dabi was here, along with a few other people, it must be true. doesn't mean he wanted it.
what he really wants, he can't have. and no one on the outside seems to get that.
dabi speaks so truthfully about endeavor, keigo notes to himself. he wonders though, if he had listened closer, if he would have put two and two together. keigo had been such a fan of endeavor back then. it's kind of...pathetic, when he looks back on it.
on one hand, he had a man who put away his criminal father. who saved him from such a rotten life and gave him a chance. but on the other, he sees a man who abused his family and power.
the same power he would hide up anything if he could, keigo supposed. the hero would like to believe that endeavor was changing for the better, but it felt so odd. endeavor's eyes never seemed sad or apologetic. though, he has to give the man credit. he could put on some waterworks for his family.
as dabi stops, keigo does too, looking to the once villain with worried eyes. he's starting to regret bringing up the number one hero when he sees the way dabi clenches his fist.]
I don't know. He visits me everyday in the hospital and tries talking about it. I try and pretend to sleep most of the time though.
[it's the urging from the number one that gets keigo to not trust endeavor as much. sure, he was on the edge of death, but it just didn't feel right to euthanize himself.]
Can't exactly run from him anymore.
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[which they probably did, but maybe keigo was too preoccupied with everything else. being in san junipero wasn't supposed to be a trick. dabi's just one of the unlucky ones who didn't get asked whether he wanted it or not. he feels unlucky anyway. he would have wanted to just stay dead.
but this thing with keigo definitely feels like a trick, and dabi is suddenly wary all over again. what were they trying to do? is this all a lie? is he really in prison and they're trying to get shit out of him through keigo?
his mind is reeling once again, and he shakes his head, glancing around them suspiciously.
Is he listening? Can they fucking hear us? Are they in my head?
[it's a bad idea. all of it. he's not sure what's happening with keigo back in the real world either, but maybe it's all just a part of this lie. it feels wrong, and dabi doesn't want to fall for it again. he keeps shaking his head and he starts backing away from keigo. he feels like he's going crazy. he doesn't know what's real and what's not, what he can trust and what he can't. all this time of being here alone like this is getting to him too. ]
What are ya tryin'a find out from me?
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[being the hero and villain here, keigo would have expected dabi to be breaking more rules than himself. he's only danced and got drunk off his ass. nothing more than that.
their talk isn't improving, not when dabi begins to react in that manner. it's not that it catches keigo off guard, considering their recent history. still though, the hero is left eying the once villain, trying to figure out what to say or do to calm him down.
he's been accused of this before, but back then, his alliance was with the heroes. not now though. now, he only aligned with himself.]
Dabi-
[keigo tries to start, but then his former lover backs away. the hero doesn't dare make a step forward or back, remains planted in place.]
You don't have to say anything about yourself. I'm telling you everything from the beginning. But I'm positive they can't hear us. If they did, Endeavor wouldn't be breathing down my neck every damn day to find out about you.
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[but maybe they're different here. who even knows? would killing someone even count as that if the person just healed or came Back right away? does anyone need to steal when they can just think up what they want?
that part doesn't matter as much though when they've switched to this.
he has no reason to trust anyone or anything anymore, but he's just supposed to believe this? he hates this feeling of uncertainty and the anger that comes along with it. he's so ready to fight again.
but he still wants to hear the truth and as blinded as he feels by his uncertainty and lack of trust, he might want the rest of this more.
they don't have a lot of time.
he still looks at Keigo with intensely untrusting eyes, but his hands unclench and he glances around again before he moves forward towards the car again.]
Ya better not be lyin' to me again or you'll be San Junipero's first actual death.
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Pretty sure that entire club should be against the rules.
[but, then again, he's not accustomed to such a wild life. the wildest shit he's ever got himself into was literately in front of him.
like dabi to him, keigo can't help but return the same untrusting gaze. it didn't mean he disliked his ex-lover, because those feelings were very strong. however, dabi did prove to know more than he let on before, and he used enough fire to practically kill him.
still, he follows after dabi, but maybe not as close as before.]
Maybe dying here will kill me in real life too. Sounds pretty tempting to lie just to test that theory.
[he makes a poor attempt to lighten the mood. but, whether or not it's his actual feelings, he tries to not let on.]
You want me to start when my handlers ordered me to infiltrate the League? Or when I became involved with them?
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[ he remembers last time and the way Keigo reacted to someone being on him. it felt so good to make Keigo pay like that. how he longed to do it again.
Dabi doesnt know why keigo would bother being untrusting of him. the other man is the one with all the power here. He's the one who knows everything and is still alive in the real world. maybe Keigo just feels guilty. maybe he knows more than he's letting on.
Dabi knows it's stupid to trust him again , but what choice does he have?]
You think that's fuckin' funny after everything you've done?
[very poor attempt, especially knowing how skittish Dabi is about this now. there are a million other things that Keigo could try to say to make Dabi feel better, but of course he takes the shitty route.]
Thought you wanted to get somewhere more private first.
