[the pain and anguish he feels over this is almost too much to bear. it's months of being here like this, wishing for something that could have never happened and trying to harden his heart up again.
he's so bone tired and all he wants is Keigo. it's so utterly unfair.
and now his father has taken that away from him too. maybe he should blame Keigo for it, for betraying him and going off with endeavor instead, but there was no hope for anything after their last meeting and maybe Keigo really just did what he had to do.
when his former lover comes to kneel in front of him, cupping his cheeks, Dabi closes his eyes and more tears spill out. he always cried too much when he was little, and now it seems to be all the same. but when he feels that flap of wings he opens his eyes again, wrapped in that familiar warmth he's been craving so much, and he turns his cheek into the other man's hand. the one without the ring.]
You were supposed to be free. After all'a this you were supposed to be free.
[hadn't that been what Keigo wanted all along? in the end they're both miserable now. for what? he remembers Keigo saying that betraying him was worth it, but then what?]
[desperately, all keigo desired was right here, in front of him. he wishes that ring didn't belong to anyone else but the one who claims his thoughts and dreams. he wishes that he was owned and loved and had no care in the world, because that's what it used to feel like. he was always happiest when he had scarred arms wrapped around him.
but he ruined it. he fucked it all up. and he regrets it. every second to each day. he no longer has that warmth. his days and nights are filled with a cold room and burning hands.
in the end, he would take it all though. he would do anything, so long as he could give dabi the last thing he wanted. and keigo is more desperate to fulfill that wish.
more tears come to form, and keigo softly wipes them away. it's breaking him on the inside so much to see dabi like this. he wants to cry with his former lover too, but keigo has to put on a strong front. he didn't want dabi to worry about him.
a sad smile takes to his lips when the other man comes to turn his cheek to his right hand. keigo takes that as a cue to instead use his left to comb through dabi's hair.]
So were you.
[both of them should have been freed. however, it's one spider web to the next. they keep getting caught.
the combing of that hair stalls for a brief second as keigo finds his breath stolen from him. all from dabi's words. i want to stay. it's on his tongue. i want to be here with you. he could say it. he should say it. he wants to say it.
despite the strong face he tries so hard to keep up, keigo can feel wetness at his lashes. he could wipe them away, could pull away to do so. instead, he moves forward, wrapping his arms around dabi's waist, nosing his face right into his former lover's shoulder while cocooning them further with his wings.]
I-I want to. I want to be here with you.
[he whispers so softly against dabi's shoulder.]
But what if he comes here? Looking for us?
[there's so much fear in his tone, his body even trembling. he can't even hide it. how pathetic to be scared like he was.]
[Dabi doesn't know what to do with all of this. he doesn't think he's ready to forgive Keigo completely, but having him back here like this, especially knowing what's waiting for Keigo back in the real world, he doesn't want to let go. not again.
he hasn't had anyone wipe his tears away for a very long time, and that hurts too, but he longs to pull Keigo into his arms just like he used to.
they were both supposed to be free. now it's as if they're trapped in an endless nightmare. why did Keigo have to betray him? the world would have been better off without hero society. without Endeavor.]
We could have been.
[they could have run away after it was all over. all he wanted was to bring endeavor down and now that monster is still a thorn at his side. for him to just take Keigo like that... to use him. it's all these pro-heroes seem to be able to do.
Dabi is so angry about it all over again, but then Keigo wraps his arms around him and Dabi is weak to it. he's so damn weak to it, just like he's always been. ]
You should've let me kill him. That's all I wanted to do, Keigo.
[keigo isn't trying to seek forgiveness. he hasn't earned it. hell, he hasn't earned the right to even try to receive it. but, gods, he can't but feel at home right here, with dabi. it was never his penthouse, the sky, or even his wings. it has always been this man in front of him.
but he can leave this heat, this familiar feeling, if he could save dabi. it's all he can do now. how else is he able to give his former lover anything else? keigo was no good. useless. worthless. confined to a private room thanks to endeavor, to remain from the public view. even if he's here, it wouldn't be freedom. eventually, endeavor will start to show up.
the only freedom he has is within his thoughts and dreams, where he always has his mind on scarred flesh and warm hands.
if he knew what he knows now, keigo would have immediately told dabi anything and everything that day. would never have betrayed his lover. he always knew hero society was rotten. how could he not? he saw it often. but he wanted to be a different hero, one who was there only for the civilians and innocent. he didn't care for money or fame.
there's no place to think about the past though. he's in the present, looking to the cold, dark future. he can't run away to safety with dabi in the real world. endeavor runs that world, with power and money. and eventually, the man would be here, to do the same. keigo knows it. this simulated society was his golden ticket. he would have everything he wanted here.]
I wish you could kill him.
[keigo whispers, holding tighter to dabi. he's never felt death as the right way. he hated it, in fact. but, someone like endeavor, deserved it. confined to the private room thanks to endeavor, he has no way of seeking help. he's stuck to that bed, only left to feel burning hands and his painful death.
with a shaky breath, he noses into soft hair as his former lover drops his head to his shoulder.]
Are you sure, Dabi? I want nothing more than to be with you. But...I want to protect you too.
[It's tragic, thinking that Keigo would have done things differently now. That's all Dabi would have hoped for. Dabi always knew hero society was broken and the number one would damage it more.
how could any of it have been worth it with a monster like that in charge?
There was a time where Dabi might have been thrilled at how fucked over Keigo had gotten because of what a traitor he was, but now all he feels is anguish over the way things turned out. ]
There's gotta be a way to stop him. If you can talk to Natsu, he can help you.
[Dabi is sure of it. Natsuo knows everything their father had done.
When Keigo drops his head down, Dabi finally does what he never thought he'd do again. he puts his arms around Keigo, fingers curling into his shirt.
he knows he has a make a decision now. he has to be the one to let go.]
Stay. We can have a different life here than we could've had before. I dunno what kind but we can try.
