[this really was a nightmare. not that he doesn't want to see dabi, but it was over. they weren't supposed to see each other ever again. the last time was the last time.
this. this was pure torture.
the one thing dabi desired, and keigo wasn't able to fulfill it. why. why wouldn't they grant this wish? had he not done everything of him? dabi was important, but only to him. he's the only one alive now that wanted to give dabi what he wanted. why would anyone want to keep him alive?
he hears his former lover talking, but keigo's mind is spiraling. he feels sick. lifeless. and undeniably pissed off. but his legs are queasy, and keigo crumbles down, covering his mouth, to hold down his weak stomach.]
I-I'm..I've been bed bound. He took a video to prove it. It had your name.
[but that means nothing. of course not. why did he ever trust a single word from that man. for almost a month he did everything expected of him. hell, even his handlers were laying off of him.]
I gave him everything he wanted from me.
[fuck. he hopes his body can handle the anger he feels now, because he wasn't going to just let that monster make a fool out of him.]
He fucking-he..he told your brothers and sister. And they all just...agreed and believed him.
[ dabi just sort of gave up hoping that it would be his last day. sometimes he still lays on the beach in the sand and lets himself sink into it, hoping he'll disappear. eventually he always has to get up again, though.
he could have blamed keigo for it and a part of him wanted to, but he didn't. to ignore his wish would have been cruel, even for keigo.
when the other man crumbles down, dabi instinctually takes a few steps toward him before he stops himself. he watches as all of it plays out across keigo's face, and eventually crouches down nearby. ]
I ain't even the least bit surprised. I mean, I did tell ya that he's a piece'a shit. I never lied about anythin' he ever did.
[he omitted the worst details though, like when endeavor used to shove him down on the training room floor, or drag him to bed. he swore he'd never tell a soul any of that. it was bad enough natsuo knew.
when keigo says he gave him everything he wanted from him, his expression goes hard, eyes flickering with anger.]
[it's cruel. he can't imagine dabi hoping for his death and not receiving it. fuck. keigo was going to let that asshole have it. he doesn't even care if he's played around with, but to torture his eldest son was unbelievable.
the sister seems to have forgiven him, and even little shouto. natsuo is almost there. keigo was going to tell them all immediately what was going on. they needed to know. their father hasn't changed at all. and he's got the public wrapped around his finger.
fuck though. maybe...maybe he can see rei. she would have the authority to shut down touya todoroki. she was his mother. he doubts the woman wants to see him now, with what he's done, but natsuo could talk with her. convince her.
he hears dabi's words. trembling, he finally looks up to see his former lover crouched nearby. he hadn't even seen or realized dabi got closer. idly, he hopes that he doesn't throw up anywhere near him. keigo was still nauseous.
dabi is right though. he had warned keigo of the man. even the hero had tried to avoid endeavor as much as he could. but, the man didn't stop. he didn't like taking no for an answer.
there was something at play here. endeavor must be up to something to pull this stunt. obviously, he would be bound to find dabi sooner or later. so, why? keigo needed to figure it out and put a stop to the number one hero.
but, it's a thought he puts on hold when he catches dabi's angry eyes. it's brief, the silence on keigo's part. he finds himself nervously biting the inside of his cheek. he hates admitting this. hates thinking of it in reality. but he dealt with it, because it meant giving dabi one single fucking thing.
and even then, endeavor got his prize and kept his cake.
his left hand shakes from anger, but he forces it away where it clutches his shirt, extending his fingers that tremble, until he can show the silver band wrapped around his ring finger.]
In exchange to erase you, he wanted me. My life, here or there, is his to do as he wanted.
[ he can't imagine natsuo would have believed a single word that vile monster ever said, but he has no idea what happened after his death, or what's been going on since then.
he's tried not to think about it because it's all been too painful.
seeing keigo here though, it's impossible not to think about it, especially because of what's unfolding here in front of him. dabi always thinks there can't possibly be anything worse than what he's already had to experience, but even in death it seems like there's endless amounts of torture.
he's expecting the worst, already hot with anger, though he knows his heat means nothing here- but when keigo holds his hand out, showing dabi his ring finger, dabi feels like he might be the one to puke first. ]
No.
[his voice is small, shaky and quiet at first, but then the anger is back full force and he stands up again, backing up before he's lashing out at the nearest thing which happens to be a lamp that goes smashing against the floor.]
No, no, no, no!
