creamation | (no subject)

[there really is no easy way of saying it. even the bare minimum. he could give little, but dabi would eventually discover more. this place was to go live, after all. keigo wanted to be the one to tell the other man. dabi deserved to know instead of walking around and living aimlessly.]

Your family chose your appearance.

[keigo admits easily enough. he recalls hearing one of the brothers, natsuo, stating to give dabi his old body back.

the denial starts to come in, and keigo expects it. it was lunacy when the hero first heard of it. endeavor, with his power and money, was already much involved with the project. keigo wasn't surprised though. even if endeavor had tried to hide it.

ferocious as ever, dabi comes to shove him to the wall, forcing a surprised noise to escape keigo's mouth. in response, he braces his hands over dabi's wrist, lips turned into a frown as he looks up into bright blue eyes. they're a clear reminder of his quirk. a quirk he no longer had access to.]

Do you really think there's a quirk this powerful? Have you tried to destroy anything here? It immediately fixes itself. Just-

[he cuts himself off for a brief second, looking down at dabi's arm.]

-will your scars. Think about them on your body.

[ the more he hears the worse it gets. but it's like all the fake walls come crumbling down. before this he was aimless but he had hope. hope that he'd wake up or get out of here or somehow escape.

what could he possibly escape to now if he really is dead? nothing.

nothing.

hearing that his family chose his appearance only angers him more, and he growls, pulling his hand back to let out a burst of flames that are no longer there. he punches the wall instead, so hard that he should bleed, but of course he doesn't bleed. it barely even hurts at all. ]

The fuck do I know what kinda Quirks you assholes have got?!

[he growls, then pulls back, letting go of keigo completely. he takes a few steps back, looking down at his arms, his hands. he realizes he's shaking a bit, because of course he is. it's not every day you hear you're dead, especially from someone you started to care about, who ended up betraying you so completely.

but then he shakes his head. he doesn't want to do it. not here, not now, not in front of him. his hands clench into fists and he looks at keigo darkly again.]

I don't fuckin' believe you. I ain't dead. You're just fucking with me all over again. Get the fuck away from me before I find a way to kill you.

[did keigo expect this to be an easy discussion? no. definitely not. it's why he doesn't flinch when dabi growls before punching the wall. there's no flames. he's coming to realize that. and, even if quirks had been within this simulated reality, it wasn't like it would hurt. keigo had his pain set to zero.

now, whether or not the fire would set off his anxiety was another story. he was still weary of heat and fire all together.

he hates how dabi pulls away, but this time, keigo doesn't follow. dabi is only a few feet away though.

it does hurt to see the pain there. it's not every day you're told you had died. keigo was still coming to terms with it. dabi was alive there, in front of him. it was all thanks to technology. but, in the real world, where everything was real, there's only ash left in dabi's presence, and a broken hero regretting his decisions.

keigo finds himself sighing and running a hand through his hair. he knows what time it is. he...wish he had more of it. but getting just this much was a blessing. he shouldn't even be here. he wasn't dying or elderly...]

Dabi, I'm sorry.

[for what, he doesn't elaborate.]

I-

[he can't finish because it's suddenly black in front of him, and keigo knows immediately that midnight had struck. reality. he was to go back to reality.

it leaves him feeling sour and miserable. he wanted to tell dabi so much more. time really had flown quicker than he expected.]

[ if dabi had ever gotten the choice, maybe he would have set his pain to zero. or maybe it isn't a mental zero because he's definitely feeling this, even if the pain in his hand is completely tolerable. why wouldn't anyone realize that the emotional pain is even worse?

he doesn't get much after that though, and part of him wishes he would. he wants keigo gone, but he also wants to understand. he doesn't know what midnight means though, because he's never left this place before.

he's left standing in that alleyway all alone with this shitty explanation and a sorry that he isn't anywhere close to wanting to hear. there's a space where keigo used to be, and now he's wondering if maybe everything the other man was saying was true or not.

he can't be dead. how can he be dead?