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[of course, he casually tries to not consider how aroused he was during their first fuck, up against that window. trying to not get caught had drove him insane with pleasure.
still. he felt bitter towards his first experience with the quagmire and had no intentions of returning to it. catching dabi getting his dick sucked had left a sour taste in his mouth. he was truthful when he previously stated he couldn't bare to see his former lover with anyone intimately.
that leaves the question if dabi could do the same for him. if he were to take the offer to live here and casually met someone, or even if keigo fucked around, would dabi have an issue with that? they weren't together any longer. he should have that right. not to mention, he didn't intend to hang around dabi's spots either.
avoiding his former lover was probably for the best, wasn't it? even if keigo was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
it's not anything he needs an answer for now, honestly. keigo's mind and heart still aligned towards dying within his hospital bed.
of course, making a joke about death apparently was met with agitation. tough crowd. keigo doesn't try to recover from it, only shrugs his shoulders. he had no intentions of lying to dabi. there's no need for it here.]
We can start in your car. It's private in there.
[keigo answers instead, looking on ahead down the street, wondering if any of the vehicles before them belonged to dabi.]
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[he says it with all the disdain in the world. it's something so deeply engrained in him now. all the fakeness of all the pro-heroes, with keigo to add into the mix now.
dabi has every intention of returning to the quagmire, because... well, he knows how damn broken he is. he knows he'll need it if only to get ruined, because what else can he possibly do here? keigo ruined the last bit of him that might've been salvageable. that's how he feels, anyway.
he doesn't think about what would happen if keigo stayed here or not. he's still struggling with the information that keigo is dying. that he might disappear forever.]
Fine. Whatever. Don't give a shit about your precious hero commission. Just want you to tell the truth from the start. The start of us.
[though he hates calling it that.
they come up to a sleek black convertible with a dark gray interior. it's fancier than anything dabi has ever been used to, but why not have it here?
and with the top down? it reminds him of flying.]
This is it. Get in.
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[keigo replies with a hint of coldness to his tone. he’s not going to argue with his former lover over this. it’s a tango he’s familiar with, and one he doesn’t want to repeat.
considering keigo is positive it’ll come up again during their conversation to be had.
maybe eventually he’d warm up to the quagmire. however, it’s not his club to enjoy. he would avoid it at all costs if he does stay here. dabi seems to prefer it. keigo assumes so, anyway.
as soon as dabi states what he wants to keigo, the hero nods his head. it was fine by him. he didn’t like bringing up the hero commission and their position in his life. but, he does feel warmth hit his chest over the way dabi says us.
but before he can start, they come up to a black, sleek convertible. honestly, it looks intimidating and sexy. kind of like dabi. not needing to be told twice, keigo slips into the car. he feels so small inside of it, and finds himself squirming as he tries to get comfortable.]
Well, at the start of us, I actually hated sex. The first time I got on my knees, I thought I’d hate it just like always. But then, I’m not sure, it felt...good. Like really good.
[it’s a little embarrassing to admit this. he’s only known this himself, never told a soul before.]
I never told my handlers about us. I didn’t tell anyone. I just...wanted to keep us to myself.
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[he says it coldly right back. as far as dabi is concerned, keigo is the one that cut things off between them. he doesn't get to say shit about it.
he doubts keigo would ever like the quagmire. he knows how high and mighty pro-heroes like to be. dabi doesn't know what he likes anymore. all he knows is he does whatever he can to get him fucked up enough not to have to think about any of it.
dabi slides into the car and starts it up like he thinks he should. the thought up car does all the work though, and really all dabi needs is the basic knowledge from the few racing video games he played with shigaraki. when he sits in this car he always wonders what happened to him. what had happened to all of them.
he said he didn't care back then, but he spent enough time with them that he had gotten used to their company. maybe they're all dead too, though. they definitely wouldn't have gotten the chance to come here. good for them. dying in peace if much better than this.]
I don't give a shit about what felt good or not for you. I wanna know what they told you to do. I wanna know how it all started from the very beginning. Your orders to infiltrate the league, your job, all the fucking lies you told. I want you to tell me the truth from the start I fucking said. Don't wanna hear about how you liked gettin' down on your knees.
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he’s starting to think this was all a mistake. what he felt and saw coming out of the club against how they generally act now, it was almost like two separate things.
he could ignore it. should ignore it. because they’re both hurting in their own way, but dabi keeps going, and keigo can’t sit there and take it.
turning his head, keigo sends a sharp but wet look to his former lover.]
Let’s get something straight, Dabi. I don’t have to tell you shit. I can walk away from all of this if you’re going to be an asshole the entire time.
[he dealt with enough crap while dying in that shitty hospital bed. this is his one last time to have fun and he’s here, dealing with this jerk.]
I’m not here seeking forgiveness or trying to get back in your good graces. Hell, I might die before midnight. I’m doing this because I still care for you. So ask for what you want like a normal fucking person instead of treating me like I’m worthless.
[because he can’t do this. not in that manner. not with them being spiteful and cold.]
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