[he wants to call keigo a liar, but he can't. he wants to go back and kill endeavor, but he can't do that either. he's so angry he'd burn this whole place down if he could. and then he turns that anger on keigo.]
How could you do that, you fucking... !
[he yells, hands clenched into fists, but he doesn't finish the sentence. he can't. he lets out another growl, then shoves at a table and turns to leave, heading out the door and goes back through the sand towards the ocean.
he can feel hot tears burning his eyes as they fall, wind whipping at his face as he cries. he feels so helpless again, just like when he was a kid, and his father is still hurting him somehow, even when he's dead.
half way to the ocean his legs give out and he's on his knees, burying his face into his hands.]
[there was more endeavor had desired. he had wanted any and all knowledge on his eldest son. knowledge that keigo fought and refused to give. those precious memories were his and his alone. he doesn’t even admit to his relationship with dabi out loud.
no one knew. no one needed to know.
he expects disgust. laughter maybe. to be taunted and teased that he fell right into endeavor’s filthy trap. but keigo could play his part. he always could, as long as he did that one thing for dabi.
he should have expected endeavor to fuck him over. always one bad path after the next.
but, dabi’s reaction surprises him. it brings up the hateful feelings keigo had towards endeavor, because he didn’t like the result of it all. dabi was never supposed to know, though. he was supposed to be dead. and keigo would have been fine with that. there was just so much pain and agony, and dabi just fucking deserved a break.
keigo does flinch at the lamp when it’s smashed. quietly, yet seething from his disgust, he gets up to shaky feet. he doesn’t know what to say or do. he’s sick. he wants to throw up.
the worst of it though, is that there’s more to it. but, gods, he didn’t even think he can tell dabi that.
sharp golden eyes quickly fly up to his former lover when he hears the accusing tone. he doesn’t say what’s on his mind, tries not to even think it. it’s anger here. anger he can’t understand. dabi should be laughing at his misery, not rushing out of his own home.
keigo finds himself following, but stays on the sand until he watches dabi collapse. it’s worry that gets the hero closer, but giving the former villain his distance. previous sharp eyes can’t help but fill with sadness.
naturally, he never likes to see dabi like this.]
...I’ll speak with Natsuo tomorrow. Your mom has authority over you. She can sign the papers to get you terminated.
[he speaks softly, maybe too soft against the waves. keigo has already naturally given up on himself. he’d be damned if he allowed no one to help fight for dabi.]
[the worst part of it is, Keigo said he's dying. he's bedridden. so what the fuck is endeavor still doing to him? that fucking monster.
Dabi drags his fingers though his hair and just keeps crying into his arms. he can't seem to stop. and it hurts... oh god it hurts, just as bad as when he was alive. He's not even sure its supposed to be like this, but it doesn't seem to matter. it hurts intensely.
and then Keigo is there with him on the sand, and Dabi slides his hands up his face and into his hair, pulling at the strands. He's trying to stop crying, trying to stop thinking about all the things endeavor has been doing. He's disgusted and terrified, but not by Keigo.
he doesn't understand why Keigo would let any of this happen.
he finally looks up, over at him with red rimmed eyes.]
[why. why is dabi crying like this? to feel anguish? it stirs something inside of keigo. it breaks him, to feel and see such a reaction that he didn’t deserve.
keigo is being pulled into a lulling warmth, and he has to stop himself. he can’t come back to this. he needs to remain on the ground.
no more flying.
keigo absolutely hates to see the tears there on dabi’s features. he misses the snark, the grins. the bird nicknames were his favorite, probably.
why was he thinking about that? he needed to stop himself, before he became overwhelmed with emotions.
slowly, keigo comes forward until he kneels down in front of dabi. without thinking, he reaches both hands out and cups his former lover’s cheeks. keigo’s thumbs rub over wet skin. from behind keigo, he wills his old wings into shape, where they come to wrap protectively around the both of them.]
I want to save you.
[can it be considered saving when he’s trying to put an end to dabi’s life? keigo considers it so.]
I don’t care what he does to me. I just want to give you what you want so much.