he's so confused and angry right now, though. he doesn't want to think about it anymore. it's too much, too painful. it would explain so much, but he doesn't want to believe it. he can't. at least midnight doesn't mean shit to him, though, so he goes back inside and gets drunk off his ass so he doesn't have to think about keigo, or any of this anymore.

or at least until things reset to the next morning. ]

Edited 2021-03-01 04:09 (UTC)

[it’s a painful week of waiting. keigo doesn’t even feel alive. he merely continues to exist. just until saturday he tells himself.

the week comes and goes, feeling like an eternity. then, the second he’s given that freedom, keigo leaps into the simulation.

he’s not sure why. no. that’s wrong. he knows exactly why.

keigo had an addiction.

and even if dabi hated him, despised his existence, keigo can’t just give up.

he returns to that same bar, dressed more provocatively. low-ride jeans, the tight black slinky shirt that dabi seemed to enjoy before. all in all, he replicated that night’s outfit. it’s not to purposely tease or taunt his former lover with, but keigo wants to test if there’s still any desire for him left. he thought he had seen it when dabi told that nameless pretty blond to back off. but he’s not so sure anymore.

could he even get dabi back to him? keigo wanted to prove he wasn’t doing this for anyone but himself. dabi is the only thing that mattered to him now.

it’s loud in the club again. dark. hot. keigo quickly walks through, starting first where he found dabi before.]

[ dabi isn't hungover the next day, though he wishes he were. he lays in bed all day anyway, face in his pillow just willing death upon himself. if this really is a simulation, could he even die here? would he just disappear completely and stay dead in the real world?

what even is the real world? even if keigo is lying, how can he possibly get out of this?

why would keigo even come to see him to tell him that?

when he does get up, dabi trashes his place. he upends everything in anger and smashes bottles. he breaks every last mirror and tears his place apart. he falls onto his knees and he cries real tears that aren't blood. he hasn't cried in so long, he almost forgot what it felt like.

he expects keigo to come back the next night, so he stays away from the clubs. he stays away the night after that as well, wallowing in pity and sadness, tearing his place apart over and over again, but it just keeps going back to the way it was. the third night he goes to the clubs but keigo isn't there either, and he's angry at himself for even bothering to look. he doesn't want to see that traitor. that piece of shit.

he decides to drown himself in the ocean that night, and he wakes up in his bed. he stares at the ceiling for hours before he lifts his arms up to block his view and wills his scars back on his arms. they're there in an instant, just like keigo said they would be, down to the last detail. he wills them away again and they're gone.

he wonders if keigo really was telling him the truth.

that night when he goes out again, he looks like his old self. scars and black hair, with all the pain and piercings he had before. he does the same the night after that, and after that, only he doesn't go Tucker's. he goes to the trashier part of town and hits up the Quagmire, because that's really where he belongs, isn't it?

if keigo ventures to ask someone where dabi might be, they might direct him there instead. ]

[the club is so loud and filled with happy voices, but all keigo hears in his head is silence. he can’t find dabi anywhere within tuckers. asking doesn’t seem to help. they only shrug, stating they haven’t seen a white haired man named dabi.

keigo is feeling dejected at the bar, thanking the last person he’s asked about dabi, when the bartender looks at him curiously. the man leans over then, motioning keigo to do the same.

”listen kid, haven’t seen the white dabi. but there’s a scarred fellow also going by dabi. sticks to the quagmire. club is outside of town. good luck.”

keigo’s eyes widen at the intel before he nods his head and thanked the bartender. immediately, he rushes out, to hunt down dabi all over again.

the quagmire has not been a club he’s been to yet. he knew of the location, and that was about it. keigo loses track of time, but gets there with enough to spare. before he even gets inside, keigo can already see the trouble this place would cause. why isn’t he surprised to find the villain in such a place?

if keigo thought tuckers had too many hands touching him, the quagmire proved that wrong. it’s filthy, smells worst. far more stuffy too. he ignores cigarette smoke blown info his face and purred words to his ear. hell, he sees a woman with a snake on her shoulders. he has to wonder if this was dabi’s ideal club scene.

smoking, fighting, and sex were all over the place. the further he goes into the club, the more he feels out of his realm. it might have been fun to come here with someone, especially with dabi once upon a time, but right then, keigo is uncomfortable. he just wanted to see dabi.

even if it gets him more hands caressing his exposed waistline.]