[keigo feels himself nodding his head when dabi brings up natsuo. he could definitely ask the other male for assistance with his father. but...what if endeavor did something horrible to him too? if he could so easily sweep his eldest son under the rug and remain in power, what more was he capable of?
still, if dabi trusted in natsuo, keigo did too. the only one the former hero was capable of believing in, was this man right here.
it makes him feel worst that he betrayed this person. so much time in that lonely hospital bed, alone with his thoughts, has made it possible for keigo to understand. he does care for the innocent, but dabi's aim had always been his own father. keigo wish he had truly known. however, he understands why he didn't know.
he can't turn back time unfortunately. gods. he desperately wished he could.
he almost smiles at the thought. the two of them, runaways, being hunted down.
as those arms come to wrap around him, keigo relaxes, breathing out softly. home. this really was home right here. he doesn't want to ever leave this again. he couldn't bare it.]
I want to stay here. I don't want to ever leave you again.
[no more hero commission. no more responsibility. no more dying. no more endeavor. only dabi.]
[ Natsuo might be their only hope. dabi has still been in the dark all these months, not knowing how everything after that war turned out, but he knows that's not something that would have changed. maybe they can find other help too. they'll have to come up with some sort of plan.
and suddenly dabi feels like he has a goal again, even if there isn't a whole lot he can do from here. he's dead, but at least he can try.
dabi wishes keigo would have just talked to him the last time he was here, but he was too angry and felt too broken, and even though he wanted to give keigo a chance, maybe he wasn't ready. and now? now it feels like it could be too late, but keigo is still in his arms, so maybe it doesn't have to be.
it's dark around them now, the sun having set. it means they still have time, though. a handful of hours where they can try to talk some things out. ]
We've got a good amount'a time still tonight, yeah? Let's talk. I think we really need to talk.
[as hard as it might be. dabi wants a conversation with no lies. he wants to talk to keigo as a person, not some commission puppet doing a job. he pulls back slowly, looking at keigo. even with the tear stained eyes he's as beautiful as ever. dabi's heart clenches. it's been so long.]
[if natsuo could take care of everything on the outside, maybe endeavor will never show up here. keigo couldn't allow that man to get anywhere near him or dabi. he desperately wants his happy ever after with the man in front of him.
he won't have a lot of time to put it into motion. keigo wanted to make his time short within reality, before endeavor caught onto their plan. and, maybe a selfish part of him didn't want to separate for long from dabi. if he had the time and power, he would quickly send separation papers to endeavor, just to be petty and spiteful.
the sky has lit up with stars, the city lights brightening the sky not too far away either. it's peaceful here, compared to the city life. the night was still early, he notes. plenty of time to share with dabi. keigo doesn't mind what they do. he just wanted to stay close to his former lover before he returns back to reality. at least it'll be a short leave.
dabi's voice breaks his inner thoughts and keigo nods his head in agreement.]
Yeah. We need to talk.
[no matter what, they needed to do it. if keigo wanted to stay here, and be with dabi, he needed to set things right. he had to be clear and honest.
keigo was so tired of lying.
as dabi comes to pull back, the former hero finds himself cupping the other man's cheek with his right hand briefly. then, getting to his feet, he offers the same hand out.]
[ if anyone could do it now, it would be natsuo. especially if keigo is able to tell him everything that has happened and everything endeavor has been doing even since his death. hell, natsuo will be furious once he finds out they never pulled the plug on him and that endeavor lied to them all.
dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
[it'll be hard. keigo is aware of this. but, he'll do it. it's the least he can do for dabi now. and if he ever wants his former lover to trust him again, this is where he starts.
it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
[ it'll be hard and painful, and dabi knows this won't be the end of all the pain and hurt feelings. he knows it's not just what happened between them either. it's unresolved issues from a lifetime of pain and abuse, and neither of them have ever gotten help for any of it.
dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
[the silence is comforting. more than he expects. it keeps the nerves down in a way. the sounds of the ocean is nice though, of crashing and rolling waves. he wonders how it feels to listen to it at night, with the night air to keep them cool. he really shouldn't think that far ahead though. he needed to take these baby-steps with dabi. to earn that trust back.
it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
[ dabi comes out often at night, just sitting or laying on the beach and looking up at the stars. often time he gets drunk or high and just loses himself in all of it. without fail, he always wishes keigo was here with him. so much for closing his heart off. apparently keigo opened it up too much. he always saw that as a bad thing.
his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
[through it all, dabi is patient with him. lets him talk. and keigo appreciates it. he didn't want to skim any details, didn't want to lie or hide again. his only obstacle was himself, and keigo needed to get past that.
he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
You did fuckin' tell me how you wanted them gone, and I told ya that if you stuck with us I'd fuckin' take care of it. That wasn't enough? I would've ruined em. For you.
[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
[keigo can't say any more. he knows he should have trusted in dabi, should have allowed the villain to rid his handlers completely. yet, once they had threatened dabi's being, he rolled over and accepted their lies. he couldn't lose his lover.
despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
[ he knew it wouldn't ever end. he knew it. not unless he ended the older man. that monster that had ruined everything good in him.
and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
[keigo is at such a loss of what to do for dabi. he knows there's trauma here. he needs to give his old lover his space. but, fuck, he's so damn worried for him. he's never seen dabi like this. it makes him stomach queasy again, that endeavor is responsible for this.
why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
[ this is more than he ever imagined had happened. his brain is still reeling from all this information, but he can't get lost in this. it's probably what endeavor would want.
still, he wishes keigo would have told him any of this much sooner. if he had told him the truth when he asked, maybe none of this would have happened. he still doesn't understand why keigo got out of the car that day and walked away, instead of telling him all of this.
the worst part is, this was after the betrayal and keigo hadn't even really tried all that hard to tell him.
but that's never how things go, dabi knows that well by now.
when he finally gets his breathing under control and his hands stop shaking, he lets his forehead fall onto his bent knees. he stays like that for a long moment, too tired to lash out again. he tries to focus on keigo's hands on his ankles. they always felt so different on him. ]
I need... I need a minute. I need a fuckin' drink.
[getting out of the car that day was a mistake. one that lead keigo right into a trap waiting for him. but, then again, that's the same night he awakened with endeavor on top of him. if the man had threatened dabi at that time, keigo would have done anything then to protect his former lover.
still, that night in the car was different than talking with dabi now. there's no insults, no taunts. as hard as it was to tell dabi everything, the other man had given keigo that patience. and, maybe, he wasn't sure where to start before. but the last month, it's all he could think about, wishing he could have told dabi all that happened.
it's in the past. keigo had to focus on the here and now, and getting rid of endeavor. the monster would come for them soon. a part of him is even afraid to wake up, that he'll have that man over his body again.
but, then dabi's words break keigo of his thoughts. he gives another squeeze before getting up to his feet.]