[the pain and anguish he feels over this is almost too much to bear. it's months of being here like this, wishing for something that could have never happened and trying to harden his heart up again.
he's so bone tired and all he wants is Keigo. it's so utterly unfair.
and now his father has taken that away from him too. maybe he should blame Keigo for it, for betraying him and going off with endeavor instead, but there was no hope for anything after their last meeting and maybe Keigo really just did what he had to do.
when his former lover comes to kneel in front of him, cupping his cheeks, Dabi closes his eyes and more tears spill out. he always cried too much when he was little, and now it seems to be all the same. but when he feels that flap of wings he opens his eyes again, wrapped in that familiar warmth he's been craving so much, and he turns his cheek into the other man's hand. the one without the ring.]
You were supposed to be free. After all'a this you were supposed to be free.
[hadn't that been what Keigo wanted all along? in the end they're both miserable now. for what? he remembers Keigo saying that betraying him was worth it, but then what?]
[desperately, all keigo desired was right here, in front of him. he wishes that ring didn't belong to anyone else but the one who claims his thoughts and dreams. he wishes that he was owned and loved and had no care in the world, because that's what it used to feel like. he was always happiest when he had scarred arms wrapped around him.
but he ruined it. he fucked it all up. and he regrets it. every second to each day. he no longer has that warmth. his days and nights are filled with a cold room and burning hands.
in the end, he would take it all though. he would do anything, so long as he could give dabi the last thing he wanted. and keigo is more desperate to fulfill that wish.
more tears come to form, and keigo softly wipes them away. it's breaking him on the inside so much to see dabi like this. he wants to cry with his former lover too, but keigo has to put on a strong front. he didn't want dabi to worry about him.
a sad smile takes to his lips when the other man comes to turn his cheek to his right hand. keigo takes that as a cue to instead use his left to comb through dabi's hair.]
So were you.
[both of them should have been freed. however, it's one spider web to the next. they keep getting caught.
the combing of that hair stalls for a brief second as keigo finds his breath stolen from him. all from dabi's words. i want to stay. it's on his tongue. i want to be here with you. he could say it. he should say it. he wants to say it.
despite the strong face he tries so hard to keep up, keigo can feel wetness at his lashes. he could wipe them away, could pull away to do so. instead, he moves forward, wrapping his arms around dabi's waist, nosing his face right into his former lover's shoulder while cocooning them further with his wings.]
I-I want to. I want to be here with you.
[he whispers so softly against dabi's shoulder.]
But what if he comes here? Looking for us?
[there's so much fear in his tone, his body even trembling. he can't even hide it. how pathetic to be scared like he was.]
[Dabi doesn't know what to do with all of this. he doesn't think he's ready to forgive Keigo completely, but having him back here like this, especially knowing what's waiting for Keigo back in the real world, he doesn't want to let go. not again.
he hasn't had anyone wipe his tears away for a very long time, and that hurts too, but he longs to pull Keigo into his arms just like he used to.
they were both supposed to be free. now it's as if they're trapped in an endless nightmare. why did Keigo have to betray him? the world would have been better off without hero society. without Endeavor.]
We could have been.
[they could have run away after it was all over. all he wanted was to bring endeavor down and now that monster is still a thorn at his side. for him to just take Keigo like that... to use him. it's all these pro-heroes seem to be able to do.
Dabi is so angry about it all over again, but then Keigo wraps his arms around him and Dabi is weak to it. he's so damn weak to it, just like he's always been. ]
You should've let me kill him. That's all I wanted to do, Keigo.
[keigo isn't trying to seek forgiveness. he hasn't earned it. hell, he hasn't earned the right to even try to receive it. but, gods, he can't but feel at home right here, with dabi. it was never his penthouse, the sky, or even his wings. it has always been this man in front of him.
but he can leave this heat, this familiar feeling, if he could save dabi. it's all he can do now. how else is he able to give his former lover anything else? keigo was no good. useless. worthless. confined to a private room thanks to endeavor, to remain from the public view. even if he's here, it wouldn't be freedom. eventually, endeavor will start to show up.
the only freedom he has is within his thoughts and dreams, where he always has his mind on scarred flesh and warm hands.
if he knew what he knows now, keigo would have immediately told dabi anything and everything that day. would never have betrayed his lover. he always knew hero society was rotten. how could he not? he saw it often. but he wanted to be a different hero, one who was there only for the civilians and innocent. he didn't care for money or fame.
there's no place to think about the past though. he's in the present, looking to the cold, dark future. he can't run away to safety with dabi in the real world. endeavor runs that world, with power and money. and eventually, the man would be here, to do the same. keigo knows it. this simulated society was his golden ticket. he would have everything he wanted here.]
I wish you could kill him.