[dabi never really had the full opportunity to go to clubs and bars the normal way when he was living. he was too young when he ended up on the streets, and after that it was just back rooms and drug dens and back alleyways.

when he teamed up with the league he had gone to a bar or two here and there, ones where they didn't care that he was a villain. but it was never like this. it's loud and dirty and far too handsy at the quagmire, but it also helps Dabi disappear. he can lose his mind here and pretend none of it exists.

no endeavor, no league, no pro-heroes, no Keigo.

and yet again it's a pretty blonde he finds, one who finds his scars alluring. the eyeliner on the guy even looks similar, all that's missing are the wings. dabi even imagines a new set of piercings on himself, all in a pretty little row going down his shaft.

it makes the pretty blonde's eyes water as he shoves his cock hard down his throat, hand fisted in his hair hard enough that the guy is whining. Dabi only grabs harder and fucks into his mouth even more relentlessly, relishing those tears streaming down the blonde's face.

but it isn't the same. it's never the same and Dabi is so sick of it. that's when he spots Keigo out of the corner of his eye, moving through the crowd. he smirks, then drops his head back against the wall and and fucks the guy's mouth more relentlessly, hoping to catch Keigo's eye.]

[it's completely frustrating to keigo to be searching like this, but the reward would be well worth it, he tells himself. even if just to get one word from dabi, it's enough to get him through another week. that's all he needed.

just one more week. and he can try again. keigo didn't want to come up empty handed.

continuing through the crowd, keigo allows a grabby set of hands to touch him as he ignores it, looking around steadily. where the hell was-

he catches them. those familiar intense blue eyes that could drown keigo. and they're looking at him. his breath almost stills, a warmth he's forgotten filling his chest. he was right there. within reach.

but then he takes in everything else. the smirk. and the hand shoved deep into a mass of blond hair. another blond. one who was on their knees and-

whatever warmth he felt turns immediately cold despite the anger that replaces it. there's rage that fills his golden eyes up, his fingers curling into tight fists. if his quirk could manifest, his wings would be sharp and pointed, flared with the bitterness that grows inside of him. he could almost kill.

keigo has only had a taste of this, his own bites of jealousy. dabi never seemed to push that onto him before. and really, it's like catching the villain in the act more than anything, but the asshole was fucking that blond relentless.

it makes keigo unbelievably pissed.

whoever was touching him, trying to nudge him wherever, keigo roughly shoves them away, and begins to stalk forward. he has no right to be like this. he broke whatever trust they had before. he was even forced to break his own heart for the sake of doing what was right.

but hadn't he suffered enough to not be tormented like this?

he's over to dabi faster than he expects, and angrily he gathers the prick's shirt into shaking hands and shoves the villain roughly to the wall. he's leaning over this blond bitch, not caring about them as much as he did to the man in front of him.]

You're a real asshole, you know that?

[ dabi has been filled with so much anger and relentless pain this past week, but now? seeing keigo here again, searching for him in a place like this... it feels him with an almost manic glee, much like when he told that pitiful todoroki family of his who he was.

the moment keigo's eyes meet his, it feels like everything is on fire. the blonde on his knees is not bad, but this feeling? it's everything else he had been craving. there's this knew look in keigo's eyes as well. one that dabi barely experienced. it's anger and jealousy, he's pretty sure of it.

good, he hopes it hurt. he hopes it tears the traitorous bird apart. he deserves every last bit of it, and dabi feels good doing it to him. he rocks his hips languidly now, making the man below him moan, but his eyes are still on keigo the whole time.

he doesn't expect the way keigo shoves others away and stalks forward, and he raises an eyebrow as he approaches, waiting to see just what he does, while this poor soul below him still tries his very best but is basically being ignored.

it's not until keigo grabs his shirt that he actually lets out a moan, because the blonde bitch very nearly bites down on his cock as they're jostles around. dabi knows he's an asshole, because he keeps his hand fisted in the man's hair, forcing him to stay on his cock even as keigo shoves him into the wall. ]

I'm the asshole? Yeah fuckin' right.