I'll get it.
[he needed to clear his head too. thinking about the end of the night was bringing up unsettling memories. he could act fast before endeavor even notices, but then again, the man had to be stopped completely.
coming into the kitchen, he pulls open the fridge and looks inside.]
[there are full bottles there next to empty ones. he really needs to clean this place. he just didn't really see the point in anything.
he stays with his head against his knees for a minute, then slowly lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. his hands are still trembling. he didn't think that could happen here, but the trauma Endeavor caused is so deeply engrained in his head, its even here in a damn simulation. Dabi wonders what would happen if he'd shut that part off. would he be a different person completely?
when he looks over at Keigo he realizes that trauma has extended to him too. this is what he wanted to stop. he wanted to end endeavor so nothing like this could ever happen again. it makes him so angry knowing he died trying, but didn't even have a chance once Keigo betrayed him.
he swallows that angry feeling down, looking down at his hands. ]
Are you... are you okay?
[Keigo was violated too, because of him. because of Endeavor's damn obsession with ruining his son and everything worth anything in this world. Dabi looks up at Keigo with sad eyes and says something he's sure he hasn't said since he was a child.]
[keigo hums, closing the door to the fridge and looking around the appliance. he finds the bottles there, some empty, some full. hard liquor too. he wonders if dabi spends his time drinking or getting high on drugs here. it makes him sad that his former lover has been suffering this entire time, and keigo couldn't do that one thing for him. but, he's also happy to be here at this moment, with dabi. it makes up for every single one of endeavor's disgusting touches that ever caressed his body.
looking over the bottle, keigo takes one he knows to be particularly hard. not that he desires to get blackout drunk, but it would certainly take some of the edge off. he's positive they both need that. they're both suffering from trauma.
he turns to face dabi with the bottle when he catches that question. he opens his mouth to answer, but then closes it. he tries to think how to answer it properly, but it leaves him standing awkwardly in the kitchen.
he'd be lying if he says he wasn't okay. but it's more than that.
again, dabi is able to snap him from his thoughts so easily, this time by his apology. it catches keigo off guard. he almost drops the bottle in his hand. his former lover has such sad eyes. it pulls at the hero's heart.]
You don't have to apologize.
[he responds back, giving a small smile. a sad one. then, coming back over with the liquor, keigo kneels back down in front of his former lover. he wants to touch and caress dabi like he used to, to snuggle in warm arms and long kisses. it always made everything better.]
I..I'm terrified. Of him. For us. But, when I look at you, all I feel is warmth. Like, I'm free in the skies again.
[keigo states honestly, trying to give a better smile, one less sad. putting the bottle between them, he twists it open, then offers it to his former lover.]
I'm sorry too, Dabi. For everything I've done. If I had told you what was going on, if I had trusted you back then...I'm so s-sorry.
[his voice breaks at the end, keigo's breath shaky as he tries to fight back crying again. he's just so tired of crying. just one big emotional flightless bird now. swallowing, keigo raises up his arm to rub his eyes.
he truly deserved everything bad that's happened to him in his life due to that betrayal. he couldn't take any of it back, as desperate as keigo desires to do so.]
[ dabi's been doing exactly that. drinking, doing drugs, fucking around with whoever could ruin him, just to get his mind away from everything that's been happening.
it's only worked in bits and pieces, temporarily. nothing could ever be like keigo again.
dabi knows that asking keigo if he's okay is a big question. it would be big for him too, especially in a place like this, or one back in reality. but keigo has a hard time answering, and he has a feeling his apology means more anyway. at least he hopes it does even in some small way. ]
I do, though.
[he says quietly as keigo comes to kneel before him. and oh, how he longs for keigo to reach out, but he's not even sure they're there yet, even with the small smile on keigo's face. it all seems so distant from anything they've ever done. He wishes they were free. They could have been.
he hesitates with the offered drink but he takes it, even if he doesn't drink from the bottle just yet. he just lets keigo talk, dolling out his own apologies and the sad stories that have gotten them here. he wants to just accept it for what it is. in the end none of it really matters anyway, he tells himself. deep down though, he knows it does otherwise he wouldn't have been so hurt by it all. everything with Keigo has always meant something more. ]
Keigo...
[ he used to be so angered by Keigo's tears. they were unfair, he thought. why should Keigo be crying over something he did? something he ruined? but there's so much more to it than that, and Dabi hates seeing those tears now.
they're both so sad and so broken, and none of that is fair either. Dabi is so tired of fighting and surviving off nothing when all he's wanted to do is curl up with Keigo again. he thought he'd never have that again, but suddenly it's here in front of him.
he sighs heavily, spreading his knees so he can reach out to the other man. he grabs his arms and tugs him between his legs, pulling him tight against his body so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
I want you to feel that warmth again. I want us to be free.
[maybe it's good that keigo doesn't know what dabi has been up to while here. although, he can't exactly blame the former villain, given what he's been through. even keigo feels like he should lose himself with enough alcohol to properly cleanse himself.
rather, maybe he really needs to lose himself to dabi's warm arms. maybe in due time, he tells himself.
the apology stirs something within keigo's chest. it makes him appreciative, glad to have heard it, despite that he told dabi it wasn't needed. his former lover pressuring that it did matter only gets keigo to keen. it means more than he expects.]
Thank you.
[he whispers out, keeping the apology dear to him. he would have never expected to receive it, given what he's done, what he's deserved to be placed where he's at. yes. it definitely means a lot more than he ever expected.
hearing his name does get keigo to drop his arm from his wet eyes. he's so tired of crying. he just wants to smile and laugh with dabi again. to tease, bicker, and jest. to be happy again. he would give anything to curl up with his former lover again, whispering breathless words that always placed a smile at his lips.
keigo is almost taken back when dabi's knees spread open and then his arms are urged forward, a move the former hero doesn't fight. he eagerly comes forward, wanting nothing more than this.]
Dabi...
[he breathes his old lover's name, nosing against dabi's collarbone while his arms circle around the thin waist. his fingers take to the back of dabi's shirt, gripping tightly, afraid to let go. he wants to cry. he wants to smile. but instead, all he does it breathe in his former lover's scent.]