[keigo whispers, holding tighter to dabi. he's never felt death as the right way. he hated it, in fact. but, someone like endeavor, deserved it. confined to the private room thanks to endeavor, he has no way of seeking help. he's stuck to that bed, only left to feel burning hands and his painful death.
with a shaky breath, he noses into soft hair as his former lover drops his head to his shoulder.]
Are you sure, Dabi? I want nothing more than to be with you. But...I want to protect you too.
[It's tragic, thinking that Keigo would have done things differently now. That's all Dabi would have hoped for. Dabi always knew hero society was broken and the number one would damage it more.
how could any of it have been worth it with a monster like that in charge?
There was a time where Dabi might have been thrilled at how fucked over Keigo had gotten because of what a traitor he was, but now all he feels is anguish over the way things turned out. ]
There's gotta be a way to stop him. If you can talk to Natsu, he can help you.
[Dabi is sure of it. Natsuo knows everything their father had done.
When Keigo drops his head down, Dabi finally does what he never thought he'd do again. he puts his arms around Keigo, fingers curling into his shirt.
he knows he has a make a decision now. he has to be the one to let go.]
Stay. We can have a different life here than we could've had before. I dunno what kind but we can try.
[keigo feels himself nodding his head when dabi brings up natsuo. he could definitely ask the other male for assistance with his father. but...what if endeavor did something horrible to him too? if he could so easily sweep his eldest son under the rug and remain in power, what more was he capable of?
still, if dabi trusted in natsuo, keigo did too. the only one the former hero was capable of believing in, was this man right here.
it makes him feel worst that he betrayed this person. so much time in that lonely hospital bed, alone with his thoughts, has made it possible for keigo to understand. he does care for the innocent, but dabi's aim had always been his own father. keigo wish he had truly known. however, he understands why he didn't know.
he can't turn back time unfortunately. gods. he desperately wished he could.
he almost smiles at the thought. the two of them, runaways, being hunted down.
as those arms come to wrap around him, keigo relaxes, breathing out softly. home. this really was home right here. he doesn't want to ever leave this again. he couldn't bare it.]
I want to stay here. I don't want to ever leave you again.
[no more hero commission. no more responsibility. no more dying. no more endeavor. only dabi.]
[ Natsuo might be their only hope. dabi has still been in the dark all these months, not knowing how everything after that war turned out, but he knows that's not something that would have changed. maybe they can find other help too. they'll have to come up with some sort of plan.
and suddenly dabi feels like he has a goal again, even if there isn't a whole lot he can do from here. he's dead, but at least he can try.
dabi wishes keigo would have just talked to him the last time he was here, but he was too angry and felt too broken, and even though he wanted to give keigo a chance, maybe he wasn't ready. and now? now it feels like it could be too late, but keigo is still in his arms, so maybe it doesn't have to be.
it's dark around them now, the sun having set. it means they still have time, though. a handful of hours where they can try to talk some things out. ]
We've got a good amount'a time still tonight, yeah? Let's talk. I think we really need to talk.
[as hard as it might be. dabi wants a conversation with no lies. he wants to talk to keigo as a person, not some commission puppet doing a job. he pulls back slowly, looking at keigo. even with the tear stained eyes he's as beautiful as ever. dabi's heart clenches. it's been so long.]
[if natsuo could take care of everything on the outside, maybe endeavor will never show up here. keigo couldn't allow that man to get anywhere near him or dabi. he desperately wants his happy ever after with the man in front of him.
he won't have a lot of time to put it into motion. keigo wanted to make his time short within reality, before endeavor caught onto their plan. and, maybe a selfish part of him didn't want to separate for long from dabi. if he had the time and power, he would quickly send separation papers to endeavor, just to be petty and spiteful.
the sky has lit up with stars, the city lights brightening the sky not too far away either. it's peaceful here, compared to the city life. the night was still early, he notes. plenty of time to share with dabi. keigo doesn't mind what they do. he just wanted to stay close to his former lover before he returns back to reality. at least it'll be a short leave.
dabi's voice breaks his inner thoughts and keigo nods his head in agreement.]
Yeah. We need to talk.
[no matter what, they needed to do it. if keigo wanted to stay here, and be with dabi, he needed to set things right. he had to be clear and honest.
keigo was so tired of lying.
as dabi comes to pull back, the former hero finds himself cupping the other man's cheek with his right hand briefly. then, getting to his feet, he offers the same hand out.]