[staring up at dabi, a part of his hellish mind remarks that he should fuck around with every damn soul in this club to get back at his former lover. but, fighting fire with fire isn't the route he desired to take.

and, maybe, he swore to himself to never allow dabi to get jealous again. if he was going to pursue his lover again, then jealousy was off the table.

of course, fucking all these meatheads would serve as a perfect way to make him feel better if his villain told him to lay off.

a growl slips when he catches dabi moan. he only wanted to hear that if it was him causing it, with no help whatsoever. it aggravates the hero even more that dabi only keeps the stupid blond on his cock.]

You are!

[keigo doesn't deny that he's an asshole too. hell, he's worst. but dabi was pretty shitty himself. and it hurts more than anything to see his former lover like this. the scars and dark hair just make it hit closer to his heart. this was the appearance he was accustomed to seeing.]

Do you want that? Live each day and get your cock sucked by some nameless face?

[Dabi doesn't let go until the man on his knees starts choking on his cock, pushing at his hips. out of the corner of his eyes he can see the blonde's tearful eyes on Keigo, wondering just what in the hell is going on, most likely.

the man pulls off and sputters, trying to catch his breath, but then his face is right back on Dabi's groin, nosing into it like a good boy. ]

Don't think ya got any right to say shit to me, hero.

[he says it like he used to. a dirty word spit from his mouth. the lowest of the low.]

As if you're any better than some nameless face. You fuckin' lying whore. Oh let me guess. You just had to do it, huh.

[he says as he leans in close, eyes all ablaze.]

You could always get down on your knees and join him if you're really so fuckin' desperate.

[why keigo didn’t expect this sort of scenario was beyond him. dabi was so damn attractive, could get the hero weak in the knees. it was natural that dabi would find someone to keep him warm at night.

maybe he didn’t expect it because keigo never had an impulse to fuck around. all he’s done has been wallowing in depression.

a quick look down and he sees the bitch blond rubbing his nose into dabi’s crotch. disgusting! only one person should be doing that, and that was him!]

I have plenty of right when you’re out here like this. Tell me to fuck off and I’ll leave you two alone. But you’ll never see me here again.

[keigo had no interest in immortality. not unless it meant spending eternity with those stupid bonehead.

it’s so hard to not get offended by the insult though. in the heat of moment, keigo enjoyed, even loved, to be degraded. like this, in the open with nothing to show for it, it makes him upset and angrier.]

I’m not the one getting their dick sucked.

[he seethes when he realizes dabi was so suddenly close, intense blue eyes that keigo doesn’t allow to break him. he stares back with the same intensity.]

I. Don’t. Share.

[ dabi hadn't really been doing much of this either. he's never been the type to fuck around for fun or to relax. it's always been the most horrible thing he's ever experienced, even if he got used to it over time.

it was all that way until keigo.

and now, after the betrayal, he realized it really was the same thing as all the times he's gotten fucked before. in the end he was still used, only this time there were deeper parts of him dragged into it too. ]

You lost that right when ya fuckin' betrayed me. Ya really think ya got any say after that? You're fuckin' insane.

[dabi hopes keigo feels degraded in the worst kind of way. maybe then he'll finally realize how dabi felt when he knew he had been betrayed.]

You've really got some nerve comin' here and sayin this shit to me. You ain't the one gettin' your dick sucked, huh? No, just passed around by commission fucks to do their bidding. Why even act like anythin' between us meant shit to you? I ain't yours. Never fuckin' was, apparently.

I'm dead, right? You betrayed me and then I died. You're the one who fuckin' killed me.