I'll do anything for it, anything for you. I want to feel your warmth again.
[ it's definitely good that keigo doesn't know what dabi's been up to while he's been here. it hurts him to his core. he can't imagine it would hurt keigo any less. for a long while he thought all of what keigo had said was a lie. that he didn't care about him at all and that it was only a job.
it's hard to believe that now, though, especially once keigo told him everything. no one would go through all that for someone who was just a job. while it still hurts that keigo betrayed him anyway, he still wants to hold on to the rest of what it meant.
the rest? he has to try and let go of if they're going to try and make something work. he knows both of them deserve more than just an apology, but he hopes it's a good start.
once keigo is in his arms, dabi wills warmth back into his body like he used to have. he knows he isn't like that anymore, but he can make it a part of himself again, can't he? just like when he decides to have his scars. having keigo in his arms feels like the biggest relief imaginable. it feels like coming home. dabi closes his eyes and holds him tightly, burying his face into keigo's hair. it's been so long. too long and it makes him tear up. without his scars it's as if he can't seem to stop.]
We gotta figure out a way to fix this.
[not just the thing with endeavor's hold, but between them too. everything around them is broken.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he's so bone tired and all he wants is Keigo. it's so utterly unfair.
and now his father has taken that away from him too. maybe he should blame Keigo for it, for betraying him and going off with endeavor instead, but there was no hope for anything after their last meeting and maybe Keigo really just did what he had to do.
when his former lover comes to kneel in front of him, cupping his cheeks, Dabi closes his eyes and more tears spill out. he always cried too much when he was little, and now it seems to be all the same. but when he feels that flap of wings he opens his eyes again, wrapped in that familiar warmth he's been craving so much, and he turns his cheek into the other man's hand. the one without the ring.]
You were supposed to be free. After all'a this you were supposed to be free.
[hadn't that been what Keigo wanted all along? in the end they're both miserable now. for what? he remembers Keigo saying that betraying him was worth it, but then what?]
I don't need it if you stay. Just come back here.
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but he ruined it. he fucked it all up. and he regrets it. every second to each day. he no longer has that warmth. his days and nights are filled with a cold room and burning hands.
in the end, he would take it all though. he would do anything, so long as he could give dabi the last thing he wanted. and keigo is more desperate to fulfill that wish.
more tears come to form, and keigo softly wipes them away. it's breaking him on the inside so much to see dabi like this. he wants to cry with his former lover too, but keigo has to put on a strong front. he didn't want dabi to worry about him.
a sad smile takes to his lips when the other man comes to turn his cheek to his right hand. keigo takes that as a cue to instead use his left to comb through dabi's hair.]
So were you.
[both of them should have been freed. however, it's one spider web to the next. they keep getting caught.
the combing of that hair stalls for a brief second as keigo finds his breath stolen from him. all from dabi's words. i want to stay. it's on his tongue. i want to be here with you. he could say it. he should say it. he wants to say it.
despite the strong face he tries so hard to keep up, keigo can feel wetness at his lashes. he could wipe them away, could pull away to do so. instead, he moves forward, wrapping his arms around dabi's waist, nosing his face right into his former lover's shoulder while cocooning them further with his wings.]
I-I want to. I want to be here with you.
[he whispers so softly against dabi's shoulder.]
But what if he comes here? Looking for us?
[there's so much fear in his tone, his body even trembling. he can't even hide it. how pathetic to be scared like he was.]
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he hasn't had anyone wipe his tears away for a very long time, and that hurts too, but he longs to pull Keigo into his arms just like he used to.
they were both supposed to be free. now it's as if they're trapped in an endless nightmare. why did Keigo have to betray him? the world would have been better off without hero society. without Endeavor.]
We could have been.
[they could have run away after it was all over. all he wanted was to bring endeavor down and now that monster is still a thorn at his side. for him to just take Keigo like that... to use him. it's all these pro-heroes seem to be able to do.
Dabi is so angry about it all over again, but then Keigo wraps his arms around him and Dabi is weak to it. he's so damn weak to it, just like he's always been. ]
You should've let me kill him. That's all I wanted to do, Keigo.
[he lets his head drop down to Keigo's shoulder.]
You can still do it.
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but he can leave this heat, this familiar feeling, if he could save dabi. it's all he can do now. how else is he able to give his former lover anything else? keigo was no good. useless. worthless. confined to a private room thanks to endeavor, to remain from the public view. even if he's here, it wouldn't be freedom. eventually, endeavor will start to show up.
the only freedom he has is within his thoughts and dreams, where he always has his mind on scarred flesh and warm hands.
if he knew what he knows now, keigo would have immediately told dabi anything and everything that day. would never have betrayed his lover. he always knew hero society was rotten. how could he not? he saw it often. but he wanted to be a different hero, one who was there only for the civilians and innocent. he didn't care for money or fame.
there's no place to think about the past though. he's in the present, looking to the cold, dark future. he can't run away to safety with dabi in the real world. endeavor runs that world, with power and money. and eventually, the man would be here, to do the same. keigo knows it. this simulated society was his golden ticket. he would have everything he wanted here.]
I wish you could kill him.
[keigo whispers, holding tighter to dabi. he's never felt death as the right way. he hated it, in fact. but, someone like endeavor, deserved it. confined to the private room thanks to endeavor, he has no way of seeking help. he's stuck to that bed, only left to feel burning hands and his painful death.
with a shaky breath, he noses into soft hair as his former lover drops his head to his shoulder.]
Are you sure, Dabi? I want nothing more than to be with you. But...I want to protect you too.
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how could any of it have been worth it with a monster like that in charge?
There was a time where Dabi might have been thrilled at how fucked over Keigo had gotten because of what a traitor he was, but now all he feels is anguish over the way things turned out. ]
There's gotta be a way to stop him. If you can talk to Natsu, he can help you.
[Dabi is sure of it. Natsuo knows everything their father had done.
When Keigo drops his head down, Dabi finally does what he never thought he'd do again. he puts his arms around Keigo, fingers curling into his shirt.
he knows he has a make a decision now. he has to be the one to let go.]
Stay. We can have a different life here than we could've had before. I dunno what kind but we can try.