[ if anyone could do it now, it would be natsuo. especially if keigo is able to tell him everything that has happened and everything endeavor has been doing even since his death. hell, natsuo will be furious once he finds out they never pulled the plug on him and that endeavor lied to them all.
dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
[it'll be hard. keigo is aware of this. but, he'll do it. it's the least he can do for dabi now. and if he ever wants his former lover to trust him again, this is where he starts.
it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
[ it'll be hard and painful, and dabi knows this won't be the end of all the pain and hurt feelings. he knows it's not just what happened between them either. it's unresolved issues from a lifetime of pain and abuse, and neither of them have ever gotten help for any of it.
dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
[the silence is comforting. more than he expects. it keeps the nerves down in a way. the sounds of the ocean is nice though, of crashing and rolling waves. he wonders how it feels to listen to it at night, with the night air to keep them cool. he really shouldn't think that far ahead though. he needed to take these baby-steps with dabi. to earn that trust back.
it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
[ dabi comes out often at night, just sitting or laying on the beach and looking up at the stars. often time he gets drunk or high and just loses himself in all of it. without fail, he always wishes keigo was here with him. so much for closing his heart off. apparently keigo opened it up too much. he always saw that as a bad thing.
his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
[through it all, dabi is patient with him. lets him talk. and keigo appreciates it. he didn't want to skim any details, didn't want to lie or hide again. his only obstacle was himself, and keigo needed to get past that.
he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
You did fuckin' tell me how you wanted them gone, and I told ya that if you stuck with us I'd fuckin' take care of it. That wasn't enough? I would've ruined em. For you.
[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
[keigo can't say any more. he knows he should have trusted in dabi, should have allowed the villain to rid his handlers completely. yet, once they had threatened dabi's being, he rolled over and accepted their lies. he couldn't lose his lover.
despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
[ he knew it wouldn't ever end. he knew it. not unless he ended the older man. that monster that had ruined everything good in him.
and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
[keigo is at such a loss of what to do for dabi. he knows there's trauma here. he needs to give his old lover his space. but, fuck, he's so damn worried for him. he's never seen dabi like this. it makes him stomach queasy again, that endeavor is responsible for this.
why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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this. this was pure torture.
the one thing dabi desired, and keigo wasn't able to fulfill it. why. why wouldn't they grant this wish? had he not done everything of him? dabi was important, but only to him. he's the only one alive now that wanted to give dabi what he wanted. why would anyone want to keep him alive?
he hears his former lover talking, but keigo's mind is spiraling. he feels sick. lifeless. and undeniably pissed off. but his legs are queasy, and keigo crumbles down, covering his mouth, to hold down his weak stomach.]
I-I'm..I've been bed bound. He took a video to prove it. It had your name.
[but that means nothing. of course not. why did he ever trust a single word from that man. for almost a month he did everything expected of him. hell, even his handlers were laying off of him.]
I gave him everything he wanted from me.
[fuck. he hopes his body can handle the anger he feels now, because he wasn't going to just let that monster make a fool out of him.]
He fucking-he..he told your brothers and sister. And they all just...agreed and believed him.
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he could have blamed keigo for it and a part of him wanted to, but he didn't. to ignore his wish would have been cruel, even for keigo.
when the other man crumbles down, dabi instinctually takes a few steps toward him before he stops himself. he watches as all of it plays out across keigo's face, and eventually crouches down nearby. ]
I ain't even the least bit surprised. I mean, I did tell ya that he's a piece'a shit. I never lied about anythin' he ever did.
[he omitted the worst details though, like when endeavor used to shove him down on the training room floor, or drag him to bed. he swore he'd never tell a soul any of that. it was bad enough natsuo knew.
when keigo says he gave him everything he wanted from him, his expression goes hard, eyes flickering with anger.]
What do ya mean? What the fuck did you give him?
[he barely even hears the rest of it after that.]