[he's angry now, because it all hits him at once. everything keigo did, everything they went through together. how it all fell apart in that instant and now he's dead, stuck in this place, not having known a single thing about it until a week ago when keigo told him. and then just like that keigo was gone again for a whole damn week until tonight, coming in here acting like dabi owes him something.

he's had enough of this. he just about growls, shoving the blonde off his dick and trying to zip himself back up before he shoves past keigo to storm off once again. ]

[everything hurts. here and in reality. keigo can't even tell which is worst. dabi and his wings are no more, for six and a half days out of the week. but the evening of saturday, he can see his former lover, but it stings and hurts here in a different way.

he knew it would be painful, when forced to betray this villain. it didn't mean he liked it. he hated every second of it. he couldn't even face dabi one on one either. but the villain had made it a point to see him anyway, to burn him apart.]

You never trusted me anyway, so why does it matter?

[that's what dabi had claimed on that fateful day. maybe a part of him knew dabi didn't trust him either. the man constantly taunted him of his alliance to the heroes.

anger, resentment, and despair build as dabi has his go at him. he hates hearing it because it's not true. everything intimate had meant so much to him. he remembers that day, asking dabi to run away with him, so keigo wouldn't have to decide. it hurts. it all fucking hurts.

as his former lover pulls away, keigo quickly follows, ignoring the irritating blond on the floor who had no business to be there. he keeps in step with dabi, refusing to allow the villain to leave so easily.]

I didn't want to! Not a single part of me wanted to give you up. You could have run away with me, but you were so hellbent on dragging your family down. Just admit that you never cared either! You didn't hesitate to burn me, to even record and try to ruin my reputation.

[he didn't care about his reputation. being number two wasn't what he ever wanted. just in the back, to lay low. he didn't need popularity.]

You took away the only two things that mattered to me, but I'm still here, trying to see you for some damn ridiculous reason!

[in the heat of the moment, he snatches and grabs tight to dabi's wrist and plants his feet down. he's breathing hard from his anger and pain, tears beginning to sting his eyes.]

I'm not asking for any kind of forgiveness. I don't know even know what I expect. But the most important person to me is standing right here. So tell me to buzz off because I won't subject myself to watch you get close with anyone else here.

[ dabi doesn't want to hear shit about how keigo didn't like betraying the league, and him right along with that. he clearly made a choice, and the choice wasn't him.

dabi may have chosen to drag his family down, but keigo didn't have to be a part of that. he wasn't even going to be until he turned on dabi so easily. and then? all bets were off. what did keigo expect, when trust was so important to dabi and keigo smashed it to pieces? did he really think he wouldn't get burned? ]

None of it fuckin' matters anymore, Keigo. None of it fuckin' matters anymore.

[the music is loud and the people are too close to him now that he's feeling this way. he can feel keigo hot on his heels and he really wishes all of this would drown him out. keigo doesn't even have to grab him before he's turning around with furious eyes, wondering how keigo can even dare to say these things to him.]

You didn't want to? You fuckin' did it! What did you expect was gonna happen, you lying piece'a shit! After betraying me like that, did ya really think I was just gonna shrug my shoulders and say it was ok? You deserve a lot fuckin' worse than what ya got. You're just as bad as Endeavor. Maybe even worse. Ya got me to believe you.

[if keigo wants dabi to feel bad for him in any kind of way, it isn't going to happen. if keigo felt like he lost the two things that mattered to him, dabi would say he deserved even less than what he ended up with. ]

I'm dead, Keigo. Ya told me I'm fucking dead. Did ya really come here so you could fuck up whatever this shit in my head is too?

[the look on his face isn't angry anymore, it's forlorn, and then he tenses up, trying to pull his wrist from keigo's hold.]

...Are you dead too?

[it was never easy to turn on dabi. he had fought himself on it, had tried to change his decision, but each time, he was forced to think of why he was a hero. deep down, society was flawed. he believed that. believed in a majority of what the league represented.

and he also had regrets. jin never deserved to die. in fact, he should be within this world, to continue living. but no one wanted to take that responsibility. endeavor so easily used power and money to get his eldest son in here. all for his own despair.

hearing his name hits differently. he used to take pride and adored it before. he cherished each moment he could hear his name.

but, now, it's so cold.]