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still, if dabi trusted in natsuo, keigo did too. the only one the former hero was capable of believing in, was this man right here.
it makes him feel worst that he betrayed this person. so much time in that lonely hospital bed, alone with his thoughts, has made it possible for keigo to understand. he does care for the innocent, but dabi's aim had always been his own father. keigo wish he had truly known. however, he understands why he didn't know.
he can't turn back time unfortunately. gods. he desperately wished he could.
he almost smiles at the thought. the two of them, runaways, being hunted down.
as those arms come to wrap around him, keigo relaxes, breathing out softly. home. this really was home right here. he doesn't want to ever leave this again. he couldn't bare it.]
I want to stay here. I don't want to ever leave you again.
[no more hero commission. no more responsibility. no more dying. no more endeavor. only dabi.]
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and suddenly dabi feels like he has a goal again, even if there isn't a whole lot he can do from here. he's dead, but at least he can try.
dabi wishes keigo would have just talked to him the last time he was here, but he was too angry and felt too broken, and even though he wanted to give keigo a chance, maybe he wasn't ready. and now? now it feels like it could be too late, but keigo is still in his arms, so maybe it doesn't have to be.
it's dark around them now, the sun having set. it means they still have time, though. a handful of hours where they can try to talk some things out. ]
We've got a good amount'a time still tonight, yeah? Let's talk. I think we really need to talk.
[as hard as it might be. dabi wants a conversation with no lies. he wants to talk to keigo as a person, not some commission puppet doing a job. he pulls back slowly, looking at keigo. even with the tear stained eyes he's as beautiful as ever. dabi's heart clenches. it's been so long.]
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he won't have a lot of time to put it into motion. keigo wanted to make his time short within reality, before endeavor caught onto their plan. and, maybe a selfish part of him didn't want to separate for long from dabi. if he had the time and power, he would quickly send separation papers to endeavor, just to be petty and spiteful.
the sky has lit up with stars, the city lights brightening the sky not too far away either. it's peaceful here, compared to the city life. the night was still early, he notes. plenty of time to share with dabi. keigo doesn't mind what they do. he just wanted to stay close to his former lover before he returns back to reality. at least it'll be a short leave.
dabi's voice breaks his inner thoughts and keigo nods his head in agreement.]
Yeah. We need to talk.
[no matter what, they needed to do it. if keigo wanted to stay here, and be with dabi, he needed to set things right. he had to be clear and honest.
keigo was so tired of lying.
as dabi comes to pull back, the former hero finds himself cupping the other man's cheek with his right hand briefly. then, getting to his feet, he offers the same hand out.]
Let's go inside.
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dabi had really thought keigo had died. he had done some grieving of his own. instead, keigo is here with him now, and they're finally going to get to talk. he's glad keigo agrees.
in the end, maybe all dabi really needed was some time. he mights still need some more time with some things, like when keigo stands up and holds his hand out. dabi averts his gaze, letting it settle on the other man's left hand and the ring there. his throat tightens up and he pushes himself to his feet instead, eyes stuck on the terror that is the ring and everything it means. ]
I... I just... I need some time before I can...
[he tears his gaze away and looks at keigo's face again, and just nods his head toward the house. he shoves his hands in his pockets, but he moves in closer to keigo as they walk. it's not that he doesn't want to be close, it's just that it still hurts when he tries.]
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it's also hard to have dabi avert his gaze on him, where he notes it settles on his left hand. and it does leave him feeling sad, but not because of dabi's actions, but because of what was there. nothing more than endeavor's property. he's quietly tried willing it away, yet the ring remains. he's positive it has something to do with the number one hero. when he's back in reality, he'll officially remove it, throw it from the window and hope it's lost forever and never returns to his finger.]
That's okay. I understand.
[keigo replies in return, and returns his hands to his side. he wills his wings away then, to make it easier to move around. he's become oddly familiar with their loss. he hasn't had much time to grieve over their loss either. he's focused more on losing dabi than anything else.
walking back to the house, keigo stays quiet, trying to get his thoughts in order. he wants to tell everything to dabi, not leave a single thing out. but his inner mind pauses when he feels how close dabi comes, and it leaves the former hero feeling warm. he knows he doesn't deserve such a motion yet, so it makes him happy that dabi goes the extra mile for it.]
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dabi knows he's only pushed himself deeper here in san junipero. he's been even less kind to himself here than when he was alive. he knows how fucked up that is, but he's always been fucked up. at least keigo had always been patient enough with him, until last time.
but at least he's being patient with dabi now. he wants to be angry that keigo isn't willing the ring away, but he has a feeling he can't, and that's more fucked up than anything. isn't this supposed to be a version of heaven?
so he tries to avoid looking at the ring, glancing at keigo's face instead as they head back to the house. it's strange just walking with him like this in silence. it's never been like this before. it's not a bad thing, though. it's comfortable, like a sigh of relief. like something that isn't strained. he knows it won't stay like this but it's nice to see that it's possible.
the other thing he tries to avoid looking at is keigo's back. seeing the wings disappear reminds him of what happened. his own hands took those wings away. they were the price to pay for keigo's betrayal.
does he regret it now? he's not sure.
once he leads them back inside, he drags his fingers through his hair, then goes over to pick the table up that he knocked over. the vase is perfectly in place, of course, with not even a chip.]
S'kind of a mess in here. I wasn't expectin' company.
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it gives him so much hope though. dabi is willing to give him this chance. with plenty of time to think everything over, he knows without a doubt that he wants this more than life itself.
coming inside, keigo brushes off the sand, trying his best to be respectful and not lead any into dabi's home. after, he comes in further, offering a small smile to his former lover's remark.]
That's okay. You've seen the way I kept my home.
[at least, his bedroom. clothes were always thrown around. very soon, his kitchen began to gather one mess after the next when he would have dabi over more often.
quickly, he shoos the memory away, coming to kneel down and help pick up a few bits of clutter that were thrown about due to the table.]
...After the attack at Kamino, my handlers approached me and commanded I infiltrate the League of Villains to get to Shigaraki. They..I couldn't refuse. So I agreed.
[keigo starts off quietly after a brief few seconds, slowly setting the knickknacks back into place.]