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the sister seems to have forgiven him, and even little shouto. natsuo is almost there. keigo was going to tell them all immediately what was going on. they needed to know. their father hasn't changed at all. and he's got the public wrapped around his finger.
fuck though. maybe...maybe he can see rei. she would have the authority to shut down touya todoroki. she was his mother. he doubts the woman wants to see him now, with what he's done, but natsuo could talk with her. convince her.
he hears dabi's words. trembling, he finally looks up to see his former lover crouched nearby. he hadn't even seen or realized dabi got closer. idly, he hopes that he doesn't throw up anywhere near him. keigo was still nauseous.
dabi is right though. he had warned keigo of the man. even the hero had tried to avoid endeavor as much as he could. but, the man didn't stop. he didn't like taking no for an answer.
there was something at play here. endeavor must be up to something to pull this stunt. obviously, he would be bound to find dabi sooner or later. so, why? keigo needed to figure it out and put a stop to the number one hero.
but, it's a thought he puts on hold when he catches dabi's angry eyes. it's brief, the silence on keigo's part. he finds himself nervously biting the inside of his cheek. he hates admitting this. hates thinking of it in reality. but he dealt with it, because it meant giving dabi one single fucking thing.
and even then, endeavor got his prize and kept his cake.
his left hand shakes from anger, but he forces it away where it clutches his shirt, extending his fingers that tremble, until he can show the silver band wrapped around his ring finger.]
In exchange to erase you, he wanted me. My life, here or there, is his to do as he wanted.
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he's tried not to think about it because it's all been too painful.
seeing keigo here though, it's impossible not to think about it, especially because of what's unfolding here in front of him. dabi always thinks there can't possibly be anything worse than what he's already had to experience, but even in death it seems like there's endless amounts of torture.
he's expecting the worst, already hot with anger, though he knows his heat means nothing here- but when keigo holds his hand out, showing dabi his ring finger, dabi feels like he might be the one to puke first. ]
No.
[his voice is small, shaky and quiet at first, but then the anger is back full force and he stands up again, backing up before he's lashing out at the nearest thing which happens to be a lamp that goes smashing against the floor.]
No, no, no, no!
[he wants to call keigo a liar, but he can't. he wants to go back and kill endeavor, but he can't do that either. he's so angry he'd burn this whole place down if he could. and then he turns that anger on keigo.]
How could you do that, you fucking... !
[he yells, hands clenched into fists, but he doesn't finish the sentence. he can't. he lets out another growl, then shoves at a table and turns to leave, heading out the door and goes back through the sand towards the ocean.
he can feel hot tears burning his eyes as they fall, wind whipping at his face as he cries. he feels so helpless again, just like when he was a kid, and his father is still hurting him somehow, even when he's dead.
half way to the ocean his legs give out and he's on his knees, burying his face into his hands.]
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no one knew. no one needed to know.
he expects disgust. laughter maybe. to be taunted and teased that he fell right into endeavor’s filthy trap. but keigo could play his part. he always could, as long as he did that one thing for dabi.
he should have expected endeavor to fuck him over. always one bad path after the next.
but, dabi’s reaction surprises him. it brings up the hateful feelings keigo had towards endeavor, because he didn’t like the result of it all. dabi was never supposed to know, though. he was supposed to be dead. and keigo would have been fine with that. there was just so much pain and agony, and dabi just fucking deserved a break.
keigo does flinch at the lamp when it’s smashed. quietly, yet seething from his disgust, he gets up to shaky feet. he doesn’t know what to say or do. he’s sick. he wants to throw up.
the worst of it though, is that there’s more to it. but, gods, he didn’t even think he can tell dabi that.
sharp golden eyes quickly fly up to his former lover when he hears the accusing tone. he doesn’t say what’s on his mind, tries not to even think it. it’s anger here. anger he can’t understand. dabi should be laughing at his misery, not rushing out of his own home.
keigo finds himself following, but stays on the sand until he watches dabi collapse. it’s worry that gets the hero closer, but giving the former villain his distance. previous sharp eyes can’t help but fill with sadness.
naturally, he never likes to see dabi like this.]
...I’ll speak with Natsuo tomorrow. Your mom has authority over you. She can sign the papers to get you terminated.
[he speaks softly, maybe too soft against the waves. keigo has already naturally given up on himself. he’d be damned if he allowed no one to help fight for dabi.]
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Dabi drags his fingers though his hair and just keeps crying into his arms. he can't seem to stop. and it hurts... oh god it hurts, just as bad as when he was alive. He's not even sure its supposed to be like this, but it doesn't seem to matter. it hurts intensely.
and then Keigo is there with him on the sand, and Dabi slides his hands up his face and into his hair, pulling at the strands. He's trying to stop crying, trying to stop thinking about all the things endeavor has been doing. He's disgusted and terrified, but not by Keigo.
he doesn't understand why Keigo would let any of this happen.
he finally looks up, over at him with red rimmed eyes.]