That's not true-

[he still fights, still believes that it matters. it has to.

but he's forced to cut himself off when dabi sharply turns with those intense eyes. this time, he flinches in reaction, but doesn't back down. not yet. keigo wasn't done speaking his mind.]

Yes, I didn't want to! I still had an obligation to protect innocent people, Dabi! I'm sorry for the betrayal, but I never once lied about us. Each and every moment I was honest. Each fucking time we were together, I was being my real self. I wanted us to be together. I kept pushing you to leave with me.

[hot, angry tears crawl down his face and it feels so stuffy, like he can't breathe. he's generally good at keeping his emotions at bay, but it's been so difficult lately. it must be pathetic to any onlooker. he was just as emotional in the real world. nothing would have prepared him to be told that he lost his wings and lover all in the same sitting.

and he just hates how dabi repeats that he's no longer alive. that was the worst of it all. losing dabi was never supposed to happen.

why couldn't the asshole just have run away with him?]

I'm...I'm not dead. [the words are stated to bitterly because he feels dead.] I'm not even supposed to be here. San Junipero is for the dead and elderly.

[keigo raises up his free hand, rubbing his eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears.]

But I...I just wanted to see you.

Don't tell me you're fuckin' sorry. Do ya really think I believe a single word outta your mouth after what you did??

[he doesn't want to believe he's dead either. maybe he isn't, but what choice does he have? it's not like it matters if his body is dead or alive anyway, because he's stuck here in some sort of crazy simulated reality that feels absolutely real.]

Don't gimme that bullshit, you knew I couldn't leave! And ya didn't tell me it was because of that. You made it seem like some fuckin' pipe dream. You told me you were gonna stick around with me when it was all over, you piece'a shit!

[as loud as this place is, there are others staring now, looking annoyed that the two of them are ruining their good times in this place. others are blissfully unaware as if the two of them don't exist... but dabi realizes it's probably those people who don't exist. they're simulations.

that sudden shock of realization when he thinks keigo might be dead too, it hits him like a ton of bricks, and then it's gone, because keigo says he's not dead at all. he's probably out there living his life, still with the pro-heroes and kissing Endeavor's ass. dabi realizes then that it's been so long and he doesn't even know what happened. he supposes in the end that doesn't matter either.

he stares blankly at keigo, watching him try to wipe those tears away. everything just seems like a show now. dabi isn't even sure if he knew keigo at all, or if it was all just to infiltrate them and take them down.]

So you get a choice whether to be here or not. I don't. Must be fuckin' great for ya. Why don't ya go report back to my family that I've already tried to end myself a couple times by now, so they should probably shut this shit off.

I don't wanna see you, and I don't want this.

[this goes about as expected as keigo always planned it'd be. there never really was any hope or true belief that he would get back what he previously had. it's not like he expects it either. they both hurt each other, ripped whatever trust and feelings they had together to shreds.

still, he had to try. he had to tell dabi everything.

keigo ignores the looks they're given. who knew if they were nothing more than codes or actual people. so very few lived in this reality. this was none of their business though. they should turn the other cheek. of course, if keigo didn't want their privacy blasted to the public, he wouldn't be out here, getting emotional in front of the former villain.

but now, he's not even sure what to say anymore. he's trying to get it all off his chest, for dabi to at least understand. he's still drying his eyes, staring at the floor when told the few times that dabi tried ending his own life. it gets him to snap his gaze back up, hurt now by the following words.

he knew to expect it. he keeps telling himself this. but why did it hurt anyway? would he tell the todorokis' what the eldest son told him? who knows. he's unsure. he's still trying to convince himself to give it one last shot.]

Tell me to never come back, Touya.

[he needs to hear it said like that. otherwise, there will always be a hint of hope.]