I, well, I chose you on my own. I heard you were in charge of scouting for members. The Hero Commissioners wanted me to use someone else.
[he never was too sure of why though. but he never questioned it. his handlers had plenty of secrets that keigo never could discover further.]
I thought you were pretty cool too. Fire quirks always fascinated me. [something he should regret finding an interest in, considering the damage and fear he holds towards it now. but, then he also might have never fell for dabi if that was the case.] I had free range of what intel to give you, no matter the consequences. My handlers told me to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing someone innocent, including civilians.
[it's hard to not find disgust in that. he hated how easy the hero commission made it sound. no one deserved to die. but at that time, he had been their puppet to utilize.]
I told them in detail of each meeting we had, until..well, our first night having sex. I did that all on my own. I did start it off because I wanted to keep the peace between us, but it escalated, and I became selfishly wanting to keep it between us. From there, everything involving our intimacy or relationship, I never told my handlers. Towards the end though, a week or two before I came to join the Liberation Front, I started to give very little to my handlers. Then after, I hardly talked with them. I told them it was because I had eyes on me all the time, but honestly, I was...
[his breath catches, and he has to pause. his eyes were beginning to wet too, and keigo pulls away from the table.]
...sorry. [it's said quietly, before he clears his throat.] I read that book to Jin, and you know, talking about it in detail to him, I started to..get it. Like, believe in it. Then, I started to think back to my conversations with you, and it just...made sense. No one would believe heroes to be the bad guys, yet so many of them corrupt society. By then though, I had already notified Endeavor when to strike.
[the last part is said on a trembling tongue. it's one of the many greatest mistakes. if only he had been stopped, or if endeavor hadn't been able to know the full extent of the passage.]
A few nights before..that day, my handlers reached out a final time. They wanted another update. I refused. They...the threats started. Small, first. About ruining my reputation. Tossing me to the wolves. I really didn't care. I never wanted to be in the top. But, then they brought my mom into it, that she could be arrested for her petty crimes, and maybe have the chance to live while in prison.
[his breath is coming in low as he tries to fight back the wetness at his eyes. he wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. he had to be honest.]
...they threatened to kill you next.
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his place looks messier than keigo's does, most likely. he hasn't had any reason to care.]
Yeah... I remember.
[it's true, keigo was messy all the time and once dabi started coming over more often he'd pick up after the stupid bird. do dishes, put his shit together. he'd usually get there before keigo did so he was bored. that's what he always told himself anyway. but now? nothing matters. maybe he could will it all into cleanliness, but he hasn't bothered to try.
he doesn't expect keigo to start telling him everything right away, but it's probably a good idea. this is what he had wanted to hear.
he leans against the closest wall and listens, crossing his arms as he watches his former lover closely. he frowns when keigo says he was always fascinated by fire users. all it does is remind him of endeavor, and how attached keigo is to him now. how attached in a different way he used to be to him before. it's sickening, and he can already feel himself start to get sick. even more so when keigo goes on about the hero commission telling him that he needed to do what needed to be done, even if it meant killing innocents.]
Wow, Keigo. Dontcha think that was a red flag? Like, you go on about heroes savin' innocent people, but then they tell ya that and you go along with it?
[he shakes his head, looking away, and then he tries to shut up, because he wants to hear the rest. no use getting angry about this now. it's hard to temper his anger down, though. he digs his nails into his arms until they hurt. it's all he can do to keep himself grounded while he listens to all of this.
to think, keigo ratted them out to endeavor of all people.]
All those times I called ya out and you made me seem like I was crazy. All those times I was wonderin' just what you were tellin' your handlers and ya kept askin' me why I didn't trust you. You lied to my face so many times, Keigo. I think that's what fuckin' gets me the most.
[that deep, intense hurt he never thought he was capable of feeling again. keigo did all of that willingly. and then the truth of what the hero commission did- what they threatened him with.... dabi can hardly believe it now.]
So ya did it because they blackmailed you. Not... because'a what you believed in. You could'a fuckin' told me. You could'a not did what those bastards who were usin' you and fuckin' you over were tellin' you what to do. You could'a made them pay, especially after what they tried to pull.
[it makes him feel sick, and he pushes away from the wall, turning away and dragging his fingers through his hair. he has to walk away towards the window because he needs more space, and then he stops there and turns around again, leaning against the wall.]
How'd I die, Keigo? I was fightin' that piece'a shit and then I don't remember anythin' after that.
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he can't help but send an apologetic look to his former lover though. it might be useless now, but he regrets it. fuck. he regrets it every second of every day. he told so many lies. how could anyone come to trust him again? the handlers had successfully manipulated him into the little boy who cries wolf.
but he made that choice. even if his puppet strings were pulled at times, he still did it. he had no one else to blame but himself.]
They started using me from the first day they bought me. You know...when I told you how I wanted them gone? I wasn't lying then. I wish I could have gone in, hell blazing, and ripped them to shreds with my feathers.
[but, he didn't like killing. he couldn't do it. they were in power for a reason. keigo never could have put them in their spot. maybe...if he had been honest to dabi about his handlers, it would have worked. but, he also wouldn't have wanted to place dabi in any kind of danger either.
he watches the way dabi heads to the window. a part of him wants to go there too, but he gives the former villain his space. instead, keigo finally wills his feet to walk and take him to a couch and sit down.
the death regarding his old lover makes him ill. he knows more than he ever did before. if he wasn't bedridden upon learning the news, he would have slaughtered again.]
...you went into a coma. I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm positive Endeavor had something to do with it. Your body was shutting down. Endeavor immediately uploaded you here to San Junipero. For a few weeks, we were just told you died. Nothing more than that.
[it had been so heartbreaking though. he screamed so much when learning of dabi's death. it about killed him.]
My handlers had promised to keep you alive. So, I immediately went to them and ask what the hell happened. They told me about San Junipero. I broke into the lab and one of the technicians was able to hook me up. I couldn't stay longer than half a day, otherwise it scrambles the mind. But, Endeavor, he...
[he feels his mouth drying, a hard ache coming to his chest as he tries to process his thoughts, tries to figure out the best way to say the rest of it.]