And what about you?
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keigo is being pulled into a lulling warmth, and he has to stop himself. he can’t come back to this. he needs to remain on the ground.
no more flying.
keigo absolutely hates to see the tears there on dabi’s features. he misses the snark, the grins. the bird nicknames were his favorite, probably.
why was he thinking about that? he needed to stop himself, before he became overwhelmed with emotions.
slowly, keigo comes forward until he kneels down in front of dabi. without thinking, he reaches both hands out and cups his former lover’s cheeks. keigo’s thumbs rub over wet skin. from behind keigo, he wills his old wings into shape, where they come to wrap protectively around the both of them.]
I want to save you.
[can it be considered saving when he’s trying to put an end to dabi’s life? keigo considers it so.]
I don’t care what he does to me. I just want to give you what you want so much.
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he's so bone tired and all he wants is Keigo. it's so utterly unfair.
and now his father has taken that away from him too. maybe he should blame Keigo for it, for betraying him and going off with endeavor instead, but there was no hope for anything after their last meeting and maybe Keigo really just did what he had to do.
when his former lover comes to kneel in front of him, cupping his cheeks, Dabi closes his eyes and more tears spill out. he always cried too much when he was little, and now it seems to be all the same. but when he feels that flap of wings he opens his eyes again, wrapped in that familiar warmth he's been craving so much, and he turns his cheek into the other man's hand. the one without the ring.]
You were supposed to be free. After all'a this you were supposed to be free.
[hadn't that been what Keigo wanted all along? in the end they're both miserable now. for what? he remembers Keigo saying that betraying him was worth it, but then what?]
I don't need it if you stay. Just come back here.
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but he ruined it. he fucked it all up. and he regrets it. every second to each day. he no longer has that warmth. his days and nights are filled with a cold room and burning hands.
in the end, he would take it all though. he would do anything, so long as he could give dabi the last thing he wanted. and keigo is more desperate to fulfill that wish.
more tears come to form, and keigo softly wipes them away. it's breaking him on the inside so much to see dabi like this. he wants to cry with his former lover too, but keigo has to put on a strong front. he didn't want dabi to worry about him.
a sad smile takes to his lips when the other man comes to turn his cheek to his right hand. keigo takes that as a cue to instead use his left to comb through dabi's hair.]
So were you.
[both of them should have been freed. however, it's one spider web to the next. they keep getting caught.
the combing of that hair stalls for a brief second as keigo finds his breath stolen from him. all from dabi's words. i want to stay. it's on his tongue. i want to be here with you. he could say it. he should say it. he wants to say it.
despite the strong face he tries so hard to keep up, keigo can feel wetness at his lashes. he could wipe them away, could pull away to do so. instead, he moves forward, wrapping his arms around dabi's waist, nosing his face right into his former lover's shoulder while cocooning them further with his wings.]
I-I want to. I want to be here with you.
[he whispers so softly against dabi's shoulder.]
But what if he comes here? Looking for us?
[there's so much fear in his tone, his body even trembling. he can't even hide it. how pathetic to be scared like he was.]
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he hasn't had anyone wipe his tears away for a very long time, and that hurts too, but he longs to pull Keigo into his arms just like he used to.
they were both supposed to be free. now it's as if they're trapped in an endless nightmare. why did Keigo have to betray him? the world would have been better off without hero society. without Endeavor.]
We could have been.
[they could have run away after it was all over. all he wanted was to bring endeavor down and now that monster is still a thorn at his side. for him to just take Keigo like that... to use him. it's all these pro-heroes seem to be able to do.
Dabi is so angry about it all over again, but then Keigo wraps his arms around him and Dabi is weak to it. he's so damn weak to it, just like he's always been. ]
You should've let me kill him. That's all I wanted to do, Keigo.
[he lets his head drop down to Keigo's shoulder.]
You can still do it.
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but he can leave this heat, this familiar feeling, if he could save dabi. it's all he can do now. how else is he able to give his former lover anything else? keigo was no good. useless. worthless. confined to a private room thanks to endeavor, to remain from the public view. even if he's here, it wouldn't be freedom. eventually, endeavor will start to show up.
the only freedom he has is within his thoughts and dreams, where he always has his mind on scarred flesh and warm hands.
if he knew what he knows now, keigo would have immediately told dabi anything and everything that day. would never have betrayed his lover. he always knew hero society was rotten. how could he not? he saw it often. but he wanted to be a different hero, one who was there only for the civilians and innocent. he didn't care for money or fame.
there's no place to think about the past though. he's in the present, looking to the cold, dark future. he can't run away to safety with dabi in the real world. endeavor runs that world, with power and money. and eventually, the man would be here, to do the same. keigo knows it. this simulated society was his golden ticket. he would have everything he wanted here.]