[ dabi got stuck in this place without any knowledge of what this was or what was going on. no knowledge of him being dead. he thought maybe eventually he'd get out of this, or they'd let him wake up and at least talk to one person in the real world, even if he was in prison.

but now? now there's nothing, and keigo took the last of it, even more so than dabi could have ever imagined he would. it feels like his insides are burning to ash, and not in the way they used to. this is far worse.

but keigo expects him to just be okay with this? to just get over everything that happened in an instant? if so, then maybe it really is better he never come back, because that won't be possible. keigo isn't going to get any understanding from dabi. not like this. he doesn't even care if keigo tries to manipulate him with his name. this is never the way he wanted to hear it. ]

Don't ever come back.

[he says without thinking much about it, then turns and pushes his way through the crowd again. he wills his scars away but keeps his black hair in hopes of blending in. his scars always did make him stand out.]

[it's all keigo needed to hear. it's all he didn't want to hear either. but, he tells himself, he never expected it to go back to before. there's more words on his tongue, three of them. he tries to will them out, to tell dabi the last of it, but the former villain is gone.

he can't find scarred flesh in the crowd. he could try hard to search, but there's no point to it. it's over and done. he gave it his all, and he knew when to back off.

keigo remains in place until the clock strikes midnight, sending him back to the real world. when he snaps out of the blur, he can feel far more wetness at his eyes. he had cried harder here, in reality.

so. it was all over. the least keigo can do is tell endeavor what he's been up to, and how dabi was doing. it was against protocol, but keigo didn't care. nothing mattered. maybe endeavor would give dabi the death he so desired. somehow though...keigo doubted it. the number one wanted to make up for everything he had done, apparently.

maybe dabi would come to enjoy san junipero. one could only hope.]

[ for some reason dabi still expects keigo to come after him and find him. but no... he doesn't want that. not anymore. there isn't a single damn thing he wants anymore.

dabi still keeps an eye out for him the next night and the night after that. a week later and he still doesn't see keigo... maybe out of the corner of his eye. he gets tired of random blonde's sucking him off in hopes of getting back at that traitorous bird some more. he doesn't feel anything anyway.

there's nothing that can ever make him feel that way again.

eventually he stops going out altogether. he stays inside and wastes away on his bed, only getting up to try and kill himself again. he always wakes up right back in bed, and then he just stays there all over again. he figures maybe eventually they'll notice something like a glitch in the system or however this shit works, and just shut him down.

it doesn't happen.

when he does start going out again, it's back to the quagmire. it's not like he's ever gotten help for anything, least of all his mental state. this is where he feels the most like himself. dirty, wasted, good for nothing. he lets men use him and then he goes back home and cries.

the worst nights are when he misses keigo, though. he wishes he could sneak up to that penthouse apartment and just flop into their bed. keigo's bed. it was never his bed at all. he wishes he could hear that groan and that flutter of wings before a cool body pressed against his far too heated one, wing curling around him as the other man nuzzled and cuddled into him so obnoxiously.

at first his annoyed and frustrated sounds were real, but then they were all just for show while he'd smirk and snake his arms around the other man just as easily, pulling him closer.

he knows he'll never have that again. hell, he didn't even really have it back then, either. it was all a lie.

that, and he told keigo never to come back. he wonders now if he would have said anything differently if he had known how he'd feel now. it's just loneliness he reminds himself, and knowing that he truly is dead. ]

[there were plenty of times keigo wanted to leap right back in. every saturday night for a month were the hardest to get through. but he never returned. instead, he would curl in the empty bed, crying himself to sleep. there was no dabi. and there were no wings.

dabi's scent was on his pillows though. he tried to find comfort in them, but they were fading. he could smell it again, if he ever chose to live in san junipero for his after life choice. he won't though.

he tells himself that, yet...

how many months has it been? the first evening he returns to this simulation, he sticks to the shadows of alleyways, just eying the atmosphere. contemplating. the second week, he works up the nerve to enter tuckers, but stays hidden in the dark. dabi wasn't there though. the third week, after confirming his former lover wasn't within the bar, he tries to have a little fun. drinking and dancing.