He knew what I was doing. After my first visit here, he kept demanding I tell him how you were doing. I told him I didn't see you. My body started to decline after that. He kept bugging me to upload to San Junipero so I can live here. He started asking me to marry and be with him in reality and here. Your mom had divorced him when she found out you were uploaded here. I knew I could use that to terminate you. But I didn't really see his true colors until I returned from the last time.
[subconsciously, keigo finds himself digging his fingernails into the palm of his hands. he stares hard at the floor, focusing on a speck to the ground so he can properly speak the rest.]
...he was on top of me when I came to. My clothes were off, and he was burning me. I couldn't even struggle or scream or anything. He kept..he called me Touya. Over and over. Asked if we kissed or fuck and that he could taste you on me. Told me to scream for Dabi until he was done. When he threatened to upload here, and hunt you down himself...I told him I would marry him, as long as he terminated you.
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[but keigo betrayed him anyway and it's hard to believe these words when dabi had been so upfront about it all. dabi was going to make things right for both of them and keigo had thrown it all away. keigo wouldn't have had to kill them if he didn't want to. dabi would have done it all.
but that's never how things were going to work out, and it's hard for dabi to feel bad about that part.
but it's how the rest of it unfolds that has dabi digging his nails deeper into his skin. he was in a coma. is he still in a coma? did he not really die? his mind is already buzzing, but then it all hits him even harder. so much more happened than he could have possibly imagined.
it keeps getting worse and worse, and dabi doesn't even have it in himself to keep digging his nails into his skin. his arms drop at his sides, trembling.
in his heart he always knew if he didn't face his father and end him, he would turn into the biggest monster imaginable. he would take and destroy, and hide behind the mask of a hero like no one else ever could. now it seems like he's unstoppable, because everyone stopped him from killing the man, and he snatched keigo away while he was at it, because... he knew. somehow he knew what the two of them were to each other.
it's so much to take in. it's too much, and dabi sinks to the ground, staring at a spot on the floor. endeavor is truly obsessed with him, just like he had always been. dabi didn't get a chance to kill him and end this when he could.
there's that, and the fact that keigo doesn't know the truth of everything endeavor did to him. somehow he doesn't seem too surprised though.]
He's...
[it's all he manages to get out before he feels himself start to fall apart. it shouldn't be like this here. he should be able to turn it off and not have to feel. but it's almost like he feels even more while being here, and his whole body is shaking now as he pulls his knees up, curling into himself.
he can't do this. he doesn't think he can do it at all.
he doesn't will his usual stapled scars back, but his brain can't help but supply what had always been on his body when he was younger. burnt flesh, bruises and marks across almost every inch of his skin. ]
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despite that they took him away from the hero anyway.
the more he explains, he doesn't realize what it's doing to his former lover. not until he finishes and then looks up, sees that dabi has collapsed to the ground. worriedly, keigo gets onto shaky feet. he might collapse himself. he feels so sick. he could have just dealt with this pain. he could do anything for dabi.
but. fuck. endeavor manipulated him the entire time. he kept dabi here, suffering all by himself.
when he sees dabi's skin morphing to burnt flesh and bruises, he can't help but to hurry over to his former lover. he's not sure what to say or do, but dabi is suffering, and keigo had to help.]
D-Dabi, hey, look at me.
[he stutters while coming to kneel down. he shouldn't have said that much. he should have blocked out that night completely. but...what if dabi found out later? and not from him?]
Please.
[trembling hands come to rest at dabi's ankles, too nervous to try anywhere higher. keigo...has an idea of what was going on, judging by his former lover's reaction.]
It's okay. He can't reach you. I'm..I'm here.
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and now he was trying to do it all over again. with him, with keigo. endeavor is obsessed, and there's nothing dabi can do about it now. he's already felt so trapped here, but this is really going to push him to the edge.
he doesn't even realize what's happening until keigo is suddenly in front of him, cold hands on his ankles. everything shifts in front of him and he tenses up hard, raising an arm to protect himself before he realizes who it is.
his eyes are wide as he focuses on keigo, breathing heavily as he comes back to himself and everything fades back off his skin. ]
We gotta kill him, Keigo. We gotta get rid'a him. I can't... we can't... we can't let him do this. He can't take you from me too.
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why didn't he just listen to dabi? they should both be alive, living together still, with their pasts behind them.
thankfully, he can see dabi coming to, the marks fading from his former lover's skin. it makes keigo breathe in, relax just a little. he's still worried though. he had to protect dabi from endeavor, now that he knew better.
keigo doesn't even mind hearing that the monster had to die. this was a death he could get behind and agree with. so long as he had dabi here, with him.]
I won't ever let him have me again.
[he states with intent, giving a gentle grip of his fingers at dabi's ankles.]
But..we need a plan to get rid of him. For good.
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still, he wishes keigo would have told him any of this much sooner. if he had told him the truth when he asked, maybe none of this would have happened. he still doesn't understand why keigo got out of the car that day and walked away, instead of telling him all of this.
the worst part is, this was after the betrayal and keigo hadn't even really tried all that hard to tell him.
but that's never how things go, dabi knows that well by now.
when he finally gets his breathing under control and his hands stop shaking, he lets his forehead fall onto his bent knees. he stays like that for a long moment, too tired to lash out again. he tries to focus on keigo's hands on his ankles. they always felt so different on him. ]
I need... I need a minute. I need a fuckin' drink.
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still, that night in the car was different than talking with dabi now. there's no insults, no taunts. as hard as it was to tell dabi everything, the other man had given keigo that patience. and, maybe, he wasn't sure where to start before. but the last month, it's all he could think about, wishing he could have told dabi all that happened.
it's in the past. keigo had to focus on the here and now, and getting rid of endeavor. the monster would come for them soon. a part of him is even afraid to wake up, that he'll have that man over his body again.
but, then dabi's words break keigo of his thoughts. he gives another squeeze before getting up to his feet.]
I'll get it.
[he needed to clear his head too. thinking about the end of the night was bringing up unsettling memories. he could act fast before endeavor even notices, but then again, the man had to be stopped completely.
coming into the kitchen, he pulls open the fridge and looks inside.]
Beer, right? Or water?