I wish you could kill him.
[keigo whispers, holding tighter to dabi. he's never felt death as the right way. he hated it, in fact. but, someone like endeavor, deserved it. confined to the private room thanks to endeavor, he has no way of seeking help. he's stuck to that bed, only left to feel burning hands and his painful death.
with a shaky breath, he noses into soft hair as his former lover drops his head to his shoulder.]
Are you sure, Dabi? I want nothing more than to be with you. But...I want to protect you too.
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how could any of it have been worth it with a monster like that in charge?
There was a time where Dabi might have been thrilled at how fucked over Keigo had gotten because of what a traitor he was, but now all he feels is anguish over the way things turned out. ]
There's gotta be a way to stop him. If you can talk to Natsu, he can help you.
[Dabi is sure of it. Natsuo knows everything their father had done.
When Keigo drops his head down, Dabi finally does what he never thought he'd do again. he puts his arms around Keigo, fingers curling into his shirt.
he knows he has a make a decision now. he has to be the one to let go.]
Stay. We can have a different life here than we could've had before. I dunno what kind but we can try.
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still, if dabi trusted in natsuo, keigo did too. the only one the former hero was capable of believing in, was this man right here.
it makes him feel worst that he betrayed this person. so much time in that lonely hospital bed, alone with his thoughts, has made it possible for keigo to understand. he does care for the innocent, but dabi's aim had always been his own father. keigo wish he had truly known. however, he understands why he didn't know.
he can't turn back time unfortunately. gods. he desperately wished he could.
he almost smiles at the thought. the two of them, runaways, being hunted down.
as those arms come to wrap around him, keigo relaxes, breathing out softly. home. this really was home right here. he doesn't want to ever leave this again. he couldn't bare it.]
I want to stay here. I don't want to ever leave you again.
[no more hero commission. no more responsibility. no more dying. no more endeavor. only dabi.]
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and suddenly dabi feels like he has a goal again, even if there isn't a whole lot he can do from here. he's dead, but at least he can try.
dabi wishes keigo would have just talked to him the last time he was here, but he was too angry and felt too broken, and even though he wanted to give keigo a chance, maybe he wasn't ready. and now? now it feels like it could be too late, but keigo is still in his arms, so maybe it doesn't have to be.
it's dark around them now, the sun having set. it means they still have time, though. a handful of hours where they can try to talk some things out. ]
We've got a good amount'a time still tonight, yeah? Let's talk. I think we really need to talk.
[as hard as it might be. dabi wants a conversation with no lies. he wants to talk to keigo as a person, not some commission puppet doing a job. he pulls back slowly, looking at keigo. even with the tear stained eyes he's as beautiful as ever. dabi's heart clenches. it's been so long.]
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he won't have a lot of time to put it into motion. keigo wanted to make his time short within reality, before endeavor caught onto their plan. and, maybe a selfish part of him didn't want to separate for long from dabi. if he had the time and power, he would quickly send separation papers to endeavor, just to be petty and spiteful.
the sky has lit up with stars, the city lights brightening the sky not too far away either. it's peaceful here, compared to the city life. the night was still early, he notes. plenty of time to share with dabi. keigo doesn't mind what they do. he just wanted to stay close to his former lover before he returns back to reality. at least it'll be a short leave.
dabi's voice breaks his inner thoughts and keigo nods his head in agreement.]
Yeah. We need to talk.
[no matter what, they needed to do it. if keigo wanted to stay here, and be with dabi, he needed to set things right. he had to be clear and honest.
keigo was so tired of lying.
as dabi comes to pull back, the former hero finds himself cupping the other man's cheek with his right hand briefly. then, getting to his feet, he offers the same hand out.]
Let's go inside.
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dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
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it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
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dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
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it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
...they threatened to kill you next.
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his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
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he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
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[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
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despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
It's okay. He can't reach you. I'm..I'm here.
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and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
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why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
But..we need a plan to get rid of him. For good.
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