it's now his fourth week visiting, and he's again back at tuckers. he's still unsure of being here, unsure if this is what he wants. sure, no responsibility, getting to live life peacefully. it sounds perfect. he never had that. but permanently here. lonely. it makes him scared and nervous. what if dabi came across him? keigo was still broken up about his former lover. all he does in that white bed is cough and cry.

he gave his word to never come back too. the city was big. but it was small too.

he avoids the quagmire like the plague. honestly, he should avoid tuckers too. but, the night air is nice, and the music is perfect to dance to.

to make himself look less out in the open, keigo no longer wears his wings. generally, he keeps his back exposed though, where he purposely has two red wings tattooed in their place. hip bones are constantly exposed, and keigo pretends to like the touches there when he grinds and dances with other people. if they were familiar, belonging to the man within his dreams, keigo would purr and beg for more. but no. none of it was familiar. so he pretends.

but when he's urged back, like now, into a hot, sweaty body, he goes with it. he keeps his eyes closed, trying to forget the hell that was his life now. he never did check the club for dabi's presence. but, he's under the impression he wouldn't come across his former lover at tuckers anyway.]

[ dabi doesn't know why he goes out tonight at all. it's either been wasting away at the beach house or going to the quagmire to get ripped apart, but tonight he just wants something... different. it's funny how tucker's has become that different thing.

maybe he hates it so much because it reminds him of certain times, certain people. on particular person and a life he could never have.

even now it's pointless, but his feet drag him there anyway.

he still has his scars, his black hair and all his piercings. a few new ones here and there, along with black and blue skin almost everywhere else where he's not scarred up. he knows he could change that if he wanted to, but this mess is his own now, he supposes. these marks are the only things he's ever really been able to control in his entire life... or death.

he stays hidden at the bar, hood pulled over his mess of hair. he's on his fifth drink and 3rd plan on just how he's going to kill himself again this week when he spots the blonde in the crowd on the dance floor. he really thinks he's seeing things again, so he downs his drink faster and asks for another. he can't do this again tonight. he can already feel his throat constricting and his insides doing a flip.

he really should have just gone to the quagmire. ]

[the dancing keeps keigo occupied. he likes doing it, he discovers. if his thoughts drifted over to dabi, he would wonder if he could ever get the villain to dance with him. however, he keeps his mind clean of his former lover, to not allow his pain or hurt to take control like it does every other day.

there are a few times he dances with people or switches and does it by himself. sometimes, he's given drinks, and keigo enjoys it. more than he expects. the freedom within this city was better than he expected.

still though, it missed a very important thing for him.

shaking the thought immediately away, keigo has to pull himself finally from the dance floor. his drink is almost empty, so he goes to get it refilled. he's heading to the bar when he feels a body too close to him, and a quick look to see who it is earns a frown at his lips. some wannabe punk that got too handsy with him earlier. keigo wasn't interested though. touching and feeling around was fine, but anything more was out of his books. not to mention, keigo didn't find the guy attractive.

he's whispering something in his ear, about getting a vip booth in the back to share drinks with. his hand is touching along his exposed back.

he hurries even closer to the bar, skin crawling as he feel the same body there. as if the guy wouldn't get the cold hint. the punk talks louder, making more of a show that he bought keigo three drinks earlier and deserved to get his cock warmed up one way or another. it's almost embarrassing when the hero catches a few patrons and the bartender sending them looks.

keigo rolls his eyes, but quickly tries to come up with an excuse. there's a hooded man beside him, empty glass of alcohol with a new one being presented to him by the bartender quickly enough.

taking the opportunity given to him, keigo wraps an arm around the hooded man, getting closer, more cozy, while he shoots a playful, sly look to the punk irritating him.]

Listen, my friend here has been waiting for me. If anyone deserves the VIP treatment, it's him. So, lay off, will you?

[the anger that fills the punk's eyes would be attractive if keigo liked pissing off men more often. but really, he only truly enjoyed irritating one person in particular.]