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[there are full bottles there next to empty ones. he really needs to clean this place. he just didn't really see the point in anything.
he stays with his head against his knees for a minute, then slowly lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his face. his hands are still trembling. he didn't think that could happen here, but the trauma Endeavor caused is so deeply engrained in his head, its even here in a damn simulation. Dabi wonders what would happen if he'd shut that part off. would he be a different person completely?
when he looks over at Keigo he realizes that trauma has extended to him too. this is what he wanted to stop. he wanted to end endeavor so nothing like this could ever happen again. it makes him so angry knowing he died trying, but didn't even have a chance once Keigo betrayed him.
he swallows that angry feeling down, looking down at his hands. ]
Are you... are you okay?
[Keigo was violated too, because of him. because of Endeavor's damn obsession with ruining his son and everything worth anything in this world. Dabi looks up at Keigo with sad eyes and says something he's sure he hasn't said since he was a child.]
I'm sorry.
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[keigo hums, closing the door to the fridge and looking around the appliance. he finds the bottles there, some empty, some full. hard liquor too. he wonders if dabi spends his time drinking or getting high on drugs here. it makes him sad that his former lover has been suffering this entire time, and keigo couldn't do that one thing for him. but, he's also happy to be here at this moment, with dabi. it makes up for every single one of endeavor's disgusting touches that ever caressed his body.
looking over the bottle, keigo takes one he knows to be particularly hard. not that he desires to get blackout drunk, but it would certainly take some of the edge off. he's positive they both need that. they're both suffering from trauma.
he turns to face dabi with the bottle when he catches that question. he opens his mouth to answer, but then closes it. he tries to think how to answer it properly, but it leaves him standing awkwardly in the kitchen.
he'd be lying if he says he wasn't okay. but it's more than that.
again, dabi is able to snap him from his thoughts so easily, this time by his apology. it catches keigo off guard. he almost drops the bottle in his hand. his former lover has such sad eyes. it pulls at the hero's heart.]
You don't have to apologize.
[he responds back, giving a small smile. a sad one. then, coming back over with the liquor, keigo kneels back down in front of his former lover. he wants to touch and caress dabi like he used to, to snuggle in warm arms and long kisses. it always made everything better.]
I..I'm terrified. Of him. For us. But, when I look at you, all I feel is warmth. Like, I'm free in the skies again.
[keigo states honestly, trying to give a better smile, one less sad. putting the bottle between them, he twists it open, then offers it to his former lover.]
I'm sorry too, Dabi. For everything I've done. If I had told you what was going on, if I had trusted you back then...I'm so s-sorry.
[his voice breaks at the end, keigo's breath shaky as he tries to fight back crying again. he's just so tired of crying. just one big emotional flightless bird now. swallowing, keigo raises up his arm to rub his eyes.
he truly deserved everything bad that's happened to him in his life due to that betrayal. he couldn't take any of it back, as desperate as keigo desires to do so.]
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it's only worked in bits and pieces, temporarily. nothing could ever be like keigo again.
dabi knows that asking keigo if he's okay is a big question. it would be big for him too, especially in a place like this, or one back in reality. but keigo has a hard time answering, and he has a feeling his apology means more anyway. at least he hopes it does even in some small way. ]
I do, though.
[he says quietly as keigo comes to kneel before him. and oh, how he longs for keigo to reach out, but he's not even sure they're there yet, even with the small smile on keigo's face. it all seems so distant from anything they've ever done. He wishes they were free. They could have been.
he hesitates with the offered drink but he takes it, even if he doesn't drink from the bottle just yet. he just lets keigo talk, dolling out his own apologies and the sad stories that have gotten them here. he wants to just accept it for what it is. in the end none of it really matters anyway, he tells himself. deep down though, he knows it does otherwise he wouldn't have been so hurt by it all. everything with Keigo has always meant something more. ]
Keigo...
[ he used to be so angered by Keigo's tears. they were unfair, he thought. why should Keigo be crying over something he did? something he ruined? but there's so much more to it than that, and Dabi hates seeing those tears now.
they're both so sad and so broken, and none of that is fair either. Dabi is so tired of fighting and surviving off nothing when all he's wanted to do is curl up with Keigo again. he thought he'd never have that again, but suddenly it's here in front of him.
he sighs heavily, spreading his knees so he can reach out to the other man. he grabs his arms and tugs him between his legs, pulling him tight against his body so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
I want you to feel that warmth again. I want us to be free.
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rather, maybe he really needs to lose himself to dabi's warm arms. maybe in due time, he tells himself.
the apology stirs something within keigo's chest. it makes him appreciative, glad to have heard it, despite that he told dabi it wasn't needed. his former lover pressuring that it did matter only gets keigo to keen. it means more than he expects.]
Thank you.
[he whispers out, keeping the apology dear to him. he would have never expected to receive it, given what he's done, what he's deserved to be placed where he's at. yes. it definitely means a lot more than he ever expected.
hearing his name does get keigo to drop his arm from his wet eyes. he's so tired of crying. he just wants to smile and laugh with dabi again. to tease, bicker, and jest. to be happy again. he would give anything to curl up with his former lover again, whispering breathless words that always placed a smile at his lips.
keigo is almost taken back when dabi's knees spread open and then his arms are urged forward, a move the former hero doesn't fight. he eagerly comes forward, wanting nothing more than this.]
Dabi...
[he breathes his old lover's name, nosing against dabi's collarbone while his arms circle around the thin waist. his fingers take to the back of dabi's shirt, gripping tightly, afraid to let go. he wants to cry. he wants to smile. but instead, all he does it breathe in his former lover's scent.]
I'll do anything for it, anything for you. I want to feel your warmth again.
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it's hard to believe that now, though, especially once keigo told him everything. no one would go through all that for someone who was just a job. while it still hurts that keigo betrayed him anyway, he still wants to hold on to the rest of what it meant.
the rest? he has to try and let go of if they're going to try and make something work. he knows both of them deserve more than just an apology, but he hopes it's a good start.
once keigo is in his arms, dabi wills warmth back into his body like he used to have. he knows he isn't like that anymore, but he can make it a part of himself again, can't he? just like when he decides to have his scars. having keigo in his arms feels like the biggest relief imaginable. it feels like coming home. dabi closes his eyes and holds him tightly, burying his face into keigo's hair. it's been so long. too long and it makes him tear up. without his scars it's as if he can't seem to stop.]
We gotta figure out a way to fix this.
[not just the thing with endeavor's hold, but between them too. everything around them is broken.]
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